What on earth is wrong with me?

[SleepyMcgee]

Hi all
I had my dd 22 weeks ago and I've got pnd. Currently taking citalopram and waiting for counselling.

I'm just really really struggling with all aspects of being a mum. I don't enjoy it and feel like I've made a big mistake having a child. sleeping and naps are on me which is a nightmare. And then I feel so guilty and wretched having these feelings. My DP loves being a dad and this makes me feel even more inadequate. When she smiles and laughs at him it kills me, although he says DD does the same to me but I don't see it. It's not normal to feel like this is it. Just wanted to get this out. Having a shit day, still in bed and earlier I told DP to take DD and just bring her to me when she wants feeding

Nothing is wrong with you. Lots of people feel like this. It will get better. Accept that having a young baby is very trying and for you right now only little glimpses of it will be joyful.
Gradually those little glimpses will get bigger and the whole thing will seem increasingly more normal, familiar and enjoyable. Try not to feel guilty, you are meeting her needs well, she has her whole life for you to enjoy, it doesn't matter if the first months are not picture-perfect.

If you haven't already, try to get out a bit, join some groups, get some structure to the day/week, do baby classes and have little treats - tea and cake, a small beer and a funny film/ programme in the evening etc, a new item of clothing. Try to chat to some other mums and be honest that you are struggling with it - they will be sympathetic, and if they are not, meet some more who are. Keep your blood sugar up and try to get fresh air and some nature on sunny days. Life seems strange and slow at the moment, but it will start to make more sense.

Be patient with, and kind to, yourself.

Thank you for replying and helpful suggestions. Whenever I talk to DP about how I feel, he says it's not normal, which makes me feel like I'm going crazy for feeling this way. Especially as DD was planned; however having her has turned my life upside down and I feel like a shell of who I was.
I am slowly making friends at baby group but also have anxiety since I had her so everytime she cries I find it really stressful and want to dash back to my car or back home.
I would love some chocolate! However the hospital were querying cows milk protein intolerance and so I'm dairy/soya free, as well as having to avoid loads of other foods. It's a bloody nightmare and I can't even take solace in cake. Thanks again for your reply

Many, many new parents feel the way you do, including people not diagnosed with PND. Your DH does not sound especially supportive, do you have friends and family you can talk to? Could you and your partner speak to Mind to get some advice, they have a helpline, it might help your partner understand better and be better able to support you.

The early days are really hard so be kind to yourself, you are doing the best that you can. Set yourself small goals like eating healthily, going outside for a walk every day.

Of course he loves being a dad! Presumably he is going to work and being himself all day and gets to do parenting as a hobby.

The first months are HARD - you completely lose sight of who you are and you don't sleep and you're expected to be overjoyed and in love. Even if you don't have pND there is a hell of a lot of adjustment in having a baby. As someone said, this is just a really small part of your baby's life.

He probably means it's not normal for you, which is true. But it IS normal to feel not normal after a first birth if you see what I mean - women have all sorts of unexpected feelings and reactions.

Sounds like you are doing well, still breastfeeding and with a smiley happy baby. See if there are any other treaty things you can work into your day. And try to sit through the anxiety at the groups. No one minds if they cry there, in fact they only hear their own really. And if in doubt stick her on the breast!

Don't worry, your confidence and comfort with it will grow. Keep things simple but put some plans in the diary even if small local things. You'll get there.

Thank you all. No there's not really anyone I can talk to apart from hv. I'm ashamed of how I feel and put on a front or such as today, just avoid seeing people and stay in my dressing gown all day.
My DP is lovely, which makes me feel even worse. He's not an overthinker like I am though (thank god) and although doesn't tell me to pull myself together etc, he doesn't ever really get in a low mood.
I've had some bourbon biscuits (no dairy!) And DP's gone out for an hour with DD so I'm going to tackle some of the Christmas shopping online. I'm going out on monday and tuesday at least this coming week so that will do me good. This never ending rollercoaster of moods is so draining, like the joy has been sucked out of me.
Thank you all for listening

It's bloody tough in those early days, but hopefully you'll find it gets easier. It's such a massive life change, the old you feels like she's gone and never going to come back.

I remember feeling like this I had made a mistake and wished I was back at work. I envied DS going off in the mornings but soon enough we got into a little routine and I made a good friend at baby massage and without me even realising it got easier and more enjoyable.

I really think getting out the house is a must. Even if it's to the shop for a loaf of bread. I used to walk miles with DS and he'd have a lot of naps in the buggy as he just wouldn't in the cot. I'd feel loads better for some fresh air and exercise and not looking at same four walls.

Please reach out for help if/when you need it. Most importantly don't feel guilty, being a new mum is a massive head fuck - well I think so anyway.

X

Thanks scratchandsniff
Yes it's definitely a head fuck. I think where I've gone wrong is having high expectations of what being a mum would be like, and the reality hasn't matched.