To want some piece and quiet?!

[feelingsillyandfoolish]

Posted a few weeks ago about teenage sons and today is no better. Sorry to moan but feeling down about it and them

18 year old has his friend round and both are acting like 12 year olds. They've eaten practically a whole loaf of bread and raided the fridge twice and he is showing off in front of his friend being so babyish and irritating. For about the past 15 mins he's been knocking some golf balls together which has been really p*ssing me off!

I got the camera out to video him to show him how annoying it was but he got very cross and called me a bully. He's so much taller than me, he towers over me and ordered i delete it, which i did

Feel totally threatened - he has no respect for me which i'm no doubt is my fault but i just don't know what to do.

I feel i cannot relax when he has friends over and never get any piece and quiet. Am sat here in tears again but feel like i am stuck in this situation with literally no way out

He won't get a job, he's 'getting fit' Nothing seems to work and i feel like his slave most of the time.

The only thing i have done which has worked is got him to wash all his own clothes, apart from that. he'll do nothing, doesn't work, and demands everything.

I'm sure there will be lots of people wanting to tell me what a failure i have been but i already know that and would really like any ideas to get out of this situation.

[TheProvincialLady]

FSAF you asked what you could do if you can't make him sign on. You could stop giving him cash, for a start. What do you think he would do then? I am guessing that he wants money for going out etc.

You sound so down trodden and frightened of your son

[feelingsillyandfoolish]

Am going to see how things go with things. Will keep you updated!

[3littlefrogs]

It sounds as if he needs some help with anger management. Have you talked to your GP?

He should be out looking for work - any work. He can walk or cycle - look on freecycle for a bike. DS1 cycled everywhere on a beat up old bike. He dropped out of school so was told in no uncertain terms that he had to earn his keep. DS1 went through some very difficult times and we went through all the business of drugs, bad behaviour etc. Tough love is the only way.

Do you think drugs might figure somewhere in his inability to control his temper?

[Quattrocento]

Um well it's a start

But I still think you are supporting him in being idle and parasitic. And that's bad. If he were to move out and live on benefits alone - would that not be a strong motivating force for him? So that to get out of poverty and to be able to go to parties and play golf and have a good time, he has to be working?

Fair enough to support a student of course but given that he's doing nothing, why are you encouraging this?

[atworknotworking]

One of my DD friend's gets £30 a week pocketmoney at 9yrs old! this child has very little respect for the value of things or parents and constantly wants more cos it's only 50 100 pounds, sad thing is that the child gets it wonder what this one's like at 18.

My DD gets pocket money for doing little jobs usually about £10 a week which I think is still a lot (I used to get 20p how inflation has changed) but she has respect, understands that things have a value and a work ethic. If you still want to give DS £ why not get him to do some jobs around the house.

[atworknotworking]

Well said Shiney!

Feeling Silly - It's a good start and you should stick to your rules from hear on in, sounds like you have had a hard time of things but I'm glad you are realizing that changes need to be made, I'm not sure why you are giving pocket money though and lifts to party's I don't want to sound disrespectful but at 18 he is an adult and should be getting to his own parties and earning his own pocketmoney and paying board. Is he a student? if so most students have part time jobs and student grants to support themselves, if he hasn't got a job surely he should get down the job centre and sign on do some training or something.

Can you not get dad to back you up on this, surely he doesn't think his behaviour is acceptable?

[oldraver]

I dont understand the pocket money. You should not be giving him money, he should be paying YOU.

[feelingsillyandfoolish]

stuck to*

[feelingsillyandfoolish]

Thanks everyone

TheProvincialLady - I have asked him to sign on so he is bringing in some money and looking for work but he refuses. - I don't think i can make him can i!? (Would love too!)

shineoncrazydiamond - there did used to be lots of boundaries in the house which were stuck too for all DCs, but after some family problems, everything went downhill from there and with 18 year old, his whole personality changed and i got emotionally weak to their demands

[TheProvincialLady]

At 18 I think he needs to either be on benefits and looking for work, or at college. By subsudising his lazy arse, selfish lifestyle you are infantising him. He is 18, not 14. Insist he either goes to college or claims some money to bring into the household in the way of rent. Or life will start to get very grim and futureless for you all.

[Ineedmorechocolatenow]

That sounds good FSAF. What did you tell him the consequences would be if he didn't stick to the rules, other than withdrawal of privileges?

Has he left school / college this year?

When I was teaching, I dealt with kids like your DS a lot. They need consistent boundaries.

Good luck.

[feelingsillyandfoolish]

thanks everyone.

Talked to him and gave him 4 rules that have to be followed: (Same for his brother)

1. Mutal respect - he treats me with respect and i'll do the same

1. He is not to think with his fists and is not allowed to hit, poke etc anyone including me and his brother

1. I will not be treated like a slave (Have told him i'll say no when he asks me for things)

1. He's got to 'earn' the right for certain privlages through helping in the house e.g. doing the dishwasher, hoovering, keeping his room tody etc. He will then get his rewards

e.g. lifts to parties, collection from parties, lifts to golf etc etc, pockey money etc.

How do you think that sounds? I know he's going to test me big time, i always give in so easily to his demands i need to be strong. Any tips?

[forehead]

OP kick him out . It is called tough love.

[readyfornumber2and3]

I have no experience of parenting teenagers but your son sounds very much like my brother at that age.

He used to do what he wanted when he wanted and refused to show any respect for my parents, he also had a terrible temper and the final straw for my parents was when he trashed his bedroom and put a massive dent in my dads car because he got told no over something!!

They called the police and he was given a warning (they didnt want him arrested) and then they kicked him out (he was also 18)
It took him a few years to properly sort himself out (mainly due to bad girlfriend choices)
He is now 30, has a lovely girlfriend who he lives with and has a very respectable and high paid job that he has worked very hard to get.
He also has the utmost respect for my parents and has thanked them many times for throwing him out and making him realise his mistakes.

Just because you dont have him living with you doesnt mean you have to turn your back on him, and you will end up doing him bigger favours by helping him grow up than letting him make your life a misery and not achieving anything in life.

I understand its a difficult decision to make and you are worried about the fall out but do you really want this kind of life for yourself and your sons?

((((hugs)))) and hope you can get it sorted x

[Quattrocento]

Hang on FSAF - you are enabling this situation and allowing it to continue - you recognise that - but you do not seem prepared to take any steps to stop it?

You do not and should not put up with being hit. Don't think it's good for your younger DS to be in a violent environment either. No-one thinks with their fists - what a saying - it almost tries to excuse the inexcusable. They HIT with their fists. First they hit you, then, because they've learned it's acceptable, they start hitting other people. You need to stop this stuff before someone gets really hurt.

[hercules1]

I would get help. Honestly. He is old enough to look after himself and you need to be safe in your own home. I would report him to the police. HArd I know but hopefully in the end he will understand why. IS there anyway you can suggset he gets help for his temper?

[feelingsillyandfoolish]

His dad refuses to be involved in anything negative and i know he wouldn't support me.

There's not a 100% guarentee he would hit me but he does think with his fists before anything else and lashes out very easily
I don't want to kick him out as i'd feel too guilty, and certainly don't want to report him to the police as he'd never forgive me


Maybe i need to just change the way i react to his behaviour and be firm.

[Morloth]

If you continue allowing him to treat you this way you are condoning his behaviour.

You can't change his behaviour but you can change how you react to/tolerate it.

[feelingsillyandfoolish]

shineoncrazydiamond, his dad is around but he doesn't get on with him (neither do i much of the time).

And if i'd said to him i wouldn't delete it, am sure he would have hit me. He's done it before, he's got a terrible temper some of the time. (Feel like i'm betraying him by saying that but sadly, it's true )

I never hit him and never have, so why he feels the need to hit people (Including his brother - saddens me