To want a bit of time to get over the fact that he left me for someone else?

[MadameOvary]

I dont want to see him, its too upsetting. I need some space to get back to me fgs.
He wanted me to be all civilised about it and continue our arrangement of seeing each other once or twice a week.
He said "You cant stop me seeing my daughter"
I said I didn't want to (and never would btw), and we could arrange something at a contact centre.
He said he wanted nothing to do with contact centres and would be taking advice from a solicitor and going for custody.

FFS nothing like the subtle approach is there?

[pramspotter]

Its a shame that the contact centre thing is not going to work. I can sympathize with how you must feel.

A man who leaves his child's mother for another woman is obviously not capable of loving his child more than he loves his dick IMHO. Therefore he gets immediatly identified as the shit parent in my book.

OW obviously has some kind of hatred thing going on towards the child or else she never would have got involved with OP's partner in the first place. I don't get why these people behave like this and then go on about their "rights" blah blah blah.

He could at least be a little more sensitive and give you time to grieve/adjust before he starts getting all demanding. He is the parent who has proven through his actions that the little one is not his first priority.

I hope he stops being a jerk OP.

[MadameOvary]

mrsjammi thank you.
I am actually texting him at the moment, trying to work something out.
It is amicable so far

[controlfreakythecontrolfreak]

i dont think there is any unwritten rule that he can expect to have overnight contact with dd while she is so small. would not expect a court to order that against your wishes.... so please dont go agreeing that unless you are comfortable with it and think its in dds best interests. has he been v hands on with dds care so far? has been used to feeding her / changing her / putting her down for a nap? all relevant if he wants contact.... depending on his capabilities entirely reasonable to start of with him having her for a few hours and see how it goes. if you cant face dealing with him in your home then handover in neutral place.... town centre / friends house etc. little and often is good place to start. for a 10 mth old frequency more important than duration of each visit.

mrs jammi he may be her dad and the dd has a right to expect contact with her dad.... but overriding principle is her welfare, not his or the mums wants. would many people send their 10 mth old to stay with someone not used to caring for her without accompanying them?? i wouldnt. obviously different if he has been sharing the care etc.

good luck op.

[Surfermum]

Good for you MO. My advice would be to try and keep it as amicable as you can over contact. You really don't want to start getting solicitors and courts involved if you can help it. It's stressful, expensive and very drawn out and a lot of mud can be thrown.

[Tamarto]

"he will never get custody of her, so i wouldnt worry onthat score, but he will, if he goes to court, get contact and overnight visitation, for your own sake, i wouldnt even go down that road"

Really thre court would allow a ten month old BF baby overnight visits against the wishes of the mother?

I doubt that.

OP: If i was asked by a friend to help with something like this i really wouldn't mind. Worth a thought.

[Surfermum]

Controlfreaky, MO has already said he can be completely trusted to be alone with her.

[piratecat]

hiya, i am sorry you are in so much pain. I have been there, and it is very hard to be the grown up, and be 'ok' with seeing them.

I did everything by the book, no question about him coming to see dd when he liked but in hindsight, because i was still so in love with him, i prob let him talk too much to me about the ow. Somehow i just wanted him to see me as fair, and al that crap.

Routine is the key. A handover that is short and sweet. Hard but easier to cope with imo. I still hurt when my ex dh comes over, which tbh isn't oftenthese days.

As for solicitors and custody, they all start spouting the rubbish, form what i have read over the past few yrs on here, and in a few books i got.

Let him say what he wants, he will not get custody!!! He can't have his cake and eat it.

Atm he is living thru his dick and his ego.

[MadameOvary]

He just wants to see for a couple of hours, so that's ok.
He is not hands on really, but he is capable of looking after her as he has older DC's with whom he was active in their upbringing (sorry bad grammar)

As for the OW...I dont know. I dont think she will meet DD.

Can I ask that she doesn't? Or is that something I have no control over?

[MadameOvary]

I am gutted that it has come to this, but I am well out of it.
OW is welcome to him, I am exercising great restraint in not listing all the things I wont miss!
piratecat, I tried too, it was just too hurtful.

[piratecat]

its such hazy ground. of course you can say that you don't want her to. Yet if he has contact outside of your home, he will prob, ignore that. You wil never know.

My ex didn't even tell me he had another woman, and dd met her on several occasions before i was informed, my dd was 3.

Thier ability to move on is incredible, and us as mothers to thier children find it inexplainable. Yet you will always have that special bond with your child, and she will be your joy. Hard to see that now, yet she will.
xxx

[Tamarto]

You said and i quote

"he will never get custody of her, so i wouldnt worry onthat score, but he will, if he goes to court, get contact and overnight visitation, for your own sake, i wouldnt even go down that road"

Clearly not everyone knows how the family court works, which is why i wanted clarification of your post, as actually it did imply that he would get overnight visits.

I was under the impression the OP wanted advice for right now, so stating what could happen a few years down the line without making it clear is scaremongering imo.

[Ivykaty44]

Can I just say,

Let him do the running, I know you want every thing to be amicable and I am not saying don't be air and let him see his child.

BUT let him do the organising and running around and stop you doing it. Stop the texting -it is a really really crap way of communicating - sep for something as important as your dc contact arrangements.

Get him to email, this also gives you space, your mobile bleeping away is not giving you space. Then you can answer the eamil in your own time.

Sit back and tell him then what you think is fair for contact and go ahead with it and establish that contact.

if he doesn't like it - fine let him go down the channels of changing it.
If he doesn't like going to a contact center fine he doesn't have to turn up - that is his choice not yours, if you want to do contact through a center then go for it.

The reason he doesn't want to use a center - he cant mess you about or visit - he doesn't want someone else envolved with the process of him seeing his dc as it stops his control over you - yes really. ( just looked up at the thread - oh so he is controlling , how did I guess)

He thinks he can just carryu on his own sweet way and if I was you with a hand ful of hindsight I would get the contact center sorted. It will put up a hugh brick wall between you and him and get things sorted from the start, that he is no longer in control anymore.