To refuse to look after the kids so thst DH can work on a Sunday?

[shootfromthehip]

My DH has a good job and as he has been promoted, he works more and more. He commutes to work and works on the train there and back. How comes home after the kids have gone to bed, leaves in the morning having seen then for half an hour over the breakfast table.

When he comes home at night he has his dinner and then gets his laptop out. He works until 11pm + every night except Fri and Sat. His contribution around the house is non existant and recently he has been insisting that he gets time at the weekends to work. This weekend I took the kids to a party on sat afternoon leaving him to suit himself and he then told me he was going to work all Sun.

I said 'No'. A couple of weekends ago I took the kids all day Sun to allow him to work but I'm determined to ensure that this doesn't become a habit. We live miles away from my friends and family and I don't drive so I can't just skip off out with DC. I am a SAHM and rarely get any time off or away from the kids and our family activities are usually dictated by DH.

I know that there will be worse situations out there and I will tell you honestly that I am not looking for lectures about how lucky I am- it's subjective. I would appreciate advise about how to handle this as yesterday was a horrid day in our house for me, DH and DC as DH went in a huff because he couldn't work. I know the guy is snowed under but there is an element of control here- he won't delegate. Any tips please because I just want to bury him under the patio at the mo. lol

[geordieminx]

bump to get rid of troll

[2shoes]

no idea but your question is much more important tha the twats

[Thankyouandgoodnight]

Oh dear - he sounds a bit like my DH......it's very difficult.

If he won't listen to you, would he read an email and 'hear' you that way better?

Points that spring to mind are:
You aren't the unpaid childcarer and that the default is that you both do weekends together and he needs to seriously beg and justify etc if he's going to cancel any of his duties as a parent at weekends and evenings. And, he shouldn't assume that you will do it - he has to be prepared to pay for outside help to cover those extra hours as you are a human being who needs a reasonable amount of time to catch up on things yourself. (Is he tretaing you like his mother? i.e. you are always there to provide etc). You are running the home and looking after the children where really the children are shared evenings and weekends and the home stuff should be fully split 50:50.

My first husband was a workaholic - I let it go so far that it ended in divorce.

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[MsHighwater]

During his first marriage, my dh worked stupidly long hours. He now realises how much of his dd's childhood he missed out on. He has learned from that mistake this time round.

[shootfromthehip]

DH wanted to clear the air last night and confessed that while he feels like he can do his job and isn't trying to prove anything but also admitted to having palpitations and chronic anxiety about his work. Duh- (obviously I didn't SAY that but really?) cause and effect?

He genuinely believes that all jobs are like this and thinks that everyone works like this. I know that this is a 'peak' but don't really think that there will be a 'trough'.

Previously he has had several bad bosses who have held redundancy over him to get unrealistic amounts of work done in ridiculous timeframes. He is really conscientious and will stay up half the night to get it done. He also did his current job as well as his previous job concurrently and unpaid for 6mths. Yes the man did 2 jobs for 6mths. He asked me to bear with him then until he actually got the promotion- which he obviously did but the work load has not decreased. His department is even busier than before and he is up to his neck. I really do have sympathy for his situation but selfishly I am utterly strung out as I have to carry more and more of the respnsiblity in the home.

I was also utterly furious last night when he told me about his health concerns. FFS how am I supposed to get through to him if even his own health being crap is not enough to scare him?

Also, and this really got my goat, he asked ME to give HIM a neck massage last night- he's lucky I never gave him a kick in the nuts!

Any psychologists/ amatueur life coaches out there want to give this a go? Suggestions welcome x

[Bramshott]

Can you take the time on holiday to talk to him about practical ways to manage this? My DH is not nearly so bad, but does work very hard and very long hours. When we were all lovely and relaxed on holiday last week, we had a little chat about how working as much as he had been before we went away was not sustainable, and how if he wanted to look for another job, I would be supportive of that, or if not, then he needed to talk to his bosses about getting more help and resources to make his workload more manageable.

[Sonnet]

No direct help I'm afraid, but, I thought that Lady Muck's post of 20.44 yesterday was very helpful. Deff the way I would go...

[shootfromthehip]

Yeah the new job is something that we might need to consider if this is to move forward but to be honest, I think he would do this in any role, new or not. He just keeps pushing forwards. We had a slightly lessened version of this last year and when we went away he was really keen to make promises about easing off work wise. However, when he came back to reality he threw himself back in to things. I feel like he doesn't want to hear it/ placates/ patronises me and will ultimately keep working.

I think that I'm pissed off because I'm not able to make the changes myself (short of going in to his office like Lara Croft- what fun). I just need to unravel what it is in him that needs the reassurance that he gets from work. I was also interested to hear from him last night that he had got the best feedback as a manager in his division. I think it's more important to him that he is a considerate boss (eg doesn't hand over too much work and make his employees feel under too much pressure) than a considerate husband/ father. What does that say about our relationship?

Another major issue is that I am angry with him. My Dad died last Oct after a prolonged illness which was not unexpected but still happened very suddenly. DH took 5 days off and then went back to working the same hours as before. I am from a small family and they all fell apart (particularly my Mum who handled everything and everyone very badly) at my Dad's death, leaving me to grieve on my own, look after the kids and run our home. I am resentful and hurt that his job has come before me, particularly at such a devastating time. I feel really let down.

[KateF]

I think the OP and I have the same husband! It is very tough to be married to a workaholic and I have been very unhappy at times, to the point of considering leaving. Having read many, many threads on Mumsnet I made the choice to stay but not to be ground down by it. I essentially operate as a single parent but without the financial worries and try not to allow resentment to spoil my life. If things get too out of hand such as when we were on holiday and dh was taking too many work calls I will say something but otherwise I just let him get on with it. I really hope you can find a solution-I know how miserable you must be.
Oh and do learn to drive-if I couldn't I would not be able to cope.

[colette]

Sorry to hear about your dad . Your resentment towards him because of his lack of support has probably driven a wedge between you. My dh worked really long hours (sometimes still does ) it was especially bad when dd was a baby and ill. My dbil once said to me 2 he is not seeing dcs grow up2 which I found hurtful and not entirely fair. But I did mention the comment and I really think it had a profound effect.
I think if you can make some small changes to help build your confidence it would help you feel better and stronger. It sounds like he is a workaholic . sorry will look at this later kids off school and squabbling

[colette]

Betterouts advice is great

[colette]

Just read about him asking you for a neck massage . He is admitting how stressed he is, this is a good thing imo, also it can lead to the discussion - "is your job really worth the effect it is having on both of us and the children?"