to not want to listen to my daughter and her boyfriend's bed squeaking

[FragrantFlower]

A few months ago my 25 year old daughter asked if her boyfriend could stay over. Since then he basically lives here. All is good as he is a lovely young man, apart from one thing. The problem is their bedroom is just above where I sit in the living room and as we don't have carpet upstairs only bare boards, I can hear every squeak of their bed. So when they have sex which can be at any time of day or night, we can all hear it if we are downstairs at the time. Up until now I've just blocked it out but now my two sons are home from Uni and I am dreading being sat with my boys and then the noise starts up again as I for one would feel embarrassed and I don't want my sons to feel awkward either. I just don't know how to handle this without coming across as a prude and killjoy but in an ideal world I'd want them to be mindful of others and do it when people have gone to bed or aren't around. Am I being unreasonable? How do others handle this sort of thing.

Isn't it time they moved out?

Ask your daughter to sit downstairs and listen then you go upstairs and bounce on her bed....
She'll get the message

Get a rug to go under the bed and have a discreet word with your DD about their level of enthusiasm 😆

Do you want them to have moved in together? What have you said re: timeframe/rent etc? What are their plans?
The squeaky bed is a side issue, but I like the previous suggestion of jumping on her bed when she is below!

Depends on your chosen communication style. You could bang on the ceiling with a broom when it starts up, go into her room when she's out and tighten up all the bolts in the bed base, give her a lovely thick rug, or just tell her you can hear her.

A round of applause and some cheering when it stops might be a good deterrent. 😉

Just say to her, you can hear everything! If she's asked if he can stay surely you can approach her about it?

So it’s been going on for months, you don’t like it but you haven’t done anything to fix the issue or asked your DD to do anything about it?

Wait till they come downstairs and ask if they had a good time, they'll stop immediately maybe even move out if your lucky enough.

Failing that time to get some carpets!

I don’t think embarrassing/ shaming your daughter into moving is a particularly nice suggestion from PP. She’s your daughter though, you should be able to have a respectful chat about the issue. She’s an adult, she should be able to take it.

Thanks for all your suggestions.

KnackeredBack - yes the whole rent thing needs its own thread!

😂But to the problem at hand, I just bit the bullet and sent her a text about it as we'd both find it embarrassing to bring it up in conversation without the text as a sort of softener. Part of me feels really bad being a killjoy but she probably doesn't have a clue so its kinder to let her know. It has been really awkward at times when I've had visitors... like some sort of bad sitcom where we all try to talk a bit louder!

This must be quite a common thing with more adult children living at home and I just wonder how other people handle it? Or perhaps I'm overthinking and a bit uptight about these things 😂

[Edited to say: x posts op! I see you have sent a text! Personally, I think you may need to tackle the other issues too!]

I know this might seem like a radical suggestion but why on earth do you not have a respectful conversation with your dd op? Or with them both if you get on? Explain about your sons. It’s a perfectly reasonable request. You are paying the majority of the bills after all I assume? And it’s a matter of consideration for every member of the household.

The conversation doesn’t have to be graphic and you could frame it in terms of a wider issue about potentially moving rooms around, or converting a garage, or even them moving out together?

Also, if the bf has near enough moved in without having discussed it with you first, that is pretty cheeky imho (and of your dd). You might introduce some guidelines about contributing to food payments, cleaning costs, and electricity bills if this is going to be a more long term scenario?

Good luck op! You are perfectly justified in raising these issues and who cares if they think you are a killjoy? If your relationship with your dd is strong, this shouldn’t make a difference. You have been very understanding and accommodating up to this point and it will be interesting to see how they respond to you setting out some boundaries.

I would just say that I can hear the bed squeaking!
offer to have a look online together for a nice thick rug.

Yes definitely this 😆

I'd be telling her you said the boyfriend could stay over the odd night not live there.
Why can't they stay at his part of the week?

dont understand this surely they realise?

Your daughter and her bloke are disrespecting you in your own house and you're worried about being a prude and a killjoy?

Sounds like it's time to send the boyfriend home on a night time, it might motivate them to get their own place.

I’m going to vote YABU for allowing that to carry on especially when you have guests. I’d much rather have an awkward chat with my DD than have visitors round listening to them that’s much more awkward and embarrassing. To put visitors in that position aswel is just awful! Imagine if they go home and tell everyone what they heard… that’s far more embarrassing! I’m glad you’ve text her and hopefully they are more considerate. I would of just shouted up “what’s that noise sounds like your going to fall through ceiling” 😂😂

Ffs - just tell her that the bed makes a noise.

Lol, this is another thread where the concept of communication load is pertinent. I have just been posting about it on the thread where someone's DP hasn't told his parents that she is pregnant.

Telling your adult offspring you can hear them having sex is a very high communication load task. It's a risky, high stakes piece of communication. Sending a text will hopefully sort the issue whilst sparing her embarrassment.

Anyone who hasn't understood about communication load and that sometimes things are harder to say, and that for some ND people the hard things to say may be less immediately obvious, here's a situation to help you understand that NT people also experience communication inhibition when the stakes are high. It's just the "high stakes" might be different if you are ND (autistic/ selective mutism).

This!!

Can you not just talk to her about it?! I can't imagine not having full and frank conversations with dd, she may be 17 we've literally talked about everything. And if this was happening in my house, then I'd speak to her. It's going to be more embarassing because you've let it go on for all this time!

I would tighten the bed's joints anyway. Squeaky beds are annoying even if you're not having sex.

Give her a can of WD 40 and a screwdriver to tighten up the bed nuts as opposed to boyfriends nuts.

They will know OP! Of course they know. You need to spell it out to her that it isn't ok and is making you uncomfortable in your own house.