..to wonder why some people bother to have children?

[Tryharder]

I was in a shop yesterday with my DCs and noticed a pram parked in the middle of the shop. The baby in the pram started to cry and from the "wah - wah" noise, you could tell that it was a newborn. The shop was a charity shop and so full of old ladies who promptly started to coo over the baby and jiggle the pram to try and calm the baby. The baby however, got more and more distressed to the point where I started feeling really uncomfortable.

After about 5 minutes of screaming, one of the old ladies called over to a woman who was browsing on the other side of the shop and said something about the baby wanting something or other. The woman looked really angry and said "for God's sake, he's crying, he cries all the time, so what?" By this time, I had gone over to the baby - he could only have been about 2 - 3 weeks old and there was a bottle of formula propped up against him and a load of sick coming out of his mouth. I said to the woman (really politely), "oh excuse me, your baby's been sick". She just tutted and ignored me and carried on rifling through the clothes. I then said "do you want me to hold him while you carry on with your shopping?" By this time, the baby's screaming was enough to break the shop windows. She said "no, he's crying, that's what babies do. Cry." After a bit, she left the shop with the pram and we were all just stood there a bit taken aback.

Anyway, I felt so bad for this baby - he was clearly uncomfortable/in distress and she so clearly didnt give a shit. I'm not judging her for having a baby that's cried in a public place - we've all been there - but to be totally unconcerned that your baby is in distress was awful.

This really upset me and upset DS1 as well. We were sorting out some old baby clothes last night and he asked me if we could give some of the old clothes to the baby in the shop.

I just couldn't understand this women's attitude - if you really cannot be arsed to look after a baby and are blatantly so unconcerned for it's happiness, then why have it in the first place?

So AIBU?

[Sorrento]

Ha ha I was just going to write I'd have picked him up and gone over to her and handed him to her if he'd been sick.
But of course then I'd have probably been arrested

I saw a child in the fruit and veg section of sainsburys with a plastic bag over her head, I screamed, the mother looked pulled the bag off her head and then smacked her legs, you could cry for them really

[kittywise]

I've been where that woman was. I've had 2 babies out of 6 who would not stop screaming. And I've seen people look at me in that " fgs why don't you stop you baby from screaming" look.
Maybe she was a shit mother or maybe she was simply at the end of her tether and just wanted to look through a rack of clothes.

[solidgoldshaggingbunnies]

Threads like this make me wonder about the people who insist that having children is so fulfilling that all women should do it. When not everyone wants to be a parent and some people end up with children they don't want and can;t look after properly because they got nagged out of terminating a PG, for instance.

Mind you, there are other assumptions in the post: for instance, how do you know that the woman was actually the baby's mother, and not someone who had been landed with the baby to look after due to the mother having some emergency, and who didn't know how to cope and wasn't thrilled about it.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Well she's either got hideous PND, or else she's just a mean old cow.

Impossible to know which so I'll reserve judgement on here, but if I'd been in that shop then I would have been a judgey pants right along with you because I know it would have upset me to see such a little baby in distress.

[chocolateismyonlyweakness]

Good point, solidgold. I don't know how to judge ..... agree with other posters, if it is the mother, she may be having a really bad day or is unwell.

Or:

an ex colleague of mine said she believed in 'healthy neglect' and left her babies to cry otherwise you are at their beck and call

[Niecie]

Nothing wrong as such with leaving the baby to cry even if others wouldn't have done it. I am prepared to bet all have us had done it at some point even for a few minutes

However, it is a whole different ball game to leave a newborn with a milk bottle propped up and the child covered in sick.

It the woman wasn't the mother and therefore wasn't suffering from PND then really that is even worse - she won't have the excuse of being tired and hormonal and needs a good judging.

Even if she was the mother and tired and hormonal and suffering from PND she needs to understand that regardless of her difficulties she has a baby that needs the bare minimum of care and that means doing more than ignoring the child when it was in such a state.

So I wouldn't judge her for the crying, or even for the way she talked to those who were concerned but I would judge her for failing to see to her child when he really needed it.

[Confuzzeled]

I'm not defending this woman in any way but as a mother of a dd that vomited non-stop for 6 months I know if they've making a noise they're not choking. Usually when a baby vomits it turns it head to the side, hence the sleeping on the back rule works and babies don't choke unless there's something stopping them from turning the head (like a propped up bottle). Was the bottle propped over the babies mouth at an angle or was it just in the pram next to the baby?

[CatchaStar]

We don't know the whole situation, but it would have upset me to witness as well.

I had bad pnd with dd unitl she was just under a year, but I never neglected her that way. If I needed to clear my head, I'd always make sure she was safe before stepping out of a room. As much as I was driven crazy at times, my instict to look after her properly always came first.

I hope the baby was ok

[Springfleurs]

YANBU it would have really upset me to see and hear that.

However no-one is perfect and I certainly remember some less than good parent moments with small babies. Never propped up a bottle though.

I must say though I did have this thing about my newborns being hungry and scared and I physically couldnt leave them to cry. I felt sick if I couldn't get to them straight away. I too, had PND for about 7 months but I am lucky in that it didn't affect how I responded to my dc. I know it does for some people though.

[AuntieKate]

Doesn't it just go to show how we've all been there? Everyone has an opinion! I hope the Mum finds peace and quiet and the babe grows up happy and healthy. I also think that it is wonderful that in a World where so many are worried about being accused of offences against children so many other mothers felt that it would be ok to offer help - hooray for maternal insticts over political correctness!

[Tryharder]

I wouldn't judge a mother who was administering to an unconsolable baby - picking it up, attempting to bf or whatever - even if the baby still cried - at least she was trying to stop it. DS1 was a cry-ey baby but I used to at least try and comfort him - didn't always work - but I tried. So I sympathise with any mother who has a cry-ey baby who just won't stop. But my point was that this woman just couldn't give a toss about her baby crying and we were all trying to help, not being horrible or judgey or raising our eyebrows.

[bergentulip]

Maybe she's a useless mother, maybe depressed, maybe she had been lovingly doting over the baby for hours and then took 5 mins to look at some clothes.

I could imagine, possibly, no matter how I might feel, angry, depressed, sad, etc.... I might be deliberately difficult and deliberately contrary just to p* off the meddling members of the public sticking their oar in.

Sad to see. It would have upset me to.
But we have no idea what happened ten mins before, or what she did with her baby once out of the shop and away from others' judgement.

[MmeLindt]

YANBU to be upset by this but as others have said, it looks very much like a classic case of PND to me.

I hope that the woman gets some help, for her sake and for her baby.

[Gentle]

I don't like the title you've given this thread at all, TBH. My sympathies with your case evaporated immediately.

Your concern for the baby is fine and not unreasonable, but I have a problem with people judging other parents' suitability to have children on the basis of a moment when they are probably at their lowest ebb.

[Thefearlessfreak]

My first impression on reading the OP was to feel sorry for the mother & to empathise with her.

As others have said, she was probably in baby hell (as I call it) & (rather than leave her baby in the shop & run off screaming) she was trying to have time out. She is right - some babies do just cry all the time & it drives you bonkers.

How do you know it was formula? (not that I could care less but you stating it is formula appeared to be to add more force to your judging her as a bad mother)

YABVU & making a ridiculous presumption from a 5 minute encounter. Of course! She shouldn't be allowed to have a baby!

[steviesgirl]

She could well have had PND. I had it severe and some days I felt so detached to dd. I remember feeling so ill one morning that I stayed in bed and just let her cry I look back and feel really terrible for what I did, but I couldn't help it. I was ill. Sounds like this lady could well be.

PND can affect your bonding and everything. For the first year of dd's life I just did not enjoy her. It felt like I was looking after someone elses child, that's really how I felt

3 years on and she's the joy of my life and I could not contemplate life without her. I'm so relieved I'm over those dark, dark days.

[myredcardigan]

I think you're all being a little harsh on the OP. If you had been there you would probably have judged too.

I had horrible PND with my 2nd and often left her to cry in a very nonchalant way. It was like I could switch off and almost like I didn't care. However, I'd never have left her choking propped against a bottle. In fact despite spending a lot of time 'distancing' myself from her and ignoring her crying, I would have ran to her at the first mention of sick or choking.