To go completely NC with family & not feel guilty? Possibly triggering

[Ncforthebest]

Name changed because outing. Sorry for the long post-this could be triggering but need to give context.

Will try and be brief. I had a horrible childhood, which involved abuse on every level by multiple people I should have been able to trust the most.

My mother did very bad things, which directly impacted other members of my family on both sides. She ended up in a relationship with a man who sexually abused two of my family members as children. As a child I was left unsupervised with him. No one intervened.

Because of the history, which is very long and complicated, as a child I carried the guilt of everything that happened and was very much made to feel I was a burden and reminder to everyone of what had happened. Open discussions in front of me about things I was really too little to process, all the while going through horrible abuse myself.

I was a very, very messed up teenager and tried to commit suicide twice and also self harmed. I put myself in incredibly risky situations. I was raped when I was 15 because of this.

I remained in touch with my family, however every time I saw them they would bring up the past and over the years I learned they were well aware of the abuse, and their "hearts were broken" at the time, but did nothing. I feel quite angry about this. I have been directly challenged and blamed for the actions of my mother and compared to her.

In short I have never been allowed to forget I am a product of chaos, trauma and upset to everyone. I have never been "one of them", always an outsider to be tolerated.

I met my now husband fairly young and was still very messed up. We have children and I always vowed they would never know my history or be exposed to anything like what I had.

Over the years, people have died (one person who abused me), or have been completely cut from my life-my choice-I have no contact whatsoever with my abusers, including my mother.

As I have got older though, I have learned more about the extent of just what people knew about and were complicit in it. Things that should have been red flags to get me help ignored. I was told off for being selfish after one suicide attempt, which needed hospital treatment. I was not allowed to speak to the psychiatrist on my own and therefore put on my "everything is fine" mask and pretended I was just stressed at school.

Everytime I have seen my family as an adult, I am always reminded I was a nightmare child (probably true, I was so messed up) and made to talk about the past.

So I made a decision and started to go NC with all of them. I have very minimal contact with 1 or 2 family members. I have been villified for this and told I should call X or Y, or encouraged to visit/do things with the family. I have refused. Every single time in the past that I have, I have to relive the past for their benefit.

My children are teens and I am still happily married. He and they have been my salvation, really. I live my life for them. I adore them. I doubted the kind of mother I could be and have been critical of myself, but I am a good mum and love my children. My husband knows most but not all of what happened. My children know nothing, except when questions have arisen about my mother (whose existence I cannot realistically deny-everyone has a mother!), I have just aaid she is a bad person and not in my life. They have accepted this. I absolutely do not want my children to know anything of my past. In my little family, for the first time in my life, I am normal. I am just me. I am safe. I am happy. I am free.

That is the main reason I have gone NC-because I do not trust my family will not discuss the past openly with them. They don't need to know. I am made to feel guilty for this.

I am sorry for the long post, but needed to give context-my question is AIBU to go completely NC with everyone and not feel guilty/accept persuading tactics to make me have contact with family?

[Iseeaghost]

Of course yanbu. Go and don't give them a second thought.

[CruellaSeville]

First of all, I'm sorry you have been through this OP, you were let down by the very people that should have protected you.

As someone who also experienced childhood trauma, I have found that no matter how much work you do on yourself to improve your health and move on with your life, your family will often stand in the way of that. The reasons why they do this can be multiple, but they're not your responsibility to solve.

I am now very LC with my lot and I imagine will eventually go NC. The reasons for this are that they seem to have an issue with the fact that while I won't ever forgive or forget what they have done, I did not let it define my life. I have found happiness and love outside of them and this seems to bother them. So conversations about the things that happened 25 years ago plus attempts to behave in the same way towards me as they did back then have meant that I have taken a complete step back. I have left them in their misery and dysfunction.

You cannot fix them, and they don't deserve to have your best years when you have worked so hard to create a good life for yourself. Living well is the best revenge.

[VillageTit]

Firstly, it doesn't sound like any of those experiences could even remotely be considered your fault by any reasonable person. It's likely that the people who are suggesting that it's your responsibility in any way or you should feel bad for going low/no contact are affected by their own involvement in the situation and they're not being objectively fair to you.

There's a great thread on here called "but we took you to stately homes" if you haven't seen it, which describes people like that as flying monkeys and lots of advice there about how to deal with them.

I don't have experience of what you've been through. It's awful and must be so deeply traumatising and I'm sorry that it happened to you. But if you're looking for opinions, I think going no contact is a good idea - spend all your mental energy on the lovely family you have built and continue counselling to manage how you feel. It doesn't sound unreasonable to me at all.

[GabriellaMontez]

You've done the right thing for you and your children.

[cerisepanther73]

@Ncforthebest

I would look into starting to have good therapies sessions to start to heal and process what happened to you as a child and teenager in a safe place envoriment,

There's all kinds of therapies out there ,
find out which kinds of therapies resonate with you psyche and emotionally

addressing healing the inner child therapy


Also historical child sexual abuse cases tends to be taking more seriously than used to be years ago,
Since Jimmy Savile scandal etc..

[Ncforthebest]

Thank you for being so kind with your replies and I am so sorry you have been through that @CruellaSeville it is reasuring that someone has taken the same decision and it doesn't mean I am a bad person or selfish. I am struggling because I was conditioned to feel immensely grateful for any tiny act of kindness to me as a child-this is always thrown in my face when the past is brought up; and I am grateful for the small shreds I was thrown. I spent long periods as a child completely alone sat in my bedroom, occasionally wheeled out like an over grateful puppy, only to be let down again and again. Objectively, I was a very obedient child. I didn't misbehave, the consequences were too severe. As a teenager, I was probably harder work. I was messed up.

I cannot understand why any of them would want to be in contact with me any way-their opinion of me is obviously so poor by the way they talk and have treated me. I cannot understand the offence being taken. Why would they want to stay in touch?

@VillageTit Thank you-I will look at the thread. I have never had counselling, I am too ashamed. I don't like to talk about it really and am worried if I go too far into it, it could damage my life now. Its all in a box I try not to open in my head.

[VillageTit]

@Ncforthebest it's ok to make the decisions that are right for you. It's not your responsibility to keep people who hurt you in your life.

About the stately homes thread I mentioned - it's for people who have experienced trauma in their families so if you're worried about "opening the box" I just wanted to warn you about that. :)

Take care x

[Ncforthebest]

Thank you @VillageTit ❤️

[CruellaSeville]

@Ncforthebest you are not being selfish at all, what you are doing is breaking the cycle and ensuring that your children will not be exposed to abusive people. And you are protecting your children's mother from further abuse so she can be at her best.

The reason they want to keep seeing you is actually irrelevant because it's not their decision. You cannot spend your time trying to fathom other people's agendas, so I wouldn't worry about that.

I also spent most of my childhood spent alone in my room dreaming about a different life, and now that I have that different life I will fight tooth and nail to keep it.

Don't spend your precious time trying to analyse them-they will not change and every moment you spend trying to do that is time taken away from your lovely life. DNA doesn't define us, our actions define us.

[Ncforthebest]

Thank you @CruellaSeville my rational self knows this and it would be easy to say to someone else, I suppose I have never fully cut the puppet threads

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

@Ncforthebest

Thank you for being so kind with your replies and I am so sorry you have been through that @CruellaSeville it is reasuring that someone has taken the same decision and it doesn't mean I am a bad person or selfish. I am struggling because I was conditioned to feel immensely grateful for any tiny act of kindness to me as a child-this is always thrown in my face when the past is brought up; and I am grateful for the small shreds I was thrown. I spent long periods as a child completely alone sat in my bedroom, occasionally wheeled out like an over grateful puppy, only to be let down again and again. Objectively, I was a very obedient child. I didn't misbehave, the consequences were too severe. As a teenager, I was probably harder work. I was messed up.

I cannot understand why any of them would want to be in contact with me any way-their opinion of me is obviously so poor by the way they talk and have treated me. I cannot understand the offence being taken. Why would they want to stay in touch?

@VillageTit Thank you-I will look at the thread. I have never had counselling, I am too ashamed. I don't like to talk about it really and am worried if I go too far into it, it could damage my life now. Its all in a box I try not to open in my head.

Counselling is tough and there were sessions where I struggled after, but it was necessary work and it validated my decisions and freed up mental space. Look on the Psychology UK website for counsellors in your area and read their bios for one that resonates with you.

Their job is to create a safe space for you to heal. I found it life changing. I found out who I am, and that their behaviour and treatment of me wasn’t intrinsically woven into my identity. And I learnt to stick up for myself, that I deserve the space I occupy, and have needs and a voice.

I hope that’s OK to share, just related as someone who felt shame to get help in the past. Someone once described me as a broken package of buns on a shelf. Damaged goods.

But it’s their shame not mine.

[NobbyNobbs]

I also spent most of my childhood spent alone in my room dreaming about a different life, and now that I have that different life I will fight tooth and nail to keep it.

This resonates so much. @CruellaSeville thank you for writing it.

The love inside you is immense. You sound an amazing person and crucially, you taking these essential steps of NC have guaranteed that your own DC are protected and have a safe childhood. Going NC is never something that's taken lightly by any of us and from what you have touched upon, I absolutely think that you are doing the right and best thing.

Anyone responsible for, or complicit in the harm of our most vulnerable, don't deserve our love and our time. Cut the threads that still hold you, without guilt.

I understand that concept of the little box in our minds that stays closed. For me, it's opened once and I've shared my background with my closest friends (one drunken weekend away) and it was accepted gently and dealt with at the time - I'm lucky in that my 2 best friends are compassionate women who know that I like to just get on with living and don't probe. Our past doesn't define us but, in an odd sense have taught us how to not be, so breaking the cycle have made us stronger Mums.

[NobbyNobbs]

(The rest of my post was for OP).

[Ncforthebest]

It is so sad to read others understanding the pain on a personal level-I am happy you have found peace and happiness now and sharing your journey is really reassuring and helping feel normal and less guilty about my decision.

I'm not sure I am ready to go down the therapy route. I actually feel panicked about it; my life now is idyllic-better than I ever dreamt I could deserve or achieve- I am terrified of losing this by revisiting things from my past. What if I have a breakdown/can't handle it-I don't want to put my children through it. It does help to sometimes talk in non specific terms though; like the box needs a little pressure release and I can close the lid properly again. I don't know if that makes sense?

Your friends sound like amazing people @NobbyNobbs ❤️

I think part of the NC is being able to re define who I am not based on what happened to me, but who I actually am. My husband and children know the real me and accept me unconditionally. I am incredibly lucky.

[Imgoingtobefree]

I just wanted to say that the reasons why your family keep vilifying you is because if they don’t, then they have to start accepting the blame for what they did.

So it’s easier to keep up the pretence that you were at fault.

Its what they’ve always done, so when you go LC/NC, that is how they will continue to act.

You have done so well to make your own safe family, and you should never feel guilty for protecting your own children.

Childhood abuse can stay with you for life and can become like an internal scarred wound.

I personally recommend counselling, with the right person it can be very healing.

I am having CBT after a long abusive marriage. I see it as my chance to emotionally’dump’ all my anger, anxiety and confusion each week. It then allows me the rest of the week to interact with family and friends without that burden in me.

You may prefer to keep your past in a box for now. I would advise that if those emotions start ‘leaking’ out from the box and hindering your life in the present - that will be the time to look for outside help.

I wish you every happiness for the future - you certainly deserve it.

[Ncforthebest]

Thank you @Imgoingtobefree x

[NobbyNobbs]

@Ncforthebest what you say makes perfect sense - releasing the pressure on that tight lid but otherwise keeping it on (that weekend away with my friends was that release for me and that was 4 years ago).

I also felt that formal therapy (in what ever form that came) was something I wasn't ready for. Busy lives, busy jobs, being emotionally available for my own children, not having enough energy to dedicate to my own healing - I didn't want anything tipping that fine balance. I hear you when you say that you don't want to explore these old thoughts - to me it makes sense.
What would it achieve? It happened, I've dealt with it has an adult by not repeating that cycle of abuse and by, frankly, turning my back on those responsible.

When my DC were young and vulnerable, I took steps to protect my DC should anything happen to me and my DH - should we have died, I ensured that my 'next of kin' wouldn't be allowed custody of my DC - that was my worst nightmare in their younger years. But, I was lucky in that I had an adult Step-Daughter and son-in-law who are loving and unquestioning and would have taken my DC and protected them should I and my DH have died.

Sorry - I am rambling. What I am trying to say is, make sure your DC are protected from these people. What measures have you got in place if the unthinkable happens, to prevent these people from getting custody?

God. I realise I've really wandered off the point of this thread. Sorry @Ncforthebest

[Ncforthebest]

@NobbyNobbs not at all-we sound like we are on the same wavelength because custody of the children weighed heavily on my mind "if the worse happened". It is comprehensively covered in our wills/statement of wishes (I forget what it is called!) however my eldest will turn 18 soon.

I suppose the risky part really is because I have never disclosed what has happened, if I died, there is a small risk these people would try and wheedle their way in to my children's lives with their own narrative. However, my mother in particular, would not be welcome even at my funeral if I die before her. I hope this wish would be respected.

The relief of one dying in my lifetime and therefore knowing they had never even met my children was immense. It felt like a real triumph.

[Iseeaghost]

You're doing the right thing.
I chose no contact with my family. Different situation but relatable conditioning to be grateful for every small thing. I was very compliant and silent as a child and withdrew into a bit of a fantasy world and thankfully, I had a good friend who's family home was safe, loving and fun.

When I was a teenager I, by the outside worlds standards, rebelled and then later developed mental health conditions like anxiety and depression. I then found myself in either codependent orabusive relationships.

It was great for my family because I was able to fulfil a role of being a problem, and have continued to do so, even in the face of success I had a clear message that my success was despite of me being a problem or that I must've had to try really hard. It grinds you down.

What I have learned through years of therapy is that I was in a toxic family system and was allocated a role of scapegoat or identified patient.

An example of this is by the point of being about 18 I was put on medication for anxiety. At any point I showed any distress or frustration I would be told by my mother 'you haven't taken your tablets'

This went on for most of my life.

When I went to therapy the therapist (who cost me a fortune..? Worth every penny!) said she wouldn't work with me while I was on medication and I agreed to stop taking them.

I had EMDR, TRE and IFS therapies, also taking on and off over 5 years.

I wasn't able to clearly identify or name my situation and was living in a fog of interpersonal trauma.

The final step I needed was going no contact. I learned no amount of begging, pleading, writing, explaining, wishing, sharing or anger would ever persuade my family to see things from my point of view.

I will always be the problem. There are a few family members I do experience warmth from but the power holders in our family system always shape the story.

I understand that now, I understand too that they're protecting themselves from being exposed as abusive, neglectful, exploitative. I understand that it's also a form of psychosis in them, a shared belief system that is impenetrable and unshakeable. Almost like flat eathers or people who are so committed to a cause or an ideology that they can't and won't see a different view.
This kind of mentality exists in family systems as well as social systems and being assigned a role in someone's skewed story is very damaging. This dynamic is called 'projective identication'. It's a kind of subconscious grooming of a person to fit the groomers idea of who they are. A damaged abusive or toxic person does this unconsciously and consciously. In your family of origin you will have been subjected to that since you were born. Even before. Crazy right??!

Well done for breaking the cycle. It's the hardest job. Seeing your children grow and become healthy happy adults is precious when you've been in that kind of toxic web.

Two of my go too resources have been

Ingrid Clayton - Believing Me.

And Rebecca C Mandeville - Rejected Shamed and Blamed, Family Scapegoating Abuse

Both have you tube and podcasts.

I found a family of sorts in my community but it's a lonely path. It is however like having the sun come out for the first time!

I truly wish you well. It's an amazing journey and one which becomes evident in how worthwhile it is when you can see your own children thriving.

Congratulations 🎉

[StormingNorman]

Do what brings you peace. One of the things going NC will do is give you distance and space to focus on the beautiful family you created.

You want to put your childhood behind you and your family won’t let you. That in itself sounds totally draining if not re-traumatising.

wishing you peace and happiness x

[MrsO3]

@Ncforthebest Firstly, I am so sorry you had such an awful childhood. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about when it comes to NC. It sounds as though you’ve pushed through your traumas and have built a wonderful loving life with your husband and DC. Protect that and protect your peace and happiness at all costs. Go NC and continue with the life you have now (:

[Ncforthebest]

Thank you for sharing your story and what has helped you @Iseeaghost The part about anxiety tablets really resonated with me, that belittlement and disregard is very familiar. I am so sorry you had to go through it. I can see that the bringing it back up is almost asking me to validate their innocence in the whole thing "she's still your mum." "We tried our best" "our hearts broke for you". Do they want forgiveness? I don't even know anymore. I will have a look at the podcasts-are they broken up into small chunks though before I look?

Like I said I am reluctant to do anything that will jeopardise my family's wellbeing at all and don't want to be overloaded.

Thank you so much @StormingNorman and @MrsO3 for your lovely words x

[StormingNorman]

@Ncforthebest

Thank you for sharing your story and what has helped you @Iseeaghost The part about anxiety tablets really resonated with me, that belittlement and disregard is very familiar. I am so sorry you had to go through it. I can see that the bringing it back up is almost asking me to validate their innocence in the whole thing "she's still your mum." "We tried our best" "our hearts broke for you". Do they want forgiveness? I don't even know anymore. I will have a look at the podcasts-are they broken up into small chunks though before I look?

Like I said I am reluctant to do anything that will jeopardise my family's wellbeing at all and don't want to be overloaded.

Thank you so much @StormingNorman and @MrsO3 for your lovely words x

Thank you ❤️

it’s not your job to normalise their treatment of you and make them feel ok about it. It’s not your job to ease their guilt by forgiving or pretending to forgive them. I know you know that, but you need to know it in your bones.

[NobbyNobbs]

I've dipped in and out of the Stately Homes threads over the last 6 years or so, when I'm in the right place to read it. So much wisdom and support to be had there. I don't always feel able to take it on - emotionally, I reach saturation point and I cannot take anymore in so I've not read it in about 12 months.

Again, the support there and here are a real aspect of my inner fortitude. I hope you find the same

[Iseeaghost]

@Ncforthebest thank you. It's a rough ride but I'm strangely grateful for it.
Yes, all the podcasts are broken into easy to process chunks!

If it helps, my child is well aware of the complications with my family. Not the detail but the dynamics. This was something that I discussed in therapy and he has taken to his therapists.

I have found, and been reassured that since no contact; the stability, happiness and joy in our lives have given him a solid core and safety.

Rather than feeling let down and upset, it's instilled self awareness and attunement to interpersonal health that is beyond his 10 years.

He is able to recognise who feels safe and who doesn't and is very astute. I remember him speaking out at about 8 years old being blown away by his observation and kindness.

Id always been given a message that I was a failure as a parent, that my sister was successful and better. He said 'im worried about my cousin, I think my auntie needs help with her parenting, the atmosphere is stressful, I don't like going there and hearing her shout at my cousin'

A year later I had a NHS children's mental health report stating I was his greatest resource and he was not to have any unsupervised contact with one of our extended family.

He's a gem, is happy and tells me I am a good mom all the time. He's lovely with his pets, polite, kind and really sociable.

He knows I was neglected in childhood and treated unkindly by my family, he'd heard and seen them ! It's not burst any bubble for him to have a narrative, it's given him strength and a sense of gratitude for our little family. Unfortunately he had to know as he'd been subjected to some of the craziness.

Your children will not feel any differently. You've given them love, stability and happiness. I can't imagine them being anything more than full of admiration, love and respect for what you've given them.

We have those comments, 'you only get one mum's was the last one. People scorn at us. I've deleted lots of people from Facebook and I honestly don't care anymore. People don't know what goes on behind closed doors and anyone who participates in speculation or is forming an opinion; in my mind they're part of the brain washing and are have a low level of emotional intelligence. I just small and know my truth.

My son is happy and thriving, that's all that counts.