genuine question about the naughty step/time out

[lucyellensmum]

OK - so it works? I guess it does because everyone seems to be doing it but i honestly don't get it. So its my perception that im questioning here instead of the concept itself. I don't disagree or agree with the naughty step, im genuinely interested.

Firstly, does a young child really understand this? If you stick a small toddler on the naughty step - do they REALLY understand why they are there? As in, do they spend that time reflecting and then behave better, or do they just sit there because angry mummy put them there so best they stay there - their little minds start to wander and they forget about being naughty/having the tantrum. (OK so that works but is that what the baby bible bashers want us to believe?)

Secondly: A tantruming, possibly older toddler, are they actually going to stay there? Seriously, if the child is being that bad, they are going to just keep getting off the step, no reflection in that - i guess if they sit compliantly on the step then i wonder if it is a game to them?

I have used the naughty step with DD, at first it sort of worked, but it genuinely upset her or she got bored and wandered off. I don't bother now.

I tend to parent instinctively and dont really use any techniques - i would say my DD is slightly spoilt (thats partly DPs fault and partly mine for different reasons), but generally a well behaved little girl.

Enlighten me?

[bubblagirl]

my ds understaning was way above age at this stage but his expressing was not there at all he was able to do taks for 3 yr olds at this age and work the computer

[bubblagirl]

due to lack of speech obsessions with numbers and letters and his ability to solve tasks that were set also his behaviour was observed for a yr wasnt set in stone until he was 3

but was having help with suspected from 2

[sugarpeas]

how did you get a diagnosis so early?

[bubblagirl]

must add my ds has asd so structure is important and helped him define what was bad behaviour and good

so now he knows he didnt like it so stops and does as i ask his very calm now and helpful

[bubblagirl]

i put my ds in time out from 2 he understood why he was there etc

but wouldnt use the word naughty it was just to stop his bad behaviour i would say because you hit me or whatever only if he was uncalmable or badly behaved not for silly things

to be honest by 2 half he was never in it maybe once every 2 weeks he had his warning and stopped straight away

if he is naughty i do say if you dont stop whatever it is his doing you'll go in time out and he'll usually stop if not i follow through and he'll go

guaranteed he dont like it and wont go back his 3.2 now and to be honest has been on once in last 6 mths as he knows i'll do it so he stops

it doesnt work for every one but it seemed to be the structure my ds needed

[sugarpeas]

I think a lot of toddlers under 2.6 don't get the idea of it tbh. My ds is 2.1 and i know he wouldn't. Most 2.6 year olds i know would probably have the understanding though for it to work.

[ajm200]

I put our toddler in his cot when he tantrums and leave him there for 2 mins. It does seem to work a the rate of tantrums has really diminished lately. He only tends to tantrum when his dad is away or he is teething.

I use timeout for two reasons, he headbuts the floor so being on his mattress and headbutting he'll do less harm

It gives me a chance to take a deep breath and calm myself. Not too important with the first few hissy fits of the day but vital by mid afternoon.

[Othersideofthechannel]

However when DS is getting a bit unruly we often suggest he goes to his room to calm down and he quite often agrees it would be a good idea. A sort of voluntary time it which is really effective.

[Othersideofthechannel]

Between 2 and 2.5.
Yes, he kept getting off the step. I was stay at home mum with 2 under 3 so gave up because I couldn't enforce it when BF. I'm glad I didn't bother because from what I've seen from friends who have used it successfully, it doesn't particularly seem to act as a deterrent.

[nappyaddict]

how old was he when you tried? was it cos he kept getting off the step?

[Othersideofthechannel]

Didn't work for us when we tried (twice). DS thought it was fun and games.

[VampireSlayer]

I have spoken to police officers who arrest incredulous youths, who cannot quite believe that if they don't comply with what they have been asked to do, compliance may be forced upon them.

I have spoken to youth offending workers and probation officers who have stated that most of their clients have a and you can't stop me attitude, and an argumentative contempt for authority.

And I have decided I'd rather be horribly unfair and didactorial, ignore Alfie Kohn completely and do my level best to make sure my boys don't grow up to be law breakers.

Just to clarify, Alife Kohn does not suggest a you can't stop me attitude or a contempt for authority,

[goodasgold]

I prefer just to teach by example.

I try to be respectful to them.

[tweeni]

I think it only works with younger children say between 2.5 and 4. depends on the child but younger than 2.5 and they don't really get it.

[kiskidee]

"I could rattle on about "Expensive, makes mummy sad, not nice to break people's things, how would you like it if someone broke your things?""

See, I wouldn't advocate this approach either. It is as useless, IME, as the naughty step.

Keep it simple like: 'Don't touch, it is mummy's'. If they attempt to reach for it again, repeat. Do not repeat ad nauseum. If it looks like it will become a game, move the kid, not the object as they have to learn to respect things where ever they are, who so ever it belongs to.

Sometimes they kick off. If they do, could it be another reason, hunger, boredom, tiredness. Sometimes the trigger is not related to the issue at hand.

[Pitchounette]

Message withdrawn

[Gateau]

What's wrong with kids being sent to their room nowadays? Or is that going to have some sort of longlasting, damaging effect on them, like everything else seems to have these days?
I used to be sent to mine and I HATED it, seeing it as the worst punishment. Of course I didn't have a tv and dvd player, playstation, computer, blah blah blah...

[ThatBigGermanPrison]

Ok I see your point, and you seem to take the same sort of approach I do - ds1 was abominably behaved in town yesterday - he has lost the privilige of taking his scooter out when we go out because I can't trust him to do what I need him to do (stop when told to, come back whe told to)

[VictorianSqualor]

Prime example, DD has been told time and time again about keeping her room tidy.
I have tried helping by giving her a list of what she needs to check, she has been given extra storage, warnings, help etc.

I haver just been upstairs and she has lied to me three times this morning about it being tidy, outright lies, not just things she hasn't seen or aren't up to standard.

What would be the point in putting her on the step? Instead I have now swapped her and DS's rooms round. She has lost the privilege of the the large room and bunkbeds.

[rebelmum1]

I have got a reward chart, but didn't have a negative on there just stars haven't thought about the sad happy face idea, might be more effective, I was just using plain bribery.

[snowleopard]

Never done it - just instinctively feel that DS would not see it as undesirable and wouldn't care. At the height of his toddler tantrum phase we would take him for time out with one of us, to an empty/quite dark room and sit quietly, and he would be bored and want to get out so he'd have to calm down (though it could take a while).

I think the naughty step is a bit mystifying for some children and I don't like the way it's not connected to what they've done. Now he's older (3) I try to make consequences for DS linked to what he's done, eg if he torments the cat he has to come and stroke her nicely and say sorry, if he throws food he has to help to clear it up etc. Usually has a similar calming-down effect too.

[DaphneMoon]

I think a good/naughty chart works best. At least then when they are actually good you can reward them. We have never used the naughty step for my DS and now that he is 8 it would never work, he would just stomp off! However, to get a sad face on a chart seems to really hit home. All children like praise and would much rather see happy faces on a chart for being good.

[rebelmum1]

I agree that it can be just easier to remove tempting items, especially if you are getting no where.

[rebelmum1]

ha ha my dd is never fearful of misbehaving, i hardly think a naugty step strikes fear into children, quite the opposite for us it was just amusement for her.

[VictorianSqualor]

I would say put your make-up elsewhere until they were old enough to consider how they would feel if you had ruined something of theirs, probably with removal of one of their favourite toys/books etc.
If they make a mess with something, they clean it, if they break something of yours, something of theirs is removed, I just can't see how sitting a child on a step for however many minutes relates to wrecking make-up.
I'm not against punishment for bad behaviour, just think there are better ways to teach a child that what they are doing is wrong, rather than making them fearful of misbehaving iyswim.