thinking that dh is just using his epilepsy as an excuse not do things/get his own way?

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

i.e. bathing the children, fair enough dd2 when he is on his own in the house i can understand that. but when i am downstairs wheres the problem? i would hear him fitting and know there was something wrong.

or when dd1 is in the bath also. whats wrong with that? she is a very intelligent 4.9 year old who knows that if daddy baths them and gets poorly she has to take the plug out of the bath and 'cuddle' dd2.

he has to be fed regularly and this has to be by me or he may have a fit and it will be my fault . he has to sleep ofen despite things needing doing he has the perfect excuse to lie in bed half the day on his days off.

and guess what? when things do need doing he 'feels funny' and has to lay on the couch. watching me clean up.

he is now shouting and balling downstairs because dd2 hasnt had a bath since sunday and i have said im not bathing her tonight because i feel really ill and am just waiting to go bed.

apparently i am dragging his children up and making them scruffy. i need to 'get my head sorted out' and be a proper mother.

AIBU to think that if he feels this strongly he can do it his bloody self. what does he think id just listen to him fitting from downstairs and not bother going to see to dd2?

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

lol dittany. he wasnt allowed to use the oven untill after his 19th birthday, he wasnt allowed to use the washer, he had to bath with the door open and his mum basically did everything for him.

the cooker and bath were because of his epilepsy. she would get up early to make sure he ate his breakfast too and would go and get all his medication for him and ensure he took it on time. i wont do that. if he doesnt take his tablets then sorry but thats his problem. the same goes for feeding himself.

we have been together four years now though so he knows what i expect of him. though to be fair in that time he has learned how to use the washer and iron.

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

flowerybeanbag the problem is his nephew is very very ill so we cant really do much to sort it out. dh is worried sick about him.

he is going to see gp soon to organise counselling.

[flowerybeanbag]

Sorry to hear about his nephew. That's great that he is going to see his GP about counselling though, I'm sure that will be a big help.

Sounds as though dittany hit the nail on the head as well!

[Bowddee]

I have epilepsy.

If your DH is only having one minor fit a year he is talking bollocks.

[cory]

It sounds as if his family have done him no favours. Looking at it from his point of view, by constantly waiting on him and fussing over him, his Mum has managed to leave him with the firm message that he cannot deal with his condition on his own: no wonder the poor bloke is scared!

I think he ought to have counselling from a specialist with experience of this type of disability. There must be lots of other people in this situation. It is probably too late to just tell him to snap out of it, he's got genuine anxiety problems. Not taking his medicine also sounds (paradoxically) as if he is scared of the condition.

Take him to see his GP and ask for a referral.

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

yes you are right ndth. we go through good phases and bad phases. eventually ill lose it and go off on one and things will change for a while. he will slowly slip back to the way things were and the process repeats.

he is not normallly ever as bad as he is now. this atm is because he is genuinely worried sick for his nephew. he is also worried because the money we were using to finish the house is in investment shares.

i do think he behaves this way because his mum has taught him that it is okay to do so and i think the only person who would be willing to talk to him and help me deal with this would be his sister and im reluctant to bother her with this right now.

he has his good points he does try and provide for us as best he can and he supports me with dd1 and her behavior. he takes an interest in her and what she is doing. not so much her dancing but he is interested in her school days.

lol @ providing for me financially. before i got pog with dd2 i was earning a hell of a lot of money. far more than him so financial security was not an issue.

when i first met him he was the ideal man. while i worked he would clean the house, look after dd1, walk the dog and ensure i had a hot coffee and lunch when i came home and he didnt even live with me then. he encouraged me to spend time with dd and bond with her and would take us on days out to make sure we did this.

something has gone very wrong between now and then and other than his nephew i cant work out what it would be.

[georgimama]

Not him again. I thought you had had enough of him the other night and were going to kick him into touch?

Never heard you mention his epilepsy before - considering how much he drinks, is this really a good combo with his medications?

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

yes i did georgiemama but i feel too guilty going off on one with him atm considering all the stress he is under.

i know that gives him no excuse to tak it out on me.

he is okay to drink on his tablets but not to get drunk iyswim? his doc says as long as he sticks to the unit guidelines he is okay. thing is he doesnt stick to the unit guidelines. but he doesnt get drunk an awfull lot either. i would say that sundays and wednesdays are the only days he drinks a lot and even then only to the point where he is tipsy other than drunk.

[georgimama]

Still sounds to me like the epilepsy is being used as an excuse by him (along with nephew's illness) to behave like a twat. Don't you think you deserve better than this? I think you do and I don't even know you.

[lou33]

the only thing i have to be careful about is getting overtired

lack of sleep is a trigger for me, and i dont want to lose my driving licence

i wonder how he would cope if he were a single parent?

he is using it as an excuse

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

thats what my mum keeps saying to me ndth, she knows me and keeps telling me its only matter of time before i get fed up and leave him. and then she will get her daughter back she says.

im not sure he is intelligent enough to do that though. put on an act to 'get me' i mean.

though he does always have excuses. things will be better when move apparently. and when i get a job.

he has never hit me though and i can confidently say that he never would. but he can be verballly abusive, im never sure if he means what he is saying.

and there are still times now where he will get up and help and make an effort. i.e. when i had my friends daughter sleeping over i nearly had a heart attack when i woke up and they were gone. it hadnt occured to me dh had taken them out he said i looked tired so he left me in bed and took them all out. he will leave bottles of my favourite wine in the fridge for me and buy me little teddies. or surprise dd1 with a new hairband or something.

[georgimama]

Well, that's sweet (kind of), but more use to you than teddies would be if he bathed the kids, or cooked dinner.

[poissonfou]

i'm in a similar position with epilepsy as your dh...i would agree with above poster,it seems he's using his illness to his convenience and masking the real problem
i could sit on my arse all day and wait for something bad to happen or i could take care of myself (plus 3 dc)-be aware of what triggers a seizure(drinking is a big no no) and get on with it-this is what i choose to do-good luck

[callmemitey]

My Sister has Epilepsy. She has 2 young boys. Pre the Boys she went through a period of depression partly due to the type of medication she was on at the time. Partly because she was a bit "lost" in her condition. Now she has retrained and works in a very stressful job, she takes every pill on the dot and the boys both know how to call 999. Her youngest is just 5.

You may want to consider that as an explanation.

However there is a part of me that thinks he is playing it up but I would not like to judge without knowing the whole situation.

[SalLikesCoffee]

I have mild epilepsy too, and agree 100% with flowerybeanbag's first post.

With such mild epilepsy as you dh's, there is no reason on earth why he can't lead a perfectly normal life. Only thing that I won't do is get in the bath with my ds when I'm alone (I know the risk is tiny, but still), and my dh is brilliant in helping me with night feeds.

I was diagnosed as a teenager, and my parents made a big point of it being normal, so I did all the normal school sports, trips away, the lot.

I don't know how you can get this in his head, but it is insulting to people with actual difficulty to do their day-to-day tasks when he pretends to be a baby like this. Sorry, a bit rude perhaps, but he's really talking rubbish.

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

sal i can understand him not wanting to bath dd2 when he is completely home alone but i dont see why it is a problem when i am in the house or when dd is in the bath with her.

he is back to being nice now. he has just came back from the pub with cider to make me feel better but yum and asked if i want him to walk to the pizza shop.

his mum really babied him both before and after though i suspect she was worse after. especially after she lost dh's dad as he was the one who would tell her to back off and let him look after himself by all accounts. i think that is what the problem is.

[2shoes]

yanbu
dh has epilepsy, we also have a dd with cp. she has epilepsy as well. he would never do the things you describe.
with most epilepsy keeping busy is the best way to stop fits.

[lou33]

drinking alcohol with some anti convulsants can increase your seizure risk up to 50 times

[SalLikesCoffee]

SSSBTS, I think you're being extremely understanding.

When he has seizures, does he have a "warning" or aura before? Every single time I've had a seizure, I felt extremely tired and nauseous they day before. (Almost a hangover kind of feeling.) If he has some warning like this, there is no reason why he can't bath them the rest of the time, but maybe in less water, even when alone. E.g. my dh away on business at moment, and I bath ds, but I won't be in the bath with him, so that at least it's done quickly and it's easy to get him out if I start feeling funny for any reason.

Over protective parents can do so much damage. But I suspect not all of this is his mom's fault, he obviously doesn't feel incapable of walking to the pub, so there he just likes the excuse when he says he has to be looked after.

As an after note - yes, technically you can drink, but nothing in your day-to-day life makes you more tired than alcohol with medication. So if he's worried about tiredness, there's an easy answer.