That's the last time I'll tell a friend I like them

[Redgreenpinkviolet]

I had a close friendship with a guy several months ago, talked every day, met up alone sort of thing, felt it was a mutual crush.
Turns out he didn't want anything, that's fine, tried to continue the close friendship but found it difficult to move on so distanced for a couple of months, I felt bad in doing so but he understood.

Eventually moved on, met someone else I liked, didn't go anywhere but I was just happy to like someone else and see the first guy as a friend.
Had a chat with my friend, apologised for the distance, and hoped I hadn't made things awkward, he was very nice about it, said I really didn't need to apologise and there was no problem or awkwardness whatsoever.

I thought great, I hope we can go back to what it was. When I see him in person he's fine, but I tried messaging him a couple of times and he is quite cold and disinterested which is sad.
It was literally several months ago and I have moved on since then. I feel like what he was saying about it all being fine wasn't true..I

t's a shame, but yeah he acts like he clearly doesn't want to talk to me. I guess I've made him uncomfortable despite what he said, even though it was a long time ago.
There's not much I can do I guess, but it's put me off ever mentioning anything to a friend in the future if a similar situation arises.

[Redgreenpinkviolet]

When I say distanced for a while, we still chatted sometimes but not like an everyday thing, but it helped me to move on and meet someone else.

[5128gap]

I'd imagine he no longer trusts that the friendship is the platonic one that was all he wanted, and doesn't want to risk future awkwardness or giving you the wrong idea. Tbf to him, he's doing exactly what most people would advise when someone they thought was a friend discloses attraction or feelings. Once you start to see a friend in a sexual/romantic way, why would you suddenly stop? He may think its wiser not to take the risk.

[Redgreenpinkviolet]

@5128gap

I'd imagine he no longer trusts that the friendship is the platonic one that was all he wanted, and doesn't want to risk future awkwardness or giving you the wrong idea. Tbf to him, he's doing exactly what most people would advise when someone they thought was a friend discloses attraction or feelings. Once you start to see a friend in a sexual/romantic way, why would you suddenly stop? He may think its wiser not to take the risk.

Yeah I do understand, it's just that it was all a while ago now and I'd thought that things had moved on since that. I didn't think that even months later he'd be acting this way, it's a shame if it's not salvegable at all and it makes me incredibly reluctant to find myself in a similar situation in the future.

[yellowsmileyface]

When I see him in person he's fine, but I tried messaging him a couple of times and he is quite cold and disinterested

This stuck out to me. I would expect in this situation, that he'd be more awkward in person and less so in messages.

So clearly the messages are the issue for him. It sounds to me like he genuinely wants to preserve the friendship, but is having trouble dealing with not knowing whether you still have romantic feelings for him or not. It's a tough situation to be in, because even if you reassure him that you no longer do, he doesn't know whether you're being honest or just trying to salvage the friendship.

Did you used to message a lot beforehand? Perhaps he's happy to meet up still, but is being careful not to slip into a place where you're messaging a lot, as this might give you the wrong impression.

As someone who's been in his position, my advice would be to give him space and time. Several months isn't long enough to be sure the other person is no longer romantically interested. If you try to push too hard to get back to where you were, you'll push him away. Also, and I know this seems counterintuitive, I'd suggest not trying to reassure him that you no longer have those feelings. In my experience, it came across as over compensating and ended up having the opposite effect, which pushed me away even more.

[Redgreenpinkviolet]

@yellowsmileyface

When I see him in person he's fine, but I tried messaging him a couple of times and he is quite cold and disinterested

This stuck out to me. I would expect in this situation, that he'd be more awkward in person and less so in messages.

So clearly the messages are the issue for him. It sounds to me like he genuinely wants to preserve the friendship, but is having trouble dealing with not knowing whether you still have romantic feelings for him or not. It's a tough situation to be in, because even if you reassure him that you no longer do, he doesn't know whether you're being honest or just trying to salvage the friendship.

Did you used to message a lot beforehand? Perhaps he's happy to meet up still, but is being careful not to slip into a place where you're messaging a lot, as this might give you the wrong impression.

As someone who's been in his position, my advice would be to give him space and time. Several months isn't long enough to be sure the other person is no longer romantically interested. If you try to push too hard to get back to where you were, you'll push him away. Also, and I know this seems counterintuitive, I'd suggest not trying to reassure him that you no longer have those feelings. In my experience, it came across as over compensating and ended up having the opposite effect, which pushed me away even more.

Yes I see what you mean. I thought several months would be more than enough given it was a crush and that we never dated or anything.
Yes, we used to talk like every day. So I feel a bit disappointed I've potentially lost a good friend.
I mean I'm not really trying to reassure him, I've just tried to act like nothing happened and message sometimes about matey stuff, still nowhere near as much as before.
I will just leave it and see if he reaches out to me eventually, but just focus on other friendships. It's a shame.

[InterIgnis]

Trying to distance himself so as to not be perceived as giving mixed messages? If his friendliness led you to believe the attraction was mutual, he may be trying to change his style of communication to avoid this.

[Redgreenpinkviolet]

@InterIgnis

Trying to distance himself so as to not be perceived as giving mixed messages? If his friendliness led you to believe the attraction was mutual, he may be trying to change his style of communication to avoid this.

I do understand that, it's possibly that, but for me as long as someone says it's just friends then that's the only message I need. I think sadly the friendship just won't be the same anymore, that's unfortunate but it's my fault I guess.

[yellowsmileyface]

I do think the friendship seems salvageable if he's given some space, so I wouldn't mourn the friendship just yet.

I get that it's disappointing though, and you're left regretting having ever said anything. Admitting your feelings to someone is a brave thing to do, because it's always a risk. So many people don't take those risks because they're too scared of getting hurt. Yes, you're hurting now. But try to take some comfort in the fact that you're a risk taker, who goes for the things she wants. It may not have worked out this time, but please don't let the take away from this be that you just shouldn't take risks, because there will be things that work out for you.

[areyoutheregod]

It’s not your fault, there’s no fault really. He’s probably just wanting not to give mixed messages and perhaps needs more time, or he may not be interested in the friendship. He’s just one guy, one friend, and it’s a bit of a shame when you lose friends but I wouldn’t overthink it. Next time you fancy someone, don’t let this one rejection stop you from sharing your feelings. I think that’s what stays with us for awhile, the rejection. It will pass.

[Laalaland]

Is it normal to message friends daily? I honestly didn't know that.

[Redgreenpinkviolet]

@areyoutheregod

It’s not your fault, there’s no fault really. He’s probably just wanting not to give mixed messages and perhaps needs more time, or he may not be interested in the friendship. He’s just one guy, one friend, and it’s a bit of a shame when you lose friends but I wouldn’t overthink it. Next time you fancy someone, don’t let this one rejection stop you from sharing your feelings. I think that’s what stays with us for awhile, the rejection. It will pass.

Thanks everyone. I did think several months would be enough but maybe I was wrong.
Anyway as I say I'll just leave it to him, I won't bother contacting him.
I do understand if he feels awkward, it's just that we had a chat about it literally a fortnight ago and he said that it was ages ago and there was zero awkwardness whatsoever. Ahh well.

[Sera1989]

I think it's unlikely things will go back to how they were unfortunately. He will know you want more and he may be thinking that there might be problems or jealousy if he gets into a relationship. I would give him space and be hopeful but not expect anything. Well done for telling him how you feel though, that must have taken courage :)

[Redgreenpinkviolet]

@Sera1989

I think it's unlikely things will go back to how they were unfortunately. He will know you want more and he may be thinking that there might be problems or jealousy if he gets into a relationship. I would give him space and be hopeful but not expect anything. Well done for telling him how you feel though, that must have taken courage :)

It's a shame,I have moved past wanting to date him and I've met someone else I like. But maybe he thinks I couldn't ever just be friends. I'll just leave it, it is a shame. I used to have zero issue telling people I liked them, I was quite confident but it has put me off.

[FruitFlyPie]

The problem is, if you didn't say anything, you might not have moved on and still be hoping for something to happen. So would that really be better.

Tbh your posts come across like you do still like him, and are hoping you'll be friends again so you can talk to him more for that reason. Now I believe you, but it may come across that way to him.

[Redgreenpinkviolet]

@FruitFlyPie

The problem is, if you didn't say anything, you might not have moved on and still be hoping for something to happen. So would that really be better.

Tbh your posts come across like you do still like him, and are hoping you'll be friends again so you can talk to him more for that reason. Now I believe you, but it may come across that way to him.

Yeah I understand what you mean, I'm really happy just being friends but he used to be a very close one. I've never had this kind of situation before, or maybe not since I was at school ! The best will be to just leave it I think sadly and be casual acquaintances.