Really Struggling

[smileyplant]

Well not something I ever though I'd face but I've just been diagnosed with postnatal depression by the health visitor/GP. I think I already knew this as even though my baby is only two weeks old I feel very different from all the other mums around me. I feel awful for the way I feel and the guilt as my baby was much wanted and I just want to feel better. I'm also fighting two infections at the moment which isn't making the situation much better and I find myself crying most of the time.

I'm lucky to have a really supportive husband and mum who are helping out lots but I feel guilty I'm not the one doing all the firsts with my baby but I just find myself completely numb around him.

I had an awful pregnancy with illness after illness and a flare up of a chronic condition which added up me requesting a c section as it was fairly obvious I was going to be urgently induced and that my body was unlikely to cope with the process. From the moment I got to the postnatal ward its like I have been in panic mode. Struggling to eat or sleep properly. Recovery has been hard and I'm so nervous of pushing myself too far so haven't really been out yet.

I didn't get to see the same HCP more than once so never really got to talk about my anxiety around birth which I don't think has helped. The health visitor has referred me to some local charities for support as has the GP but I just want to get better. Can anyone offer any advice? Everything feels very bleak.

Bumping for you and I'll come back later with a post.

This sounds more like Post-Natal Anxiety than depression. I was much the same as you - I had an EMCS and was perpetually terrified of having complications after. I felt in constant panic mode and, like you, had lots of issues with sleep and eating. I also felt very little connection to my DS and, at one point, was searching for one-way tickets to Bora Bora (on my own).

What is fantastic is that you’ve been diagnosed and HCPs are listening. Do you have a perinatal mental health service in your area? They support mothers until the baby is 12 months and were an absolute life life for me. A support worker came to see me twice and week and just sat and listened. Medication worked wonders for me, too. I was (and still am) on Sertraline which is safe for breastfeeding.

PANDAS are a great charity with a helpline to call when things feel difficult. Most of the volunteers are women who have been in the same position as you. pandasfoundation.org.uk/

I promise you that it will get better and you will start feeling something towards your baby. It’s a well known myth that all mothers have this rush of love at birth.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you.

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way. It's so difficult with a newborn on top of all the other things you're dealing with. Just some reassurance to say I felt exactly the same as you, I was extremely anxious & it really does make you feel unwell. Please reach out for help sooner rather than later if you feel you need it. CBT helped me along with sertraline (I was reluctant to take it) but really did help and was definitely worth it to feel like myself again.

I just wanted to come back and update this thread because I remember when I wrote it I was constantly searching for similar threads with updates and I think I would have found it really useful. Just like everyone said it did get better.
Only now can I see 1. Just what a rough ride I had! And 2. How unwell I really was.

I did try medication very briefly but it wasn't for me. The most helpful thing was CBT which I had privately as the NHS wait time was quite long in my area. I also had some bonding therapy with a local charity which was great.

I remember going out with my son about 9 weeks old and it felt like a normal day. Each week I started to have slightly more normal days than difficult ones.

He's 8.5 months now and a joy to be around. Overall I would say I'm about 90% better. Still feeling a bit guilty about how I was at the beginning of his life and that I didn't make the most of him being tiny but hopefully making up for it now.

So if you've reading this thread in the future. It will get better. Look after yourself, tell someone how you feel and don't feel ashamed to ask for help. I really made it difference for me.