To not know what rejection sensitive dysphoria looks like?!

[FukOffFibro]

I’m really struggling with my DD 13 years old.
She has ASD / ARFID but I’m worried there is something else that’s been missed up until now.
Literally everything I say is wrong, a criticism of her, a way of trying to change her, any positive has a negative quickly spun on it by her.
she seems to hate me but needs me to do kits for her so it’s impossible to try and create any distance between us when she’s hurting my feelings with her continual comments about my failures in life and as a mother.

I go from feeling resentful that I’ve literally given up everything to be what she needs in a mum so I’m around for all she needs and every day she’s too anxious to attend school etc to really sad that she seems to dislike me so much when I love her and wouldn’t change her for the world - I just want her to be a bit happier as she seems so moody the entire time.

I wish I could say it’s hormones and whilst it’s definitely got worse over the past year, this has probably been going on now at least 3 years.

She refuses therapy of any kind - will literally just sit in silence.

im at a real loss 😢

I think these things you've described are just her being a teenager, to be honest.

Teens with ASD and ARFID are still prone to behaving like other, nowty teenagers!

@VickyEadieofThigh please don't minimise this as just normal teenage behaviour. It clearly goes way beyond that.
I'm sorry op, I don't have any advice, my kids aren't at that age yet. But I do have a younger autistic son and the criticism and grumpiness is hard to take, when like you, I spend so much time and energy on them because they can't cope with school. I hope someone with more wisdom and experience can help.
There is a Facebook group called autism inclusivity run by autistic adults to educate and help parents. I am slightly hesitant to actually recommend it though as they can be a bit militant... but there is sone good advice amongst the righteous indignation!

Thank you

I have RSD. It is one of my strongest ADHD symptoms. In fact I wasn't sure about having an ADHD assessment (got sent as both my children have it). I'd never heard of RSD, in my assessment the psychiatrist described RSD and it was like she was describing my life. I was gob smacked. I'll find you a good link to read. BRB

Additude Magazine - RSD article

It feels so real, although a lot.of it is in your head.

I started a new relationship late 2022 and it's taken me probably 15 months to not get raging RSD at the drop of a hat. Perceived or real it hurts. Physically hurts. And you carry that sense of rejection with you for years sometimes.

My DD, who has combined ADHD, has terrible RSD. It's probably the worst part of ADHD. Mix it with teenage hormones, (she's 15), and it's a real recipe for misery. I'm undiagnosed, but suspect I have it too and I've found it incredibly hard my entire life not to take criticism and rejection to heart.

Would it be ok to say to her that
you love her,
do whatever you can for her
AND understand that she doesn’t feel loved and thinks you do a bad job

However, it is not acceptable to be rude, to deliberately insult you and say things deliberately to hurt you.

I mean that’s not about emotions, it’s about courtesy.

RSD is like living with a parrot on your shoulder that constantly tells you that you’re stupid, no one likes you, you just made a fool of yourself, they don’t really like you they’re probably laughing at you…

it robs people of their self worth and passion for life. I don’t have much advice other than to try and help her fight the parrot and drown it out with consistent love and care

I likely have undiagnosed RSD and its awful. Like PP said, it's like a parrot always whispering in your ear that you are and never will be good enough, that you are stupid etc

However, now in my 50s I've come to the realisation that it has deeply affected my ability to make friends. I keep a kind of barrier up as I always assume I am unlikeable and only tolerated at best by other people. I never ever send Facebook riend requests. I couldn't take the rejection of my request being ignored. I have no work colleagues as FB friends as no one has ever sent me one. Though they all seem to be Fb friends eith each other and i know there are various group chats that I'm not in. I feel left out sometimes but my fear of being laughed at, ignored, bitched about when I leave the room is too strong to do anything about it.

I DO think I get on OK with people. I think I Mask, so quite with quiet people, a bit louder with louder people but my self diagnosed RSD has taken over a huge part if my behaviours. It sucks and I really feel for your daughter and for you. Its a difficult behaviour because it comes from a belief, not reality, and changing our beliefs is very very hard.

I’m so sorry for how this has affected you, it is so very debilitating and not many people can understand how deeply ingrained the core beliefs that cause this are. When the trigger comes it’s unavoidable and almost impossible to stop it taking hold.

My adhd daughter has this and yes it’s really tough going as it’s triggered by facial expressions, tone of voice etc….it’s a real shame that your dd has rejected therapy as this really helped us ,perhaps as she gets a little older she may understand herself more or perhaps try a different therapist….what type of therapy has she already done? Have you thought about art psycho therapy or a psychotherapist that uses creative arts? I’m really sensitive myself so I know how hurtful it is when your child says horrible things but it’s really important to step outside of that and realise often they are saying it to the people who they actually do love the most and feel safest with. Try learning mindfulness for yourself ,it does help!

My DD has been diagnosed with this as part of a recent psychological assessment. She's also waiting for an ASD assessment. It's tough- you really can't say anything without it being taken as criticism. It also makes it difficult for her socially as she always assumes that people don't like her. She worries constantly about saying the wrong thing so doesn't really say anything at all when with her peers.

It seems to come from a deep-rooted fear of judgment. Psychologist has recommended CBT, although I've read this isn't always helpful for those with ASD, especially as your DD doesn't want to engage with therapy.

I'm not always the most patient parent but I think as PP said, try to just be supportive and refrain from judgment. I do probably let my DD get away with more because I know her mental health is fragile. One thing that has helped is planning in some things to boost her confidence. Eg, DH took a trip with her to climb a mountain. Also helps if we go out to places not in the local area, as she is more open when she is not likely to see anyone she knows.

Autistic girls network on FB is also a supportive group.

@oohyesido thank you x

Really appreciate all the replies.
Is there an actual assessment for this?
I worry I never actually know what I’m dealing with and then may be getting things wrong.
She won’t entertain the idea of any therapy at all - just sat silent refusing to participate with the therapy following her ASD diagnosis and then wouldn’t speak to me at home for almost 2 weeks because I had humiliated her by taking her to a therapist when there’s nothing wrong with her as the only problem is me 😢

I don’t think there’s a specific assessment for it but I wonder, are you on any ASD specific websites/ groups as not speaking to you for 2 wks is quite extreme for a 13 yr old …..there may be other parents of girls that can advise what has been helpful. Have you heard about low demand parenting ? For my dd with ADHD ,starting periods was the trigger for rapid deterioration in mental health ( which led later to diagnosis) so I do think this can be a very difficult time of life. It’s actually very hard for a young teen to understand and name their own emotions hence why having a therapy where you “ do “ something rather than be expected to talk can be helpful. There is often huge amounts of anxiety under the surface so it’s not surprising that children can be very hard to live with as they are going through a lot every day.

I don't think it is actually a recognised diagnosis yet. I don't think it is in the current DSM so don't imagine there is an assessment. More likely diagnosed on symptoms.

It's not you she's angry with, but as you're her safe and constant person, you're the one it's deflected onto. She's working a lot of stuff out in her head, plus hormones, plus anxiety, plus struggling with demands and it's all too much. Demand as little as possible from her as you can for a while, don't take her jibes at you personally and just stay as constant with you as she can.

The smallest of things can feel like criticism even when they're not.

I should probably point out that my dd wasn't assessed specifically for this. She had a general psychological assessment for anxiety and the psychologist noted sensitivity to rejection as a particular section of the report. So not a proper diagnosis but was specifically referred to as one of her main difficulties.

I'm hoping general therapy will help but who knows.

bit late to the party but im adhd and autistic and have terrible rsd at times, particularly in relationships. both my kids are autistic and my eldest has presentation / behaviour very similar to your daughter op.
like sitting in silence or in bedroom doing nothing for hours and days. and only wanting me to meet their very self centred needs. some of it is teenage, some of it is clearly more than this. i think much of it is unmet need but i am without support from any agency.
its hard work, i totally empathise. it makes me cry sometimes