Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

1 2 3 4 5

AIBU?

Not to be arsed with fake Mummy friends anymore?

102 replies

Druzhok · 05/07/2010 00:39

In the last 6 months, I've dropped my ante natal group (DS is nearly 5 and I still don't feel comfortable in their company) and a group of local-ish women I first met online.

I'm not boasting about this - in fact, I worry what kind of an anti social, unfriended outcast I've turned into and what effect it will have on my children's social standing - but I just can't DO it anymore. I can't be arsed with the inane chatter and fakery.

DS is starting school soon, so in a way I'm looking to that, but - pah - I just don't think I do it very well at all. I can't offer the commitment and plasticity required.

BTW, these are not terrible people: they have been very good to me at times (and vice versa). I just don't think we really like each other that much

Didn't know where to put this. Would appreciate other's POV, though, not least because no one else is talking to me anymore ...

OP posts:

Report

littlepalaces · 08/07/2010 21:12

I can't agree with you more! perhaps it's the grumpy old woman syndrome, or the faliure to find gym and moaning about husbands sufficiently engaging.

Druzhok · 07/07/2010 10:14

luluf @ "I suffered with fake friends with my first baby (sounds like an affliction)"

This is a support group for your affliction

OP posts:

feeimcgee · 06/07/2010 16:18

There was an interesting article in the paper last month which said that a lot of new mums felt that they had little in common with their new mummy friends. I certainly feel like this too, and while I would not "drop" them, I don't go out of my way to keep in touch. This is mostly because I moved to a new city an hour away from them, so don't see them every week anyway. But the new friends I've made seem much more on my wave length than my original set. I remember times when we would meet for a drink without the kids and feel really left out of the conversations, which doesn't happen now that I have met others. So no, YANBU, I totally understand.

LuluF · 06/07/2010 14:45

I haven't read all the posts - but I see no harm in it at all. I suffered with fake friends with my first baby (sounds like an affliction) and I found I was getting really stressed in their company - they were so competitive and I actually didn't really like them. I just felt so miserable and alone in their company. I don't see any of them now (not if I can help it) and it's liberating.

That's not to say I don't have friends - I do, but I'm more selective and I like them because they we have things in common and I'd like them even if we didn't have kids. Incidentally - I met all of my closest friends (where I live, not talking about school friends) through having DD2 - so maybe it says more about my confidence as a mum now.

ABitTipsy · 06/07/2010 14:29

What an interesting thread and so relevant for me. I am usually one of those people who have always had a handful of very close friend and very few shallow/casual friends as i just couldn't be bothered with them.

But since my DC's have started school and I have been a SAHM (not through choice but circumstance) I have been forced to change my thinking. I now force myself to maintain some very shallow friendships with people I have nothing in common with simply for the sake of the DC's who are still quite young and I therefore need to be involved to arrange their social life and also for my own sake as if I only met up with my close friends for coffee etc during school hours I would only be going out about 3-4 times a year! And whilst I am perfectly happy with my own company and need plenty of time on my own, I do feel the need to socialise a bit sometimes as well.

So I am in the uncomfortable position of also not really being arsed with fake mummy friends, but being forced to bother with them because they are the only people who are around to meet for a coffee etc.

Beta, I love your phrase 'random friend generator'!

Druzhok · 06/07/2010 13:19

Yes, I do work and I really enjoy my time there. I would love to be able to stay home with the children (although doubt my ability to cope), but work certainly balances things out a bit.

OP posts:

blueshoes · 05/07/2010 21:50

Druzhok, how I laughed when I read "I can't be arsed with inane chatter and fakery."

I suppose in my case, it would be inane chatter that does my head in. I don't have anything against the mums, some of them are very nice.

Do you work? I find work such a relief to get away from the school gate. Much more my natural element.

Druzhok · 05/07/2010 21:06

But you say that as a Beta, Beta ...

OP posts:

BeenBeta · 05/07/2010 21:03

Havng children is a random friend generator. It puts you in contact with 250 people you would never otherwise meet. Out of that 250, you will find one true friend if you are lucky.

Me and DW have three friends from University some 25 years ago who are and will be lifelong friends. We just click and it does not matter how long we are apart we kick right off where we were last time we met.

Becoming a parent, going to University, starting a new job, they are all random friend generators. TBH, I think most people honestly only have enough energy for 10 real friends at most and as a new friend arrives one of the other friends has to give.

By the way, Alphas do not have a wonderful time. They spend their life trying to look like a swan coasting along while thrashing more furiously than everyone else under water.

WinkyWinkola · 05/07/2010 21:00

OP/Druzhok, yanbu massively.

You don't have to be pally with anyone. If your kids get on, that's great but that doesn't mean you have to socialise wth the parents.

There are many parents I feel this way about. I have maybe ten friends that I can really count on and their dcs are all different ages so it can be tricky when we get together.

With the parents of children who are friends with my dcs, I tend to just remember who they are and not take them at al seriously. It's very easy to switch off even when they start to tell you all their woes....

Just be kind, polite but keep them at a firm arms length.

Booboobedoo · 05/07/2010 20:54

It's not about being better Tryharder - it's just about being different.

Some people find it easier to socialise on a regular basis with a wide variety of people.

It makes me jealous tbh, but we are who we are.

TheMoonOnAStick · 05/07/2010 20:27

I've found extracting yourself is easier said than done when you are in contact on a daily basis and often through dc.

Also when someone is quite overbearing how do sidle quietly away without confrontation or bad feeling?

Druzhok · 05/07/2010 20:14

Yeah, what Val says: I don't think I'm better than them. I just don't think we've got much in common or that there is much genuine affection there.

A former friend - who is very ruthless with her dropping - said, "Well, they obviously didn't like me, so I didn't think they'd be a very good friend" ... it was a real forehead smacking moment for me. I have continually chased friendships that actually just aren't coming that easily. Most of my post-children relationships fall into that category. Why am I bothering when I don't much like the other person and they don't much like me?

The ironic icing on the cake is that said friend's advice led me to re-consider OUR friendship and, er, I decided it wasn't really working for me. She is a definite Alpha ... bags and bags of charisma and quite a fuck-you-loudly-in-public-if-you-disagree-with-me attitude. I had enough of being the recipient of it, however. But I stole a bit of her method

OP posts:

valiumSingleton · 05/07/2010 17:58

I never thought I was better than any of them. It's just that after the first month or so, just having had a baby wasn't enough to make you feel you had something in common. Somebody on mn the other day said that for every 10 people you meet, you'll dislike one and it'll probably be mutual, you'll click with one and the other 8 will have no strong feelings about you.

Tryharder · 05/07/2010 17:22

YABU. I have noticed threads like this before on MN and TBH it smacks somewhat of superiority: "Oh, I'm just a bit above all these superficial boring people yakking on about their kids"

So what if you don't have loads in common with them? It doesn't hurt to have coffee and a conversation with other people from time to time regardless of where and how you met them. I love mother and toddler groups and things like that although I hardly attend any as I work full time. It's nice to chat to different people outside your immediate circle of family and friends and having children means that you can always find some common ground.

Booboobedoo · 05/07/2010 17:16

JohnPeel: good. I was starting to feel left out.

(ironic, given the thread).

I can't think of anyone round here I'd class as an Alpha Mum.

Ooh! Maybe it's me?

Hope so. Sounds great.

brass · 05/07/2010 17:08

johnpeel I wasn't thinking posh particularly more of an attitude....

themoon supporting cast of extras! That's it exactly! We are there to prop them up.

I don't prop anyone up and I certainly wouldn't allow my children to be inferior in that way to anyone else's child. Hideous.

I had one mum who took her child out because he couldn't shine in our class. He lasted a year at the new school (which had smaller class sizes) before he was moved from there as well. He is now boarding during the week.

JohnPeelwasmyhero · 05/07/2010 16:39

I don't think there is an Alpha round here.

None of us are that posh

Cortina · 05/07/2010 15:58

Moononastick - ours does similar at times. What's interesting is that people rarely refuse, even if they have nothing in common. 'Alpha' will pick unlikely dinner guests but usually they'll be something in it for her going forward. I think the guests go as are interested to see if there are real Renoirs hanging from the walls and want to have a nose at the house.

I am the worlds most non strategic person when it comes to cultivating friendships but I sometimes wonder if I am the only one?

Cortina · 05/07/2010 15:53

Doesn't every district have an 'Alpha'? It would be an interesting thread! People seem to buy our Alpha random gifts. I was at a child's Birthday party and a new Mum at the school came up to Alpha and said 'I saw this dress and thought it would suit your DD' - hands over a Bonpoint or similarly eye wateringly expensive carrier to Alpha.

Alpha has told me that the various Mums who seem to want her attention 'get on her nerves'. It's curious. As someone once said to me 'people love to worship'.

TheMoonOnAStick · 05/07/2010 15:49

Ours rules her own personal Camelot by dinner party. Impossible to avoid if you have been summoned.

I'm never sure if it's worse to be Left Out or Included. I have been both.

TheMoonOnAStick · 05/07/2010 15:43

'Alpha' hosts parties that would make Gatsby blush' Rofl Love love that!

How interesting to observe. How ghastly to be in her tractor beam though.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Cortina · 05/07/2010 15:29

Me too, Druzhok, but Alpha got bored with me after a time I fear. I am many things, deferential isn't one of them .

Hmmm, just thinking about what I could give away in my goodie bags...any suggestions?

Druzhok · 05/07/2010 15:26

We all need a bit of Alpha in our lives.

I would rather like to attend one of those parties, btw. What can you do for me?

OP posts:

Cortina · 05/07/2010 15:21

Alpha Mum in our 'brigade' appears to have picked a 'I am not worthy' type as her sidekick. This 'I am not worthy' woman is actually perfectly capable but seems to to defer to the 'Alpha' and says to me, if only I were, young, pretty, successful etc like her 'Alpha' friend. Thing is she is but chooses not to glam herself up like said friend. The 'sidekick' also seems to worry continually about whether or not she is good mother etc. The 'Alpha' swans about and seemingly doesn't care whether anyone wants to be in her circle or not.

'Alpha' hosts parties that would make Gatsby blush, only a select few make the guest list. If you make the grade, you might be flown somewhere for the weekend and will receive a goody bag filled full of perfume or Tiffany baubles.

I actually admire and like 'Alpha' in a way, she lives life her way and doesn't worry about being judged. 'Alpha' has a wonderful time.

Unflip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.