help me get my head round this.. not sure if IABU

[ladylargeofnorks]

so S&BiL have had a load of stuff from us for their baby, great, we cleared out pram& pushchair, cot, baby car seat, washable nappies, bath, boucy chair etc. it was beneficial to both of us and we were very happy to do it.

baby is now older and passed the age for the next stage car seat, I now know she has been waiting for us to offer our old seat (ahich we have still because we hadn't got round to getting rid of it)
I thought that was a little presumptious, but hey I really didn't think I minded.
But then she has just called up and asked if we could take down the next age of clothing as the little one has grown out of the clothes we have give. Oh and have we finished with the stroller so they don't have to buy one

So - thoughts going through my head.

They have a much larger household income than us and it is not as if they can't afford to buy some clothes.

We don't need the clothes, so what am I bothered about?

It just isn't sitting straight with me and I think IABU but part of me wants to forget to take the clothes but that isn't actually resolving the things going through my head..

[thumbwitch]

YANBU really - as many have said, it is the presumption - but also it's the "hey, it's ok for YOU to spend your money on the stuff but there's no reason for US to as well". Bet they didn't offer to buy any of the things for your DC, or contribute, did they?

So they are being tight, ungracious and presumptuous; and it doesn't matter a rat's arse whether or not it's family, they should WAIT to be offered and be GRATEFUL for it, not expect it and try to hurry it along.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Ah, yes, indeed.

TBH, I was quite happy when my free clothes ran out, because I was really itching to go buy clothes and couldn't justify it.

[AlCrowley]

Only if it's a girl tortoise. DS is 3 so if she has a boy, then we'll be OK.

Although my sister is a bit of a shopaholic so she'd probably appreciate 'needing' to go shopping all over again for a girl even more!

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

AlCrowley, at seven months gap your friend might be quite disappointed; my child is already (at 18-19 mo) at the stage where she can wear one size for at least that long, so she hasn't grown out of things by the time a 7-month-younger fits into them. Especially if hers is a bit bigger than yours.

I do think it's about presumption and also that baby clothes are sentimental.

We have good friends who, by the time our daughter was born, had a boy and a girl and were absolutely sure they'd not have another, so they said to us, once you find out which you're having we'll give you our hand-me-down clothes.

And they did, they came over with almost a year's worth of clothes, all clean and neatly folded and sorted by size. It was a huge boon.

Once or twice, it crossed my mind fleetingly to wonder what they were doing with the next size up, since their daughter is 4 years older than ours, but God, I'd never actually ask!.

And in fact we were chatting at my daughter's first birthday, and I said again how grateful I was (in the context of, she's out of all of them now, do you want them back or can I hand them down to her cousin?) and my friend confessed that there were many many tears on her part when she'd packed them up. She said it without the intention of making me feel bad, and I don't (since I never asked for the clothes in the first place) but it hadn't really occurred to me how much of a wrench it could be.

So if it's so hard to give away baby clothes, it's a million times harder to feel that they're being snatched away. Is that what's rankling, OP?

[Funkycherry]

I think she is presumptuous rather than rude. Definately taking your generousity for granted.

Just tell her she can have it (lets face it, you were going to give the stuff to her anyway )when you get around to having a clear out. That way, you're giving it to her on your terms still and not just because she's demanded it. (Bit petty, but might make you feel better.)

As for the stuff she's now finished with, how about you do an NCT sale or car-boot together and split the take or give it to charity. She'll see that second hand things still have value and might appritiate your generosity.

[staranise]

OMG, I can't believe that you would consider charging your own family for stuff that you don't want to use any more. Or that you would consider giving perfectly good stuff away, even if to a charity, when there is a family member who is ready and willing to use it. I love seeing my DDs' clothes on my niece - after my own DCs, my nieces and nephews are the children I love the most so why wouldn't I want them to use my stuff?

If I was going to have more children and therefore might use the stuff again, of course I would make very clear that I'd need them back or not agree to lend them. I have some baby items I'm sentimental about and they stay in my attic btu the rest, I am just glad that they are going to good home and

I can only assume that your sister has a very rude and arrogant manner to have pissed you off so much particularly if, as you say, you are normally quite close.

[Mumcentreplus]

I think if you give them away to charity you are bordering on vindictive...you are giving them to your sister and your niece or nephew..

[SpiderObsession]

Do you know what they are doing with the other stuff they have given you? Are they selling it or passing it on?

She's taking you for granted and that is never a good feeling. I would do as others have suggested and say you sold/given it away to someone else, otherwise your resentment will only grow.

[noblegiraffe]

Crikey, when my brother's baby was born, my sister and I were both hoping it would be the sex of our respective children (she has girls, I have a boy) so that we could offload more of our stuff.

I see it as them doing me a favour by taking a load of stuff I'm not going to use any more off my hands. I certainly wouldn't get precious or think about charging them for it. It's family.

[Blu]

The green arguments hold no sway unless the OP was planning to tip it all in landfill!

You can get good ££ at NCT Nearly New sales, or on ebay.

When people generously passed stuff on to me, I usually bought them a few things for their children and said "here's something to pass down in due course!"

And offered to pay for substantial items.

S and BiL are being thoughtless and presumptious, but maybe took thier cue from you being so pleased to clear stuff out the first time.

Nothing to start a family fued about, just say you might be selling some stuff but you are willing togive them first pick / first refusal at a knock-down price.

[Alicetheinvisible]

Because it is your sis, i would not cause a fuss, but would ask for the stuff her child had now outgrown that you had given her so you could give it to the young parents charity. That way, everyone is (vaguely) happy and also aware that it is not a given!

[bitoffun]

I love the eBay link idea

[hairytriangle]

yabu. if you don't need the stuff, it's environmentally more friendly to pass stuff on to them, it shouldn't matter if they can afford new.

[GeekOfTheWeek]

How rude.

[Flisspaps]

I go against Butterbur here and say different rules don't apply to sisters - to just presume you're going to continue to kit out their DD for free,and to deliver the stuff is just plain rude, regardless of the fact you're related.

I'd give the most of the stuff to charity and pass on just one or two bits to her.

[Mumcentreplus]

or niece

[Mumcentreplus]

YANBU...she does seem to act like its an entitlement more than gift/favour...but tbh shes your sister and thats probably why she's asking instead of waiting, my sister asked for our buggy when her son was born and I happily obliged...actually I love giving the old stuff away because it just sits in my house and clutters up the place...I'm a classic procrastinator/lazy arse so probably could'nt even be bothered to sell them ...its for your nephew so just think of it like that...

[SloanyPony]

YANBU. A favour that makes you feel good suddenly makes you feel rather done over with the sense of entitlement that they have.

[DameGladys]

I think lending/giving baby stuff has added layers of emotion because of what it is.

I'm struggling with lending stuff at the moment while trying to appear super generous. I'm sure we'll get it back if/when we're lucky enough to have another, but there's something in me that would love to hoard it 'safely' in the loft. It's bizarre.

It doesn't take much empathy to work out that baby stuff has this extra sentimental attachment, so they are being a little presumptuous I think. Though I expect I was exactly the same when all wrapped up in my first pregnancy, feeling like I was the first person it had ever happened to.

Is it wrong that I posted mainly to get the correct spelling of presumptuous in there?

[Soapsy]

I would have the same inexplicable feeling of irritation as well. I'd also be suggesting that she comes down to collect rather than you having to deliver.

[Butterbur]

She's your sister!

I loved being able to give old boys' clothes to my sister. I had a real problem with parting from any baby stuff, and it somehow felt better keeping it all in the family.

I got old girls'clothes back from her too, and even if they weren't what I would've chosen, or were five years out of date due to the age gap, I never said anything, because I assumed she felt the same as me.

I wouldn't have felt put upon if she'd asked when the next lot was coming, nor if she'd joked about getting a gift oufit back in a few months/years.

Different rules apply to sisters.

[Tidey]

It's definitely one thing to be given stuff for a baby, be grateful and think 'It was good I didn't have to buy that myself' and whole other thing to think 'I never have to buy anything myself again as someone will give me it'.

I was given lots of stuff for DS and DD but would have never gone to the person and said 'They've outgrown that now, I want the next size up' Bloody rude.

[FortunateHamster]

Not wine for the kid, that would be weird. I can't seem to type very well today

[FortunateHamster]

YANBU

I have been given some second-hand baby clothes by a couple of friends as their sons grew older. In both cases I have bought them a little something to say thank you (wine/toy for kid and clothes for new baby). I don't think gifts always need to be reciprocated, but personally I felt bad for taking so much and not giving anything back! I can't afford to give as much as given (ie a bag of clothes vs one new thing), but hopefully at least I haven't taken anything for granted.

Not to offer anything in return and expect them to keep on coming month after month is rude, I think.

[Bramshott]

I can see why you might feel a bit taken for granted, but you could look at it from a green point of view - they are keen to re-use as much as possible. And you have to admit that it would be annoying to go out and buy the next size of clothes / car seat / stroller only for you to turn up the next week with your outgrown ones?! Although I imagine it was in the way that it was phrased!