DH and I are thinking about whether or not we want a child. There's a lot of reasons we go back and forth, but what I am really stuck on is the fear of the unknown. I have convinced myself that we will have a child with SEN or a disability and while I know that wouldn't affect how much we loved them or their value in the world, it would make life so much harder and I don't know if I could cope with the anxiety and upset that comes with that. If other children were unkind to them or I could see them suffering I know it would break my heart.
The reasons I've convinced myself we wouldn't have a healthy & neurotypical child relate to a few things. Firstly we both work in a hospital so we see the worst case scenario all the time, I am not clinical but I do have interactions with patients. I sometimes work with NICU and PICU so obviously there's that, but also things like elderly parents still accompanying their adult child to hospital appointments, who is scared and distressed because they don't understand what's going on. Also in terms of genetics, my DH has bipolar and my sister, niece and two cousins are autistic. I also suspect my DF is on the spectrum but he has no diagnosis. My niece struggles with everyday life and is unlikely to ever be fully independent, and I have seen what a nightmare my DSis and BIL have had navigating access to SEN education and trying to get support in place. I love being her auntie but I feel pain when I hear about her struggles, so I can't imagine how much worse that is for her parents. We're also both older, I'm 34 and DH is 45, which I know can increase the risk of some conditions.
I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or if the odds are stacked against us on this. I know there are no guarantees but I can't get past the sense that it's inevitable we would have a child with additional needs, and I wonder if I'd cope?
AIBU?
Terrified to roll the dice
beccagalli · 28/03/2024 13:04
Am I being unreasonable?
74 votes. Final results.
POLLbeccagalli · 28/03/2024 13:04
DH and I are thinking about whether or not we want a child. There's a lot of reasons we go back and forth, but what I am really stuck on is the fear of the unknown. I have convinced myself that we will have a child with SEN or a disability and while I know that wouldn't affect how much we loved them or their value in the world, it would make life so much harder and I don't know if I could cope with the anxiety and upset that comes with that. If other children were unkind to them or I could see them suffering I know it would break my heart.
The reasons I've convinced myself we wouldn't have a healthy & neurotypical child relate to a few things. Firstly we both work in a hospital so we see the worst case scenario all the time, I am not clinical but I do have interactions with patients. I sometimes work with NICU and PICU so obviously there's that, but also things like elderly parents still accompanying their adult child to hospital appointments, who is scared and distressed because they don't understand what's going on. Also in terms of genetics, my DH has bipolar and my sister, niece and two cousins are autistic. I also suspect my DF is on the spectrum but he has no diagnosis. My niece struggles with everyday life and is unlikely to ever be fully independent, and I have seen what a nightmare my DSis and BIL have had navigating access to SEN education and trying to get support in place. I love being her auntie but I feel pain when I hear about her struggles, so I can't imagine how much worse that is for her parents. We're also both older, I'm 34 and DH is 45, which I know can increase the risk of some conditions.
I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or if the odds are stacked against us on this. I know there are no guarantees but I can't get past the sense that it's inevitable we would have a child with additional needs, and I wonder if I'd cope?
ShrubRose · 28/03/2024 14:27
It's a very big decision, of course, and you are very wise to consider it very carefully.
Imo, the best way to go would be to seek out professional genetic counselling. It doesn't sound as if you would be eligible for NHS genetic testing but there are private services offering genetic consultations.
GoodnightAdeline · 28/03/2024 15:10
Is this, in essence, a fear of autism or do you worry about disability as a whole?
meganorks · 28/03/2024 15:11
To be honest, if you are in anyway doubtful you should have a child, you probably shouldn't. No one is going to be put your mind at rest. And if you are generally an anxious person, you are likely to pass that on to your children.
GoodnightAdeline · 28/03/2024 15:19
I think this is a really disingenuous comment. It isn’t ‘anxious’ to worry about having to care for somebody for the rest of your life, or spending the rest of your life having to guide and parent somebody who can’t cope in the world.
Nor is it an unfound fear because almost every other child on here seems to have autism, ADHD, debilitating anxiety or some kind of other condition which makes parenting them very hard. And it isn’t a self selecting sample - I could click on a thread about virtually anything and this seems to be the case.
I had the same worries OP. I’ll send you a PM.
meganorks · 28/03/2024 15:11
To be honest, if you are in anyway doubtful you should have a child, you probably shouldn't. No one is going to be put your mind at rest. And if you are generally an anxious person, you are likely to pass that on to your children.
kawabungah · 28/03/2024 15:25
Honestly, OP, I tell you this from a place of kindness and ‘being there’ right now. I currently have a 3 year old who is non-verbal, high needs, etc. can’t talk, no understanding, I’m their full time carer.
whilst I get the notion of “I wouldn’t change them for the world! Autism is their super power!” Etc that’s not how I feel right now.
my life is taken up caring for my child, day and night. I’m essentially a carer over being a mother. It’s relentless. We have just got an autism diagnosis but very little practical help. Every day I’m in fight or flight, getting attacked, constant battles etc. I adore my child, I really do, but if I could have seen my reality before I got pregnant I would not have chose this life.
TheMostly · 28/03/2024 15:38
I think I vastly underestimated my own lack of resilience when deciding to have a child. My mental health was too fragile and I was far too certain of my decision- I had no doubts at all. Self-doubt is probably a good characteristic in this instance. I wish I’d known then how deranged I was and how I would not hold up mentally the way I would need to for myself and for my family.
Ignorance wasn’t bliss in my circumstance
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gamerchick · 28/03/2024 15:45
It wasn't until I had my 3 that I realised that autism and ADHD run in my family. If I could go back I wouldn't have had any. As much as I love them, this is life until I kick the bucket myself.
Throw bi polar into it then no I wouldn't risk it.
Sorry man, it has to be something you decide on your own.
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