To be totally sick to death of people saying to me....

[TheLadyEvenstar]

"you must be mad"
"You need your head seeing to"
"oh that must be like starting all over again"
"did you need much help in the beginning because of the gap"?

When they see or ask me about the ages of ds1 and ds2. ffs I wanted an age gap no not necessarily 9 years but guess what thats the way it happened. I like my age gaps, I have not got to try and split my time between 2 demanding toddlers, worry about getting one out of nappies while the other still needs them, I don't need to buy 2 lots of nappies, I don't care that I am 34 with an 11 yr old and a 2 yr old, no i was not very young when i had ds1 but I am more relaxed with ds2....

Sorry rant over just sick of the comments.

[skybright]

Theladyevenstar...i have a 14 year old an almost 12 year old and a one year old.

Almost everyone does comment on the massive age gap but i always say how great it has been to do the whole baby phase etc with the benefit of hindsight.

Sometimes people who protest to loudly about not wanting "to go back to all that" are green with envy IMO.

[thumbwitch]

ooh, have you got a motorised one? my client had one of those - when my sciatica really kicks in I wish I had one and then mentally chastise myself for being feeble because I don't actually need one and there are so many people who really do.

post-viral syndrome then - yes, my good friend who had ME got it after a bout of labyrinthitis. The immune system is a weird and sometimes wonderful thing. If you want to chat more to me about it at all, my email is thumbwitch at live dot co dot uk.

Sorry, sorry TLE!

[Satsuma1]

Good grief, it amazes me how people think it's OK to make such ridiculous comments!

There are pros and cons to all age gaps and some really lovely advantages to the 9 years which you have between your sons. Just think about how much DS2 will gain from having an 11yr old big brother to look up to. Also how lovely it is for your older son to have the chance to watch (and remember) his wee brother grow up and how funny they are when they're toddlers.

Ignore these idiotic comments and enjoy what such a wonderful age gap brings.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Hey Thumb/Erika no problems. I am not going to moan about people discussing a disability on here, it is a subject very close to my heart. My dad was disabled from when I was 5 so know a lot about being a child of someone with a disability iyswim? Mind you thats something else that gets my goat when people say things like "oh the poor children it must be so hard to deal with having a parent in a wheelchair/using a stick"etc.

I normally say "actually thats what made me the person I am now, if not for learning how to help my dad when he needed it then i wouldn't have learnt half of what i did".

The age gap thing well I love both of my boys the same, I do think that it is easier without having 2 toddlers but thats my choice.

[ErikaMaye]

I'm glad you seem to feel it was a positive thing for you in some ways, I am concernd about how it will affect my son - they think my condition is going to stay at this level now for a while, so obviously I'm not going to be able to run around with him when he gets to that ages, and I am worried about comments being made when he starts school etc.

[twirlymum]

I've got a 6 year gap between mine. Had a mc inbetween, then it just took a long time to conceive ds. I know what you mean about people's reactions. I always feel as if people assume my dc must be from two different fathers because the gap is quite big. It's been great for us, as dd was like a little mummy to ds, and a great help!

[random]

I had a 5 year gap then a 9 year gap between my 3...I loved having big gaps never caused me any problems really..

[hazeyjane]

I agree that some of the comments are hurtful, but I think I might have said the "oh it must be like starting over again" one to my friend when she had her 3rd after a 9 year gap. I think sometimes people say stuff not meaning it to be hurtful, but because it is something outside of their experience. I have had lots of comments because of having a 14 month gap between dd's, and some are hurtful (of the "you can't give them the individual attention they need.." variety, "you must be mad" etc), but some are just because they have a bigger gap and so it just seems unusual, or they see me in the supermarket with both of them having a huge tantrum and me banging my head against the conveyer belt, and then saying something like "you must be a glutton for punishment" seems like a reasonable comment!

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Erika, I won't lie i did go through a lot of taunting at school but i quickly learnt to handle it, When people made comments about my dad or ridiculed him and i went home crying dad would console me. Then one day i went home sobbing because of my own cousin taking the piss out of him and he said the best bit of advice ever given to me. When people make comments just follow it up with another
eg:

Your dad walks with a stick he is a spaz (was common when i was a child but i hated the word even then), I would reply

Yes and he has a wooden leg, glass eye, plastic arm and cardboard heart

I learnt that if my dad could laugh then so could I, I stopped getting upset by the comments (well i didn't let others see) and instead of laughing with them as they thought i was, i was laughing at them.

I was bathing dad by the time i was 9, helping him to the toilet and if he couldn't get there, i would get him his urine bottle and then empty it when he had finished. I would get his medication for him. They were all character building things i had to do. I had to learn that although my dad couldn't teach me to play football, he could teach me to rewire a plug, he couldn't run around with me but he could teach me to build things, and he taught me to cook....as i wrote on his flowers when he died "Dad you taught me many things in life that i would have to do but dad you never taught me how to cope with losing you" and that is true.

one of my greatest memories of my dad is when i did a marathon for charity at the age of 9 i ran 8 miles, by then dad had had numerous operations on his knee and was barely able to walk some days. But this one day he ran the last mile with me as i was tiring and he wanted me to have the self satisfaction of finishing regardless of where i had come. And i did finish it with my dad by my side...even now 23yrs on i remember with a smile and a tear as I knew even then how much that took for him to do. He suffered badly for the next week with pain but never once said it was my fault, in fact he said i had made him proud and thats why he wanted to finish with me.

I never saw him run again so it is a special memory. One thing i always remember is that when we were children he always had a smile, joke or song for us, he never wanted us to know he was in pain even though we did know he did not want to show us he was. He wanted us to have the happiest childhood possible and did everything he could for us, when he became housebound I would come home from school for lunch, and he would make sure i had a decent meal, and then send me back to school with a loving hug from my dad.

Sorry got a bit soppy there, but my dad died almost 6 yrs ago and I miss him so very much.

Just remember one thing your son will learn the rights and wrongs from you and he will admire you as i do my dad.

[SmallScrewCap]

I've just had my second, and my first is 6.

I have had people giving me eyebrows and warning me about sibling rivalry, telling me how put out the eldest one will be, telling me how neglected the younger will be, etc.

Baby's only 3 weeks old, but so far it's a very peaceful household - my eldest is delighted with the baby, very loving and helpful, whereas the youngest isn't bothered what's going on as long as he is fed and dry.

I sometimes detect a note of disappointment from those who ask "So is the honeymoon over yet?" or "Are they sick of each other now?" - almost as though they want us to be struggling. It only seems to be parents of kids born very close together that have this outlook. They are often also keen to know how the two children "compare", which is something I'm not keen to start doing - it can't be avoided, but better not to encourage it either IMO.

DH and I both have siblings 18 months younger than us, which was okay, but we have always felt one of a package, and both of us have had to struggle for an independant identity. There's also a tendancy to compare - the good one vs the naughty one, clever one vs sporty one, etc.

The age gap for us was an active decision - we wanted 3 clear years between our kids at least. 3 years ago we lost one to miscarriage and for a good while thought we wouldn't try again, so 6 years wasn't exactly planned.

I am sure that age gaps bring their own problems, not least of which is a longer disruption to finances and careers, plus a test of patience, but on balance I'm delighted with how things have turned out.

[ErikaMaye]

Could I be very un-MNlike and give you a hug? Thank you for sharing that with me, I got all teary eyed reading it! Your dad sounds like an amazing person. x

[larry5]

I have two ds- one is 35 and one is 32. We then had a 15 year age gap and dd is now 17. I felt like going round with at T-shirt on say "This was not a mistake".

I have had a wonderful time with my dd and her older brothers have been fantastic. Ds1 has at times been like a third parent and as dh was 45 and was 40 when she was born ds1 has done some of the more energetic things with her.

The only thing that annoyed me when I was expecting dd was that the hospital assumed that dd didn't have the same father as her brothers and also that he was referred to as my partner not my husband as they didn't want to offend people who aren't married.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Erika, my dad really was my hero. He was such a strong minded man. If i could have one wish I would want to have just 1 minute with him to tell him I love him and that when he left me he took a huge part of me with him. Ds2 has dads name as a middle name, it was going to be his first name but it is not a common name and I don't think I would have coped with calling him by it iyswim?...

oh dear ppl will see a softer side to me now....

[ErikaMaye]

Perfectly understandable.

Its okay to have a soft center! Its so touching to hear how close you were to him.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Erika, there is something about the feelings a child has towards their sick/disbaled parent that stands out from the crowd. We are not only children we are carers even if it is in being able to do something simple for ourselves that other parents do for their children iyswim? It is hard to explain but its not anger, hurt or anything like that it is love, admiration and fight which develop early on, you as a child fight to defend your parent, fight to keep yourself from being hurt etc. And the love is hard to explain as well, you see in someways a disabled parent is reliant on their child for something whether they want to be or not, and the child will do anything for their parent..the bond becomes so strong that you both rely on eachother so much and the love is intense....oh i dunno if thats the right word.

[thumbwitch]

TLE - your post about your Dad has brought tears to my eyes - your love and admiration for him shines out of it, how lucky you were to have had such a wonderful Dad! and him too, to have had you.
UnMNlike ((hugs)) from me too.

[CherryPopTart]

goes the other way aswell, if you have two kids around a year apart people assume the secound was a mistake
honestly i wish there was a bigger age gap between me and my sister as we've spend most of our lives fighting like cat and dog

[addictedtomn]

theres 20 years between my brother and people always ask what its like to have a step dad my brother has the same biological mum and dad i do, and yes he was even [shock horror] planned.

people can be quite rude sometimes!

[Seabright]

There is 27 years between my DD & her half-brother.

I think people are too shocked to say anything to us most of the time . Stuff 'em all!

[thumbwitch]

that is very impressive, Seabright!

[LilRedWG]

When my Mum was pregnant with me she had a 14yo, 12yo, 8yo and twin 6yos. Her Mum went around telling everyone that I was a mistake and that she was going to have to bring me up along with the others. Gawd bless the old battle-axe. I think gaps are great. I had a fab childhood and for a lot of it felt like an only child.