My gorgeous DS was born by planned c section due to transverse position, I have a mildly bicornate uterus so turning the baby wasn't an option. It was all very last minute and he was only found to be transverse the day before he was born. I was booked for a home birth and had had a wonderful pregnancy until week 39.... I was diagnosed with obstetric colestasis and baby had to be delivered for his safety and induction was not an option due to his position. I was devastated to say the least as a c section was my worst nightmare and there I was with it being my only option. I had a massive panic attack on the operating table, no help or even an offer to hold my baby at delivery, he was 40mins old before a midwife 'had the time' to help me. I had an awful recovery with poor pain relief. When they did give me morphine it made me very dizzy and I fainted while holding my baby and he landed on the hard ward floor. After that I was pack on paracetamol only - it was horrific.
5 months later I'm still crying everyday about everything that happened. I so desperately wanted to give birth naturally and feel I had it all taken away from me. I feel like I have a huge emotional gap that nothing can fill.
I keep telling myself that it can all be different next time and even went for a debrief appointment with the consultant. The first thing he said was that I should now always have c sections. This was more than I could take and I broke down in from of him. He gave no other reason than I had a big baby (9lb 7oz) and was likely to be unsuccessful with another big one.
I'm now completely obsessed with researching all I can about vbac. My plan was to hire an independent midwife but its likely they will no longer be practicing after oct this year. So I'm stuck with the NHS. The consultant has already written to my GP saying that all future pregnancies will have to be under consultant care. I can't imagine anything worse. I'm so distressed by everything I'm considering having no more children - which is heartbreaking in itself as I've always wanted at least 3 babies. Can I opt out of consultant care? And stick with the community midwives?
My dh is very supportive but doesn't understand the daily tears and I've even started hiding it from him now to avoid a row over it.
I know that vbac is perfectly possible - as the many positive stories on mn show - I just need to know how to get a supportive team around me for my next pregnancy (if there is one) and how to get away from the consultant.
I'm really sorry for the loooong post - just needed to get it all out. I thought by now I'd be feeling better about it all but it feels more raw than ever.
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Antenatal/postnatal depression
Still traumatised 5 months later....
11 replies
Teatimecakes · 25/03/2013 11:28
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