Well I tried to hope against hope that I didn't have postnatal depression for almost the entire 6 months of the twins' lives because I was scared what people would think of me - that I was ungrateful, that I had said I could manage when I became a single parent and couldn't manage, in case they thought I was mad and would hurt the babies. I do not want to hurt the babies, I just wish I was not a mother and I feel really sad and guilty about that. I feel like I am in prison. Just feel like I'm walking down a long grey street with no end.
Everyone else seems delighted with the fact they are twins from strangers in the street to my mother's friends. I'm constantly told how lucky I am I DON'T FEEL LUCKY. I have a ruined body, no chance of a man, relationship with my mother has gone down the pan as she adores the twins and just tells me "it's not so bad" "they are here now". She can't understand why she thought I was a nice person and I am not maternal. I find it much easier with my daughter who is quiet and easy to manage as babies go. Sometimes if someone else helps me look after my son I almost feel the weight lifted like it's not so bad. Everyone notices that I find it difficult to look at my son or enjoy feeding him. I never wanted to breastfeed, I'll admit it's vain but I had really nice breasts and very low self esteem about the rest of my body so I wanted to keep one thing that was nice about me. When I was honest and told people this they said it was unbelievable I wouldn't put my child first. So when he couldn't latch on I was secretly pleased and it didn't do them any harm because they were in neonatal for two weeks due to low birth weight and needed the special formula anyway. I managed to do it a bit with my daughter but it was difficult because my son had awful colic, I mean he would scream from one feed to the next and it's impossible to relax with another screaming baby next to you. So I bottle feed him and normally use the time to think about something else as I find it all so monotonous just feeding and changing and stopping babies crying all day. I honestly can't remember why I wanted a baby so much. When I bottle feed him people comment how I don't look at him fondly and he is looking up at me but I don't notice it and just how generally miserable I look and how they don't understand.
He is very noisy and active and although the colic has settled down he still has a tendency to be very whingey, sometimes I can hear the crying ringing in my ears even when it has stopped. I am ashamed to say I don't find him cute or enjoy holding him. I started a course, which I thought would be good to get out the house and meet other people as I don't know anyone near my new house and everyone else was sad because they had to leave their children in the creche, I loved the break. I had my first night out two days ago and thought how much I missed my old life, it wasn't perfect and I suffered from depression and anxiety before but I was someone with a job and not such a monotonous existence. I am meant to be going back in March but am despairing how I will cope with two lots of nursery fees, when I was pregnant i was so optimistic I said I would manage anything and maybe even meet another mum to do a nanny share but I haven't met anyone.
I feel constantly overwhelmed, and ashamed because when the HV kept asking me initially I said fine, fine great because people told me they would take the babies away if I was depressed and then I thought my family would hate me. I thought children would be an addition to my life, not my whole life that I am judged by. I wasn't expecting to look after twins alone and I was secretly in denial they were twins while I was pregnant and would tell people in the street if they asked one day I had a boy next day a girl as I felt so overwhelmed by the idea of looking after them, but always hoped it would be so magical and natural it would be OK especially as I was previously infertile and thought it would solve all my loneliness and problems.
Please please don't judge and if anyone has had similar experiences could you please share them, I am going to the doctor today again to discuss a bit more and I think in part this is my fault for leaving it rather than nipping it in the bud as it's only got worse.
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Antenatal/postnatal depression
Finally admitting it's PND, I have no one else to talk to please listen
29 replies
Poycastle · 26/01/2015 08:24
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