to send a letter to someone who has really peed me off?

[carocaro]

BLAH BLAH BLAH

This friend of my recently deceased Grandmother had a right go at me when she died in December.

She hardly knows me but spouted such presumed crap and ill judged nonsense at me, it still riles and upsets me.

She has sort of said sorry via someone else but not to me. She sat having a cup of tea with my brother like the sun shines out of his arse yet he did nothing for my Grandmother in the last year and I did lots.

Why should I just lie down and take this crap? I am not a doormat and what gives anyone the right to treat someone like that?

I don't get take the higher ground/turn the other cheek business, it just lets other get away with being mean and vile.

So I have written her a letter, not nastly, just telling her what I think and feel.

Do you agree or not?

[tartyhighheels]

You really should not send this. It's horrible and designed to make her feel bad and how can that help anyone.

I had a couple of similar things when my mum died, a woman she worked with, who she was close to came around the morning she died at home, my mum still in the other room waiting for the undertakers, and started wailing, head on my shoulder and asked for a special teddy she had bought to be put in my mum's coffin!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she hadn't seen her for months and it was the guilt talking as often it is when people die. I didn't put the teddy in, I also mad a point of not inviting a distant family member to the funeral becuase I didn't want him there (dreadful little man) Funnily enough I was her in a book shop yesterday, I should have said hellp but just walked away....best thing to do, what's the point of making her feel bad?

There were many other people I was horribly pissed off by during my Mothers long illness and after her death - I could have been spiteful but my Mum would not have wanted me to do that so I have avoided situations rather than confronting them. And trust me when I tell you, I am a confrontational type.

If you haven't sent it, please don't and if you have, you have gone too far. Now the pendulum has swung the other way, and you owe the apology.

[differentnameforthis]

The thing is, if you send this or an abridged version of, it will help no one.

It will give her more ammunition. It will give you nothing.

I would leave it, tbh. If she bothers you that much, stay away or get yourself some good comebacks to her harsh/horrible words.

The sending of the letter will drag the matter out, she will want to respond, then you will feel the need to respond etc etc. It is a cycle that you can well do without in your grief.

Try to remember the good times with your Nan. But don't use her past word to get into a battle of words that has the potential to escalate & cause more pain!

[TubbyDuffs]

Sorry, but I think it comes across as spiteful and mean, and if you were the caring grandchild you say you were (and I have no reason to doubt this) it really does you a disservice. Bin it and give yourself time to grieve and see how you feel in a month's time.

[fiveisanawfullybignumber]

You obviously feel strongly about this and it must be awfull for you atm, other people really rile me when they make unfair assumptions.
I would calm down for a day or two then re-draft and send a letter stating how much her unwarranted assumptions are hurtful to a grieving grandchild, but don't give her any ammunition back as the others have said.
The mutton as lamb thing can be kept as a funny secret between you and your grandmother.
Sometimes these kind of people do need to be told they are being spiteful, but it has to be done in the correct way so there is no nasty comeback for you.

[Katisha]

I know its utter crap and that you feel angry with your brother as well.
But maybe try a new take on this and try to let it go. Who cares what that old cow thinks? Draw a line under it and nove forward if poss. The main thing is that worrying and stewing about it doesn't impinge upon your quality of life - don't let her wreck your mental equilibrium. Don't get eaten up with trying to get her back.
It never works with these people, and frankly, I'm sure people around her actually know what she's like.

I know this is all easier said than done.

[OrmRenewed]

Good choice caro

[carocaro]

I have not posted it.

I went out and left it, as advised.

Was in a friggin foul mood this morning, had just had a row with my brother about it all, who had been for a cup of tea with said woman last week. I was angry and upset he did not stand up to for me to her.

I put the mutton/lamb comment in as she had said to me that my Grandma always said to her I looked fat and tired. TBH she was not the nicest person sometimes.

Good point about her using the letter as possible future amunition/play into her hands.

I just feel like you know when it's just all swirling in your head, what to do with it all, plus the fact the 'grandpa use to abuse you' comment had made me feel so mentally stamped upon and shocked, hence the sounding nuts a bit.

I will revisit at some point, tone it down, just keep it simple. Maybe send it.

Thanks for all advice and understanding.

Fucking Families!

[biggirlsdontcry]

i agree with rollbauble - putting your feelings into a letter like this is only asking for trouble further down the line iykwim ,

[RollBaubleUnderTree]

This is the sort of letter that this woman will keep and take great pleasure in showing to people as evidence that you are nasty and deranged.

I know how those sort of people operate and this letter will play into her hands.

[FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010]

If it hasn't been posted you really need to take out the line about mutton and bigging herself up.

[StealthPolarBear]

I wondered if the OP had mistakenly put "posted" as she was posting it here as well iyswim

[Katisha]

65 is not elderly!

Just thought I'd make that point!

[piratecat]

you've written it, now i would def wait 24 hours, then edit it.

I speak from experience, of feeling so so pissed off, then writing it down. Then really wanting to send it, to leaving it, then re writing it. Makes it more to the point, and less 'emotional'. iyswim

[mumblechum]

Agree 100% with Nancy66

[StealthPolarBear]

no gorionine , first bit was to you, second bit to op, obviously! can't you read my mind?

[Katisha]

Sounds like it has already gone in the post.

"FYI - Here is the letter I have just posted. "

[StayingDavidTennantsGirl]

If you haven't posted it yet, OP, I would recommend walking away from it and coming back later to reread it, edit it and, as others have said, remove the typos and make it more succinct. And take out the 'mutton dressed as lamb' comment too - it is unneccessary and does you no favours.

And think carefully before you post it - will it achieve what you intend or will it just make things worse - she could ring up and have another go at you, and upset you even more.

Maybe just writing it will have helped - a catharsis, as someone has already said.

[Nancy66]

I wouldn't send it. it's badly written and doesn't make an awful lot of sense but, aside from that, it's nasty - especially using your dead grandmother to get at her.

She's your grandmother's friend who you now no longer have to have in your life. Let it go.

[Tamarto]

Gos h that letter makes you look unhinged and not just a bit spiteful, however your choice.

[gorionine]

I meant posted if the question was for me.

[MadameCastafiore]

I think you should take the upper hand and not send it as it just sounds like waffle to me - on and on and on.

Sometimes it is nicer and more dignified just to know you are right and if you really need to address something do it face to face politely or not at all.

[StealthPolarBear]

oh yes, sjhe has - do you mean posted or written?

[gorionine]

Sorry Op, I did not realise that you had actually already posted the letter.