I feel like DH's job is ruining my life

[IandJsmummy]

DH is a long haul pilot. He's away 50% of the time and about 70% of weekends. He's been doing this job for 3 years, prior to that he was a military pilot. Because of the risk and longer term absences in his old job, I thought things would definitely be better when he went to the airlines, but I am coming to see that it makes my life so tough.

I hate him being away weekends. He misses so much and the children (DD - 4, DS, 1.6) miss him terribly. I can't do everything I want to with them on my own. I work practically full time during the week. This weekend, he went away on Thursday and came back today at lunch time but went straight to bed. He's not up yet (4.30pm) so may not be up for tea so that will be the 6th meal I've cooked, fed and cleaned up after on my own.

I have no time to myself and I really resent it. I also wanted to have another baby and decided I couldn't cope, but I've realised that the reason I couldn't cope is because half of the time I would be on my own with all three. So his job impacts on what I can do at the weekend, what my children can do, how often they see their dad, my wider lifestyle choices and also my job, because I can't put in place any regular flexible pattern because he has no regularity. He misses social occasions, he will almost certainly be away this Christmas and he missed DD's first day at school. I feel we really lose out. He loves his job and gets to travel, see friends abroad, play golf, ski in the winter...

How can I stop feeling like this? Anyone else married to a pilot with a young family, how do you cope? I know other people work long hours (I am a city lawyer so I know that only too well) but I really feel that the weekends thing is going to become more and more of an issue.

I just don't know what to do.

[movingnow]

I know where you're coming from, DH has spent the last 18 months working abroad for 6 weeks/home for 2 weeks.

[NoahAmin]

I think men need to see the nitty gritty of everyday life not swan in for a weekend.

I think now my child is at secondary school with the acres of homework and juggling of after school activities, if my h was still working the hours he was we would be MUCH less of a family.

[PumaGirl]

Hi there IandJs.

Sorry you are finding the lifestyle tough - wonder if I could add a few things.

Firstly, I think people who fly love the life and don't really want to give it up, especially as they probably won't make anywhere near the amount of money in another industry.

So your options will probably come down to either changing to shorthaul or getting your DH to go part-time. If his airline has the shorthaul option then that's great - change fleet. He'll then probably be around more nights but will still have to work a certain amount of weekends. If not, then it's an airline change which is nigh on impossible at the moment given that no-one is hiring. Could be a longer term prospect though when the economy picks up.

Part-time should be relatively easy at the moment as most airlines are actively looking for people to do exactly that through reduced hours/sabbatical/unpaid leave. Could he take a couple of years out and go back to the forces? I know people who are doing that also.

I don't know if any of that is of use - but hopefully a bit.

On the subject of sleeping when he gets in from a trip .... it may be hellishly annoying but I promise you it's almost impossible to stay awake after a trip and function. Best compromise there is if he usually conks out for 6 hours, then see if he'll set an alarm for just 4 hours sleep and get up after that.

Best of luck!

[foxinsocks]

yes exactement

it doesn't matter how much hired help you have. The fact that you're doing it without the emotional support and presence of your partner is what gets you in the end. And the kids do notice.

Once you start feeling that way, teh next step is wondering why you're in the relationship and believe me, after that step downwards, it's a v slippery slope in one direction.

As I said, a temporary situation like this is one thing. but to have it stretching out endlessly in front of you....v v v difficult

[NoahAmin]

I totally agree
and then you start complaining
life gets awkward for him adn he falls into anothers arms

the divorce rate is VERY high.

[NoahAmin]

yes kids DO noctice, they want their dad to watch them at ballet/football and want to be a normal family.
no reduced holidays or whatever make up for that.

[ThePhantomPlopper]

What do you think he'd say if you asked him to leave or reduce his hours? Would he be willing to do it do you think?

[katiestar]

One of my neighbours husbands is a pilot and I don't even know what he looks like ! YANBU to be fed up.

[Seabright]

IKWYM about the sleeping. My DP sleeps until lunchtime virtually every weekend then gets dressed around 2pm. Whilst I've been up with the baby since about 6:30.

Why? He's tired. I know he is, and it's genuine. Trouble is, I'm tired too. But that never seems to count.

Sorry for hijack. Rant over. And breathe...

[wonderingwondering]

When your partner works long/irregular hours, it is really hard. DH works 14/15 hour days most days, and some weekends (lawyer).

I gave up my city career to be at home more - it makes a big difference. I work, p/t, as spending so much time on my own with the children was driving me up the wall! But being at home more means I run the house - I have a cleaner, an ironing lady and a reliable babysitter, I sort all that out, make sure the bills are paid and the finances are straight, book the holidays and make plans for nice things to do when DH is not at work.

So when DH is home, we have an evening out, and spend the weekends with the children, doing family things.

Maybe you dropping some hours is an option, so you're not so tired, and can have everything ready for when your DH emerges from his pit when he is home! Then you can pop out and do something enjoyable for a few hours, rather than having to catch up with domestic things - even 'the have you paid the gas bill' is a real drag when you have such a limited time together.

I think that while you can earn a lot of money in a long hours career, you have to spend some of it to make your life bearable - the cleaner, childcare, ready meals, nice clothes to cheer you up so you feel great when the two of you do get some time together - whatever makes the time on your own easier and the time together more enjoyable.

[gingernutlover]

I can relate to how you are feeling (for different reasons but that probably doesn't matter) It helped when I explained to dh that I felt that when I had dd evry little bit of my life changed beyond recognition and his didnt change very much at all. Once he understood that things imporved.

It sounds like for much of the time your husband is living his life the same way he did before children and that he doesnt have to change his plans, race home from work to make the tea etc etc for the children whereas you do that constantly and without any help or support. Whilst there maybe isnt much you or he can do about it, sometimes knowing he knows and understands helps.

Perhaps point out to him the last time you slept til the afternoon.

[BethNoire]

Lots of good advice on here I think

When the first two were small, Dh worked very long days (left at 6am, back for 11pm) and so whilst he was around, I had two under 14 months plus a job to manage so it was exhausting and I hated it with a vengeance.

By teh time we had ds3, DH had reworked his job so that he was around a lot more and it was so much nicer, and in all truth his bond with the younger two is so much better.

It looks as if he will be back to silly hours through no choice (post redundancy job shortage) and I am not looking forward to it at all, I would want to return to work myself in the next year or so and knowing I cannot look at jobs with evening or weekend work due to a non existence of suitablelocal childcare is evry depressing indeed, it ahs left a whole 2 jobs ijn my field in the last two months to apply for, and becuase they are so short in supply I didn't even get a no thanks letter.

I do think it gets a bit easier as they age though; they miss their Dad but they can talk on the phone or email him when he is at work if they want, and once or twicew we have directly put it to them that if they wanted to see him more we would have to give up X and Y, and they were horrified at the idea (in reality they wouldn't as we are below minimum wage atm anyway- self employed- but YKWIM. long term).

Had Dh been still working those hours we'd be divorced, absolutely, we had grown massively apart. My ssiter found the same thing and her DH has just swapped his sly-everywhere-at-a-moments-notice international ttruble shooter job in favour of a slightly reduced paypacket and a chgance to see their one child before he is a tenager, very wise IMO.


Anyway- what can you do? help is good if you have it, it doesn't need to be in the house- you could have someone come swimming etc (here it's one adult per under 8 so no help would mean no swim). You could eprhaps get someone via homestart to be there for you as well, there's usually a waiting list but absolutely I'd have put you on mine when I was working there, isolation was one of the main reasons we existed.
Also I know that before DH lost his job I was going to join a local health club that had a creche: amazing what an hour or so's break and a swim alone can do!

[moondog]

It's not fair to think they have it all easy though. My dh suffers terribly by not being with the kids and despite him having what looks like a great expat lifestyle with driver and housekeeper and so on.I think I have the better deal.

Mine has been away since youngest was 8 months but i find it much easier now they are 8 and 5.

[foxinsocks]

I completely agree moondog. I think it's too easy to think they are having a great time when, more often than not, they are missing the kids/you just as much. Constant travelling gets v tedious imo.

That's why it's so important to speak to dh about it. If he's not missing you all, well then that's another thing all together.

[moondog]

My dh inisists on long chats on Skype every night. It's a bit annoying tbh when I get in from work frazzled with 2 kids and a tonne of stuff to sort out but it would be more worrying if he didn't.

[hatwoman]

I haven't read the full thread (in a bit of a rush) so forgive me if this has already been suggested. can he reduce his hours? I am guessing that the money is pretty good - and combined with you as a lawyer, and combined with what you said, I would have thought that taking a cut in family income in exchange for more time together would be well worth while. I know men who've done this - including dh - not in the airline industry but in another one where p-t working and "family friendly" practices simply don;t exist. but dh asked. and got. could your dh start making enquiries? I also know (female) air stewards who've done it. I know it's still not "regular" and the hours make planning difficult but less hours in total would help.

[TheDuchessOfNorksBride]

I'm dashing through so this will be short.

First and foremost, could he switch to short-haul? My friends DH did this at around the time his DDs reached 2 & 3 years of age. He is rarely away for more than 2 days on the trot and is home on standby quite a lot. When he is around, they go out together, he does school run, cooks dinner, takes girls to library and all that jazz.

Another friends DH quit the army (helicopters but also had pilot licence) and chose a private airline over commercial. He now flies tiny planes of VIPs around this end of Europe. He gets a shocking amount of time off.

Otherwise, what FIS says.

[wonderingwondering]

It is so true that the work (and pressure to 'provide') is hard for men, too. DH hates being away, and really feels the time away from the children.

It is difficult to step off the career path - I did it, but my salary now is a fraction of what it would have been. And DH and I worked hard to get the careers we've got, so giving it up completely isn't really going to make us that happy.

We focus on making the best of the time we have. But it is tiring. Before we had children and the work pressure, I never really understood what people meant when they said you had to work at a marriage - I do now. That's why I reduced my hours: so I have time to 'manage' our family life and relationship.

It is still hard at times. But overall it works better now than it did in the past - we reached a very low point, and worked out how to make it better. You must talk about it, but not when you are cross and tired, you really need to approach it in a constructive manner.

Not everyone in a law firm/the forces/airline industry ends up divorced - you can make it work.

[hatwoman]

just come back to this and see that people who know more about airlines than me have already made the same suggestion.

[movingnow]

I agree with Moondog about skype. DH spent last 18 moths working 6 weeks on/2 weeks off in a country where skype was not an option. We relied on email and got by. He has just started another contract (in a different country) with a similar work/leave rotation but much better internet access, I can't begin to describe the difference skype has made.....DH can now "discipline" DS(7) via skype by giving him the "look"!
I don't particularly enjoy the separation but to be honest I feel we can cope. I know that DH does'nt fine it easy, he's certainly not out on the town each night etc and misses time with DSd

[movingnow]

oooops....loads of typo's!