My XP wants to move DS to a different nursery..I don't want him to. AIBU?

[Janos]

Would very much appreciate some impartial advice from mnetters on this one.

XP and I are separated, we both work full time and share custody of DS. I'd say we have an ok relationship, by which I mean we get on for DS sake. Over the past 2 years we have shared joint custody. Half the week he is with me and half with his Dad.

Until recently this worked because we lived within 15 minutes of each other. However, XP moved 30 miles away 6 months ago(his choice, wanted to buy somewhere with a garden - he is very well off and I'm not).

He wants to move DS to a nursery in his new home town 1 day a week. I don't want him to do this for two main reasons - I think it will be yet more disruption for him being moved to another nursery, and also because XP and I both work away from this place. I don't drive so would have to use public transport to get to him. This would take at least an hour. XP drives but it will take about an hour to get there too. I'm really worried about what would happen in an emergency. In all likelihood it would be me that needed to pick him up because my job is far more flexible (hence the lower pay!) and XP works away very frequently and often can't be reached.

XP says his new partner can pick DS up (they have a good relationship)and he also has friends in the area. But surely it should be me or his Dad? And I don't like the idea of being so far away from my son in the event that something goes wrong. Maybe thats just instinctive.

So, AIBU, or precious? I really don't know. My main concern is for DS. Please believe me when I say that I am not objecting on the grounds of spite. It just feels wrong.

Thanks for reading through that, any advice welcome!

[Janos]

Well I have an update and I'm pleased to say that XP has agreed that DS will not go to this other nursery! and also

I'm very pleased at this although knowing XP this will not be the last of it.

However, DS stays where he is for now and I am happy with that outcome.

I know it's been said but thanks again everyone for your supportive comments.

[CarGirl]

Thanks for the update, I would itterate the question, how does your dh think it will benefit your ds?

[Surfermum]

Good for you. Exactly how does he think it will benefit your ds?

[Janos]

Update for anyone who is interested, I emailed my XP to say I did not want DS to move nursery. As expected he was not happy and claims he is doing it for DS' benefit.

He doesn't understand why I am objecting. I think he's a bit shocked I have the temerity to disagree with 'his' decision.

As I pointed out, it's not HIS decision to make, it's ours.

[Janos]

Heated, this whole nursery business has got me thinking about that too.

Thanks once again everybody, I'm off to bed as today + headche + not enough sleep has me worn out.

[Heated]

Suss out the school you want him to go to nice and early too, especially if you have shared access.

[Surfermum]

I would have been prepared to do it pre-dd too - it's not being a mum that gives me that attitude I'm just a nice person .

Janos, has he said why he wants him to go to the new nursery?

[yurt1]

YANBU

Don't let him move him. He chose to move, your son shouldn't have to suffer any fall out from that.

[Janos]

Urrrrgh....Headachey!

[Janos]

Sorry, long day, heachey and tired so not making much sense. I meant to say 'DS is his one soft spot'.

[Janos]

Actually SurferMum and HarriettheSpy I think you are both right!

DS is one his soft spot. Appealing to DS's welfare is one of the few things I think might get through to me. He's not horrible, just selfish and arrogant.

Thinking about it I am also going to say 'I think he needs to stay in his current nursrey because you are often away and it will be EASIER for YOU if I am nearest and can pick him up' (my emphasis there).

XP's partner has picked him up from nursery on occaision. From what I know of her she's responsible. I don't have any problems with her at all.

"He is behaving as though ds is a pet dog or cat to be put in kennels, not a small child who needs consistancy and security. (IMO)"

Yes he is, exactly, that's why I find it all so upsetting. DS has to be our priorty - how can he not be?

[3littlefrogs]

He is behaving as though ds is a pet dog or cat to be put in kennels, not a small child who needs consistancy and security. (IMO)

[laura032004]

Before DS1 turned 3, he started attending two different nurseries, under slightly stressful circumstances - just before the birth of DS2. He took it in his stride, but he was only in nursery for two half-mornings per week.

However, I think your other concerns are very valid. If your DS needed you, you need to be able to get to him quickly. Has your XP's new partner ever shared the load in the past when your XP has been away? What happens to the shared custody then? Do they live together?

There doesn't seem to be much sense in 'rocking the boat' if you've already got a situation that works well (for your DS if not your DH!)

[HarrietTheSpy]

Sufermum
If you have children of your own, you might have a different attitude in that case.

As I see it, the trouble is, this guy I bet knows on some level it's not in DS best interests to have this nursery arrangement. I don't think he will be persuaded by more arguments on this level BUT based on the limited info I have I do think that if he can be convinced the arrangement will cause more inconvenience to him in the long run, he might.

[CarGirl]

would now be a good time to discuss the future arrangements when he does go to school - perhaps the half a week thing won't work as well then?

[Janos]

Of course Surfermum. Just to be clear I'm not criticising XP's new partner - she has been on the scene for a while and AFAIK DS has a good relationship with her. So it's certainly not the she isn't trustworthy.

I think you are right in saying I should concentrate on DS's wellbeing. That way I'm more likely to get through to him.

[Surfermum]

I would leave to work to get dsd in an emergency if I needed to as neither her mum nor her dad were available, so maybe "new squeeze" would - but I don't think that's relevant really, the crux of the matter is is it in your ds's best interests and I don't believe it is. It's not something I would have considered for dd.

I think you will be in a strong position if you argue this from the point of view of your ds and that only. It then doesn't become about what you will and won't do, or who you are happy to allow to pick him up and he could very easily turn it (albeit unfairly) into you being unreasonable.

[Janos]

"It's ridiculous for him to say he's going to rely on friends to pick up in case of emergency - even his new squeeze. Would she really leave work to do this?!"

Yes, that's just how I feel and everyone sees this but him. In his mind, if its something he wants to do then that is all that matters.

CarGirl, that is a good idea re: the nursery manager. I think she will be supportive.

"It sounds to me like your x just wants everything on his terms"

Spot on KaySamuels.

Thank you for all the supportive comments.

[DarthVader]

Bad for the child to have to attend 2 different nurseries imo

[HarrietTheSpy]

It's ridiculous for him to say he's going to rely on friends to pick up in case of emergency - even his new squeeze. Would she really leave work to do this?!

I think he would soon find out this was unworkable in practice - and then you've caused DS disruption, etc, maybe only to return to the arrangement you have now when it's too much effort.

Can you invent an imaginary couple that tried this out and it didn't work?!

[CarGirl]

I would just say sorry but there is no compromise on this (he can pursue it through the courts but that is his perogative) remind him that he chose to move away and changing nursery is not in your ds' best interests so you are not agreeing to it. I would inform your nursery manager of your decision to ensure she is kept in the picture so to speak and if your dh tries to give notice to the nursery she can say she will only accept notice signed by both of you.

I would bring up the question of schooling now in case that ends up having to go via the courts too. As you have to use public transport I'm sure the courts would have to take that into account, along with any after school care availability that is around.

[Miggsie]

A different nursery for 1 day a week?
How will the poor mite have any chance of making friends there? It will just confuse DS and mean he spends the day lonely.
Seems XP is thinking of his own convenience not DS.
Also, if the nursery is like mine you have to submit an approved list of people who can pick your child up...are you prepared to put down ex p new partner as an approved person?

I can see no benefit to DS unless this nursery guarantees a free place at a top private school (if you like that kind of thing) which I doubt.
Talk to your child's key worker about your concerns.

[KaySamuels]

YANBU

My ds is 3 and would be seriously unsettled by splitting his time between 2 nurseries. As you have shared custody surely at the age of 3 he needs to feel secure and have the stability of knowing where he is going.

It sounds to me like your x just wants everything on his terms. Stand your ground on this one. I think you should focus on how it would affect your ds rather than you when it comes up in conversation again.

[nkf]

If there is no reason that would benefit the child for making the move, then leave things as they are.

[Janos]

The nursrey manager has said to me 'off the record' that she is concerned about the idea of DS moving to another nursery, in fact she put it a little more strongly than that.

I don't feel she is saying it because she is worried about losing the income either. It feels genuine IYSWIM.