To wish my alcoholic ex would just sod off for good?

[Snorbs]

My alcoholic ex bounces from drunk to sober every month or two. When she's sober she sees the DCs once a week (after passing a breathalyser test - this was a Social Services requirement although SS aren't involved any more), and phones them every day. When she's drinking she drops out of contact for days, weeks, sometimes months.

She was supposed to be seeing the DCs today. Last night she phoned up to speak to DCs (after not speaking to them for a week and missing last week's contact day). She promised the kids she'd see them today and acted all appalled when I confirmed with her that she would actually make it. She then tried to argue that she didn't need to have the breath-test any more as there was no way that she would fail it as, of course, she wasn't drinking I reminded her that no breath-test, no contact, and after a bit more histrionics she put the phone down.

This morning she phoned up to say that she not only failed the breath test but was over the drink-drive limit so she wouldn't be seeing the kids. So my kids are disappointed and fed-up, I've got to change plans to make sure that I can look after them today, and I'm still expecting yet another letter from her solicitor demanding more contact.

She's a pathetic, selfish, tawdry, unreliable, abusive drunk and I am so fucked off that her selfishness is still affecting my children so much and still having such an impact on my life. It's been like this for two years, ever since SS said that my kids should live with me. And yet I still hear the same old excuses, the same lies, the same promises that she hasn't got any capability of keeping, and the same threats and demands from her solicitor.

I wish she'd just sod off and blight someone else's life. The way she drifts in and out of my kids' lives is, I'm sure, doing them more damage than if she just buggered off for good. The uncertainty is really not doing them any favours at all.

So, AIBU in wishing she'd just get lost? I know she's my DC's mum but, honestly, what kind of a parent is it that prefers to get pissed than to see their children?

[Snorbs]

curiositykilled, thanks for that. I can see that your ex's acceptance of his own limitations was of huge importance in being able to make pragmatic plans. As I might've mentioned earlier, if my ex ever reached a similar level of acceptance then I think it would make a similarly big difference for us.

Sadly, though, when she's going through a sober spell she insists she'll never drink again and so won't even consider making plans based on her continuing the sober/drunk cycle. Then as soon as she starts drinking again, she just lies about it, throws accusations around like confetti, tries to threaten and bully me and all the other distasteful nonsense that many addicts do to protect their addiction.

motheroftwoboys, I'll admit that I personally don't buy the "alcoholism is a disease" thing and all that implies. It smells to me of abdication of responsibility. It also implies that alcoholism really is uncontrollable in which case no alcoholic would ever sober up for good. When I went to Al-Anon there were some good debates about this and the room usually ended up fairly evenly split between those who went along with the disease concept of addiction and those who didn't.

I did read the first one of "Getting Them Sober" about four years ago, when I was reading as much as I could about alcoholism and addictions to try to help her. In the end, though, I realised that out of her and me, it was only me who wanted her to sober up for good. She wants to magically regain the ability to drink "normally".

In the end I found Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" to be much more beneficial for me than any number of books about alcoholism. I can't hope to stop my ex being an alcoholic and it's futile for me to try. All I can do is try to minimise the impact her alcoholism has on my life. I'm pretty successful at that, on the whole. The sticking point, of course, comes where her alcoholism continues to affect my children's lives...

beanieb, that's a fair point that has given me pause for thought. Honestly? I reckon there's a better chance of my ex buggering off than of her sobering up.

[curiositykilled]

With my ex we got to a point where he either accepted it or buggered off. He chose to accept it but I was preparing for buggering off just in case.

I think you're right to let her take responsibility for herself. There's only so much you should do to 'help' her - she prob needs to lose everything. If she's more likely to bugger off than give up the drink then I would do something to precipitate that. At least if she buggered off you could support your children to deal with it.

Phone contact could be good as someone else suggested, we did this for a while.

If you could believe the alcoholism as a disease thing it'd probably help your kids. If you don't, you could at least explain what you think about it and what the people who think it is a disease think and see which they decide to believe. I'd put money on the disease thing cos it might help them feel it's not their faults even if they don't believe it forever.

I'd make no allowances for what you think she will do in each situation (pleading that she's sober when she's not) and set things in place to protect your kids from her drinking. I'd make a reasonable plan for contact that is geared around what will make the children happiest and stick with it. If she can't stick with it and she buggers off then she's not well enough to be around and you can resume your lives without her.

If things are really bad don't feel afraid to start with something really small that she can manage and build from there if she does well at each stage. If she can't even do the smallest thing don't be afraid to stop contact and go to mediation if she requests it.

[Snorbs]

curiositykilled, I have talked a lot to my kids about their mum's problems as did the social worker when SS was still involved. What I have tried to stress to them is that her drinking is no reflection on them and it's absolutely not their fault.

Thanks for the suggestions!

[curiositykilled]

snorbs - you sound like a lovely man and father. I really hope it works out in the end.