Adhd - can anyone relate to the self loathing and anxiety?

[LivingOnAPill]

I dont know if people without adhd realise how stressful slacking can be. How your anxiety ramps up as you can see whatever deadline you have is quickly approaching but you are still not able to do whatever it is you have to do.

I have been so so stressed for months. I am close to not coping anymore. I was really looking forward to a bit of a break over Easter but I have now been asked by work for a deliverable that I should have done long ago. So as always this means working nights and stressing just to then deliver a shoddy job. Because no matter how many nights I work there isn't enough time to do a job that I had months to do but didn't. And I don't want to work nights. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep.

I am so tired of letting people down. At work, my family, my friends. This year has been insane in how badly I've let people down. People who really needed me. I can't even imagine how tired they must be of being letting down by me though I'm pretty good at hiding it. I'm good at winging it and pretending I'm doing what I'm meant to do. Till I can't hide anymore or have run out of excuses and everything comes crashing down.

I hate it. I hate myself for it. The guilt is overwhelming as is the feeling of not again. How did I mess up again when I promised myself I wouldn't do this again?

I'm medicated. I hate the medication but I still take it. It makes me feel like crap but it doesn't help.

Anyone wants to join my pity party?

I have ADHD too and I feel every bit of your post, it's awful to feel like this. Sending you a hug

Thanks. And lots of hugs to you too. I just feel so desperate. I don't know how to fix myself. Every night I go to bed thinking thst tomorrow I will do better but then I don't. I know there's lots I could do to help myself but they all depend on being able to do something and I just won't do anything thst might help. I mean how do you live when you don't have any will power? I can't just go from crisis to crisis because that's the only way I get anything done. I don't want to live like this anymore but I don't know how to change. I know what needs to change but I don't know how to do it. I mean how do you do stuff when you just won't do it? At some point with every little thing you have to 'just do it'. What do you do when you can't?

All sympathy, it’s a horrible thing to live with I know. I so relate to having to work to make up for lost time when you are already exhausted from working inefficiently.

Not wishing to minimalise but I’d suspect you don’t let people down quite as much as your post suggests?

Is there any way you could afford to see a coach? I think an outside perspective can really help with small ways to start, and also to point out when the impact on other people might not be so bad to other people as you think.

I have also wondered about having an ADHD support thread on here, I started a thread on ADHD a couple months back and it got lots of interest. ADHDers aren’t exactly know for consistency so I don’t know how well it might last, but if there were a few of us..

This is me to a t, sometimes I lay in bed pretty happy I achieved my list brush my teeth, get dressed into clean clothing, ate a balanced meal then the self loathing sets in pretty quickly and I feel totally stupid and ashamed of thinking that the BASIC functioning of *normal people for a day is an achievement, I also hate that I go to bed every night overthinking about everything I want to do and achieve and making grand plans to do it, waking in the morning with actual enthusiasm and excitement that today's the day and it slowly gets sucked away until I'm burned out by 2pm and still have a million things to do for other people and it's 8pm before I realise I've not brushed my fucking teeth again.

No, it's bad and the last couple of months have been horrible. Especially at work. I have had to cancel so many meetings or take last minute leave because I hadn't done the prep. I said I would do a few things for my very ill parent and didn't. I haven't returned my sister's calls for ages though i know she is going through a lot of crap at the moment. The house is a tip and there's so much admin kind of work waiting. I used to tell myself that at least I'm a dedicated mum and that the adhd won't affect my kids. But it's getting harder as they are getting older and need more admin type of stuff to be done. They are late to school everytime I drop them and I literally run all the way to make it on time for pick up. the last two days I have been so depressed that we have had pizza and I just plonked them in front of the TV till bedtime. And I feel so flat and joyless on my medication that it's hard to play or have fun with them in the evening. And I don't want even want to think about all the ways I'm letting my husband now.

Seeing my list of failures written down I can't believe that I can act (or fail to act) like this. And it's just the tip of the iceberg. Oh and a good friend has recently lost a parent and I'm really not supporting her enough.

Yes, an adhd support thread would be great.

Doing the basic minimum on some days is an achievement and considering how much we beat ourselves up I think it's great if you can find something to give yourself credit for.

Your post also kind of hits home how I'm not achieving the basic minimum. All I've eaten today is crap. And I ate all my kids' easter chocolates and I've got no idea how to fit in time to buy more before Sunday. But I will. At the cost of something else. And I haven't brushed my teeth in the evening.

My psychiatrist has prescribed me an anti depressant to help with feeling flat on my stimulant. I really, really don't want to take it but I think I will start tomorrow. I mean I really don't know what else I can do. Maybe it will help somehow. And I am freaking depressed.

hi, not sure how old you are but symptoms seem to get worse with peri-menopause. Antidepressants are fine in my view and can help with menopausal symptoms. This could be what’s making you feel flat as you do sound depressed. But raising kids is super hard and I’m hearing you’re doing the school runs but is the parental load divided equally between you and DS? This is enough to make anyone depressed if not getting the support here. And I mean, true equal share.
Self-care is hard, I know. You’re burnt out. Need to take a step back and be kind to self. Not easy I know. Get your health back up, rest, feel better, formulate a plan of self-care. If the mother engine goes down, everyone else goes down. You can do it. But you may need the meds to get started.

I had to give up work I became a huge liability I couldn't manage home and work life at all. My home life is 3 children with sen (2 at the time) was balancing everything well until middle child suddenly became medically complex and is now tube fed and nearly died from a cold virus I was already 7 months pregnant at the time. My adhd diagnosis came late only last year however I knew, my whole family already had diagnoses of either adhd or asd. I never fitted in always struggled but was extremely intelligent grammar school etc not that I got decent grades, now my life *exists in the four walls of my house, debt thru my eyeballs and alot of dreams that may aswell be winning the lottery as any semblance of the life I thought I could have or achieve are gone, maddeningly because of my adhd I remain optimistic that one day I'll be able to do these things again but realistically I have no chance 2 of my children will never leave home. My partner has asd also diagnosed recently so I am the scatty, chaotic dreamer that forgets basic life functions in charge of 4 while other people that need a black and white world to feel safe and secure and ironically to function in society and I'm that person, I swear somedays I'm looking for a hidden camera as I feel I'm being pranked. I found ssris made me feel numb. Dr's always see my stress and think depression, its not its stress! I have propranolol now for days that I'm feeling in a tizz and don't know where to start. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of adhd support on mumsnet. Would be amazing to have a thread where we aren't being bashed or made to feel stupid.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I'm not sure if you have already explored this but I noticed you said the medication doesn't help and makes you feel awful. Have you discussed this with your psychiatrist and have they tried out on other medication? It doesn't sound like the one you are on is a good fit. Sorry if you have already tried them all.

I completely relate.

My brain doesn’t hold onto information and won’t cooperate with me at all. I’m forever the naughty child who didn’t do what they were supposed to do.

Hi OP,

Can completely relate and agree we need a support thread. This link is quite old and doesn't really offer solutions, however I always share it because it describes most of our lives to a T. Reading it always reminds me I'm not alone and my "failures" are typical for a woman with ADHD.

It's a hard thing to do, but as soon as we can stop beating ourselves up about not being "good enough" the easier it is to find strategies to cope with life in a way we can manage, not the way the rest of the world manages. We're always going to fail at that!

http://www.estronaut.com/a/women_attention_deficit.htm

OP do your work know you have ADHD? Mine do and I've figured out they created fake timescales for me. So if work is due in March they'll tell me its due end of Feb. Took me ages to figure it out but I just ignore that and work to the timeline they've given me. There's loads of other things they've adjusted for me such as flexible working. They've told me I need to be in at 9am but don't bat at eyelid if I arrive at 9.30 for example. That sense of stress and shame has dissipated for me and this wonderful workplace. See if your work can do similar. Full disclosure when they first started working with me and my ADHD diagnosis I told them something like a fake deadline would probably work for me (half jokingly) they seem to have run with it but without telling me which has actually really helped. But my hyperfocus thrives on the stress of a deadline and it doesn't upset the balance of the rest of my life I.e the kids so I'm lucky. You do need your husband to step up with the kids stuff if you want to make work ok I've found. He needs to take on the life admin rather than you and you can then avoid the mum guilt.

Yes.
It's all my fault.
It's noone else doing this to me. I can't blame anyone nor anything else.
I'm doing it to myself.
Every time I tell myself I'll do better.
And I don't.
I'm destroying my own life, for no reason. And I'm not learning.

Confide in someone senior at work. Stress it's confidential and explain your issues. You will be able to get some accommodations in work that can help you manage workload. Diazepam helps me take the edge off every now and again.

There isn’t much left to say that others haven’t already… it’s painful hidden condition to live with that is trivialised and mocked.

Do you have someone in the real world that you can get some support from to complete this task? Otherwise can we “crowdfund” you some help?

My suggestion would be Google the hell out the task to get some good examples and then set a timer of 25 minutes to challenge yourself to break down the logical steps.

Next is there anything you can use ChatGPT to at least get you started on? I often find a few lines/paragraphs from ChatGPT is super useful to easy me into initiating a task.

Lastly can you use something like FocusMate to body double to motivate/keep you on task? Do a 45 minute block then break for 20 minutes and rinse repeat.

Every school report, every Uni assessment, every professional review....... "could do better if tried"

It seems I disappoint everyone.

I don't have a diagnosis of ADHD but have many traits and your post really resonates with me. I'm a teacher and there are always things to do but I procrastinate. I end up working in the middle of the night most nights and am constantly shattered. There are things I know I have to do but I just can't get then done until the deadline approaches then I am up all night. I am filled with self-loathing about my own disorganisation.

I agree with PP that you need to speak to someone at work. If you are diagnosed then there are adjustments they can put in place to support you. Maybe the deadline can be moved in the first instance to take the initial pressure off then the task can be broken into smaller steps with someone checking in regularly to make sure they are done?

If you absolutely have to get it done now then I saw a strategy online which looked like it could be helpful. Set a timer for a short period (max 25 minutes). Dedicate this time to completing some of the task. Then take a break - have a timer set for this too. Then set thr timer for a work period again.

They had an actual physical timer (shaped like a tomato) but I guess a phone timer could work too.

It’s like having an extremely weak or non-existent “try” muscle.

“Just try!”

“What is “try”? I think I’m doing it, but nothing’s happening..”

I'm reading this as DS has ADHD. Lack of organisational skills is becoming a problem. School tasks that are to be completed over the term are an anathema to him.
Has anyone used an app suitable for school children?

I’ll be honest, apps are tricky - you can go “blind”
to them and no matter how many reminders you have set it won’t work.

I would suggest taking it back a step and looking at how your son operates. By this I mean where does he gravitate to do his homework and then go from there... Do you set up a chalk board or whiteboard planner or get an Alexa or similar set up to use as a singular check in place to record all homework. Don’t fight his natural instinct and try and make him turn left when he naturally goes right.

Also is the issue him remembering or is it task initiation that’s hard? If it’s this look up body doubling and then non swearing version of Danni Donovan’s how to get shit done anti planner.

Remeber it may take a little time for the root of the issue to become apparent, on the surface it might seem he’s a poor time planner but after having a little emotional dig (ask questions and let them brew inside his mind, we’re occasionally slow at registering our own feelings) you may find its shame at his desk being messy or something that is the real cause of the issue.

I could have written your post, OP. It's exhausting.

I'm definitely not depressed and I actually like my life, but there times when I wish myself dead just so that I don't have to deal with the guilt, the overwhelm and the paralysis.

And it doesn't matter how many stationery products I buy, how many apps I set up, how many productivity tools I use or how many reminders I set on my Alexa. As a pp has said, I quickly become deaf or blind to all of them.

The constant fretting over what I haven't done alongside the utter inability to actually make myself do it is just horrible. And then I hate myself for not being able to do it like any normal, functioning person would.

NT people just don't get it. They come up with all sorts of suggestions and strategies that just don't work for me. I wish they did. It isn't actually for want of trying.

Hi OP.

I've been squirming in what I can only describe as devastating guilt. My ADHD ruined things for me this week and I had to cancel something important because I wasn't mentally prepared. I also couldn't handle how anxious I was about it coming up and because I cancelled, it's left me feeling completely awful for the last two days. Feeling like a failure doesn't feel meaningful enough for me in this situation. I hate how crippling it can get sometimes

I totally get it, and hand squeezes for you and anyone having a hard time, I wish easier times for you all xx

Thank you @LittleRedYarny for the advice. I looked up mirroring with DS, and he said 'we do that'. I actually DO homework beside him - he seems to be overwhelmed at the empty page.
It's nice to have assurance that it is a recommended strategy.

I'm planning a whiteboard and tidying up his study area when I get home. Many thanks 👍

Thanks all. Reading all the replies but haven't had a chance to reply. I haven't started the anti depressants yet. I keep forgetting to take them...