to think that maybe she went a little bit overboard?

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

It was my birthday yesterday and DH was taking me away for the day and then we were going out for tea. Mum was going to mind DS.

She came round in the morning for a couple of minutes to pick up my DS and obviously to visit me on my birthday. Dad and DB came round at the same time, didn't really speak to me and didn't say happy birthday. I explained that it was really important that DS went to bed between 6-7pm as he usually goes about 6.15 and it is the one thing he is really picky about. He's 17 months and when he's ready for bed he gets his PJs, nappy and wipes, asks for a cup of 'milk' and says 'bobos' if he's left up any later he gets really unsettled and he will be up a good few times in the night crying. He likes to get up about 8am and if he has gone to bed at his bed time he sleeps through. He's a little poorly at the moment with a head cold and cough so it's even more important.

I said I wasn't fussed about anything else, when I send food she normally doesn't feed him it and gives him her own thing so I thought fair enough since she's having him overnight for us.

She ended up 'losing track of time' as she went to her sister's house who generally takes priority over anyone else. She rang me at 7.45 saying she'd just put him to bed and he was crying his eyes out and refusing his cup of milk. She wanted to know what to do. I was just getting ready to go to the meal and got a little flustered. I was ok on the phone but I txt afterwards and said 'I really appreciate you having him for us but when he stays at yours or [DH's mums's] it's really important you stick to our routine as it really works for him.' She gets very huffy and on her high horse if MIL ever does anything slightly wrong like feed him the 'wrong' thing or put him to bed later/fuss over him and play with him when he's in his cot.

She rang me and said 'what the hell is that supposed to mean?' I said 'nothing, I'm just saying he's very much in his bed routine and he'll keep you up all night now and he'll be bad for a couple of nights.' she was really angry and started shouting.

I said I really didn't want to row on my birthday and I was on my way out. She said 'fine, see you' and hung up.

I rang this morning and I was nice, didn't mention the night before, just asked when we should pick him up. She was off, but ok.

She wasn't in when we went to pick him up so I rang her a few times to find out where she was, she didn't answer her mobile. I then rang my dad who was really off with me, barely spoke, was grumpy and had a really nasty attitude. I finally got in touch with my mum and she had gone shopping so DH and I went to meet her to get DS. I asked her why my dad had been off and if it had been because of the night before. She said 'I don't know'. I said that I hadn't been horrible, I'd simply said that it is important that he goes to bed at his bed time as he gets unsettled otherwise. She started shouting in the shop. She said that DS had slept fine but he was tired out and slept 2 and a half hours when he got home. He doesn't normally sleep in the day anymore or if he does it's for 15-20 mins or so.

My sister came round today to bring me a card and I said 'I think mum's upset with me'. Mum had already told her what had happened but had been moaning about the fact she looks after DS 3 afternoons a week while I work, but at the moment she has to have him 4 as SIL has broken her leg and can't look after him. My sister was well and truly on mum's side. My mum has her twins 6 days a week all day. Sister said that I 'need mum too much' to 'act' like I have, and that if I'm going to have mum look after DS then I can't have anything done how I want it done, it needs to be how mum has it done and I can bite my tongue.

She was quite agressive about this.

Background is that they are a toxic family and I am very much the scapegoat in general anyway. But I was just trying to ask her to do what is best for DS. I was nice about it and really don't know why she has kicked off so much. Now mum isn't speaking to me at all and had to drop some birthday cards off for me so she walked past my front room window- I was sat in the chair next to the window, posted them through the door and marched off.

It just all seems silly. I have a teaching observation this week and my 20 week scan so I'm very worried and may be being irrational but I just cannot see why she's gone mad about it.

[MintyCane]

yup have now sorry

[SanctimoniousTeeTotalPrig]

Read the thread...

[MintyCane]

YABU Not sure why you leave your son with a toxic family anyway.

[Fibilou]

Have I got this right, she has your son 4 days a week and your sister's twins for 6 days ? I know it's difficult and expensive to get childcare but I really think that's too much to expect of someone who must be 50+. To be honest I'm not surprised that she might be frazzled and easily annoyed as I think this is a bit of an imposition.
You want her to look after your son so I think YABU.

[girlsyearapart]

Lovely news! welcome to the world of pink. (Try as you might it all ends up that colour!)
Glad you spoke to your Mum.
Seems like things could be turning a corner.

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

Great news about the scan.

Good that you were able to have a nice conversation with your mum.

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

Scan was good and girl on the way very happy.

Had a good long chat with mum, we're good now and she said that she's finding it hard coping with sister's kids 7 days a week and her and dad are going up to talk to her this weekend! progress. I told her I was thinking of putting DS in nursery as I feel very unfair on her and then I moved on quickly with the conversation so as to not allow any feedback on the comment. So it's out there now.

But she was upset today as she didn't get her afternoon with him as DH's family had him. She also wanted to come to the scan but she had sister's DCs and I think DH wanted it to be just me and him secretly. Was a lovely long scan though as baby was very awkward and so they had to scan me twice

[girlsyearapart]

How did it go today then totally

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

Weegie- never taken it so I don't know. I think it began with an M. There's nothing more to it, they literally will not prescribe it and they won't budge. Obstetrician is usually really, exceptionally good but he said no to the midwife. However, I never actually got to ask him myself. It is purely what the midwife said. She also said she can't see the point in sleeping tablets to 'relax' me. I have absolutely no intensions of taken them as GP said the side effect can be that it slows baby's heart slightly- I really do not like the sound of that.

DH is on Citalopram so I asked if I can take that and they said no, not even 20mg and that they would definately NOT prescribe my fluoxetine. However, when I researched online, it says that Fluoxetine is one of the most researched ADs in pregnancy.

Rang midwife today and she said she will have to 'look into' it again as she is sure ADs are ok and she has other patients on ADs

Not happy with it at all feel very let down by doctors. They don't seem to want to prescribe anything at the moment.

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

Totally

Glad to have helped. I was worried I gone in a bit too analytical .

[ChunkyMonkeysMum]

*oops, sorry, arrange not arange.

[ChunkyMonkeysMum]

Totally - I agree with the poster who said that you need to sit down with your mum and ask her what she wants with regards to looking after the kids. Maybe even arange for your dsis to be there too, so it can be sorted once and for all.

What's going to happen when DC2 is born ? Will you still work ? If so, who's going to look after both of the kids ?

[weegiemum]

I have never heard of a GP practice where 6 doctors would all refuse antidepressants in pregnancy but prescribe sleeping tablets. That just doesn't happen, IME (long term depression, 3 children).

I took sertraline in all my pregnancies. No-one would ever offer sleeping tablets. Just cos you give them in labour doesn't mean they are safe in the rest of pregnancy.

Either every doctor in your practice, the midwife and the consultant are negligent, or there is some other thing going on that you haven't mentioned. Cos that sounds just, well, weird!

And I ran it past my dh (who is a GP) as well and he says the same - he doesn't know any GP who would not prescribe citalopram or sertraline in pregnancy (or even fluoxetine) in preference to any kind of sleeping tablet which might become at least psychologically if not physically addictive.

How come you don't know the name of your medication?

[TheBolter]

It also sounds as if your mother is obsessed with competing with your MIL.

She definitely seems to have a few points to score.

I still think your dsis is taking the piss and is the main cause of your mother's stress. Unfortunately she also sounds like the kind of person who can do no wrong so I sympathise with your situation.

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

Thanks Jamie, I appreciated your step by step approach to this thread- helped me get my head around things a bit.

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

Good luck Total.

I must say, from what you wrote of your last conversation with your mum, she was taking a very defensive line and didn't appear to want to listen to you. You sound like you need a bit more TLC at the moment. Glad to hear you are getting it from your husband.

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

slowreading- I just meant in future, not that I'd have him stay there again in all honesty. It was also kind of a point that she can only jump on every little thing MIL does if she's going to do things by the book, otherwise it's just not fair.

Girls- scan's tomorrow. Eeek. Very nervous. Trying not to get my hopes up incase there's something wrong but I'm so excited over every kick.

[slowreadingprogress]

I agree the text was rude. It was already past his bedtime; no point in texting what you did. It was just a telling off, basically. Which is fine, if that was your intention, but not if you're trying to see it as she's over-reacted about nothing. She hasn't - it was rude.

Also agree that this is your child, you decide who looks after him, no one else. Think you have made right choice to have him somewhere else.

[girlsyearapart]

anyway totally have you had the scan now?? How did it go?

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

ThingOne- he's going to nursery from now on.

I forgot to say to whoever asked before, DH is very supportive but sister and her husband were quite horrible to him when we first got together and he has always been treated as more of an outsider than BIL, but he's treated more of an insider than me IYSWIM. To the point that he's noticed, and he's not someone who notices or fusses. He's not overly keen on my family because of how they have been with him in the past but he is very nice to them and won't cause any kind of friction. But he does support me wholeheartedly.

[ThingOne]

YANBU to want your son's happy bedtime routine to continue.

I do think your text sounds extremely rude. It does not matter if your son has one late night. I'm sorry he was upset but it's not a biggie, is it really?

Your mother may well be extremely toxic but she's also knackered, looking after your sister's children virtually full time. No wonder she can't cope and flew off the handle when you critcised her.

You are very lucky to have so much free childcare on tap.

[DeFluffMyFanjo]

Totally - thats disgusting. Really no need for that kind of rubbish in this day and age. As for 'how could you forgive yourself' thats just appalling. What about keeping you sane and well so that you can look after your baby? No one would ever suggest you took anything that would harm your baby but (at least with citalopram) there are no known effects at all.

Do some research yourself, look on here at the mental halth forums, try typing in 'citalopram' and pregnancy and see all the threads that come up.

And find a new dr, you SHOULD NOT have to cope with this on your own.

[skinsl]

Hope this comes out the right way. I think your mother's behaviour is unreasonable. yes, you are asking her for childcare, which is probably too much for her, but she offered and she is your mother, the obvious choice. She is supposed to support you and you are pregnant, post natal, and more than a little stressed i think. I am sorry you don't have a more supportive family, and I'm sorry your mother cant take a step back and see that you need help not hassle right now. All you did was ask her to keep your child to his routine. Where is your husband in all this, is he being supportive?

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

I haven't taken the sleeping tablets. They said they give them to pregnant women in labour so that they can nap before it all kicks off properly. I'm not sure what they are.

They have said they can only offer me counselling. Which I've had before and it was a bit crap.

There are no special circumstances or anything, but my doctors just refuse point blank as they said they can't be good for a baby and one said that she cannot see how I'd forgive myself if anything was wrong with the baby and I'd had ADs. I thought that was a bit OTT!

I think another doctor is the only alternative but I don't want to leave my midwives at that surgery and really can't afford a private doctor at the moment so I think I'll have to ring around other surgeries and find out what they think.

[Northernlurker]

Book your son into nursery for one day a week and see how things goes. That way you aren't burning any bridges or being too drastic but you've got the back up if it all goes pearshaped. Your sister is behaving very badly imo - a bit of babysitting is one thing, she's got your mum raising her kids!