to think that my parents could help out a bit more with their (only) grandchildren??

[nvj]

my twins are almost 3 and I'm getting increasingly frustrated/annoyed about the amount of help (or non-help) we get from my parents and my DH's mum.
My parents both work full-time so I don't expect any help during the week obviously but at weekends they don't visit or offer to take the twins at all. I've been quite ill for the past few weeks and cos my husband works pretty much 7 days a week have struggled but have had no offer of help and I really don't like to ask to be honest (maybe this is my problem?!)
I just sometimes feel as if they are really not interested in their grandchildren and are missing seeing them grow up. We only live 30 minutes away FGS. We do go to visit them but have stopped going as often as we used to as it is such a fiasco. My parents have nothing at their house for the girls apart from a box of toys that I gave them (bought from ebay by me!). I have to literally take everything i need when we go round there which is a right military operation.
They have never had the twins for a day or a night without us staying there too apart from once when they were 6 mths old and we went to a wedding. My mum did broach the subject of maybe having one of the twins for a day/night alternatively say once a month but that was about 9 months ago and nothing ever actually happened about it.
Last night we stayed over cos we went to a party local to their house and I had to take all the girls dinner, juice etc cos they don't have anything in i can give the girls. They don't help get them ready for bed or anything... this morning was even worse, the girls woke up at 7am which was fine but my husband had to go to work but my parents then both decided to take the dog for a long walk and then when they got back they had to get ready to drive and see my Grandad so I didn't have any help this morning when I was trying to pack up and get the 3 of us ready to go in a non-child proofed house! AAGGHH!

sorry i am waffling now.. i am just getting v frustrated with the situation but i don't know how to broach it. I used to be REALLY close to my mum and speak to her at least twice a week but now I don't really speak to her at all cos I am so annoyed with her. It's almost like they think well we didn't have much help when you were a kid so we're not helping you.

any advice? am i being unreasonable? how much help do others get from their parents?

MIL is just as bad but she is on her own and has always said she doesn't get on with children (!)

[nvj]

Pukkapatch - yes i will speak to my mum later on but she's out at the moment visiting my grandad (see first post!)

alfiesbabe - yes you're probably right re the job, it's not ideal but my job was working in finance commuting to London (1.5 hrs away) and i don't want to go back to doing that tbh. My DH only works Sat & Sun mornings so he's here in the afternoons and he's home by 4/5pm during the week so is here to help out for a few hours before the girls' bedtime which he loves. I've been accepted on to a teacher training course from Sept so that's what i'll be doing from then so that's another reason i won't be going back to work just yet. We are hoping to employ an au pair to help us out.

[alfiesbabe]

Sounds as though things will get better come Sept then. You're lucky having DH home by 4/5 too - that's something most people can only dream of! I'm sure once the girls are in school, you're on your training course etc your life will change rhythm anyway - you'll probably be thankful for your weekends as family time and won't particularly want to go rushing off to grandparents! I think those first few years as a SAHM can be very isolating (I was only home on maternity leaves as couldnt afford to be a SAHM - but tbh I'm glad I went back to teaching).

[juuule]

So your dh is there quite a bit then. If he's home 4/5 during the week that's a relatively early finish. Sounds as though you've got things quite organised anyway.

[nvj]

yes it is an early finish but he leaves the house at 5/6am and works 10 hour days and 7 hour days at the weekend so is tired most of the time! I know I'm lucky to have him home by late afternoon though, it is a real help sometimes.
alfiesbabe - i think you're right re being a SAHM. Even though i have lots of friends who are SAHMs too, it can be isolating at times.
I think I was just annoyed with the trip to my parents this weekend and probably need to ask if they'd be willing to have the girls overnight once every few months or something. I'm pretty sure they would, if they can fit it in to their schedules (my mum travels a lot with her job).

[Kitti]

Everyone I know is very close to their parents who help out constantly with their grandchildren and are pleased to be able to offer help and assiatnce in any way possible (even when they work themselves). It makes me quite jealous because my parents have no interest at all in their grandchildren. I just want you to know that you are not alone. It would be lovely to have a little help but not just that - for the kids to get to know their grandparents and for them to create a bond. My parents didn't get much help from my grandparents but they certainly received more than I do from them. I loved my grandparents and I know my kids love to spend time with my parents when they can and I feel so sad for them that they will never have the love and attention that I got from my own grandparents. Try and talk to your mum - it's a frustrating situation and you could end up feeling very alone and isolated. AS for an earlier comment that you shoudl talk to your mum and not random strangers - isn't that what this forum is for? To ask for advice and support? It my be that your parents are worried about how they will cope and twins are different than one child but then it would be nice if they wanted to give it a try. Good luck

[nvj]

thanks Kitti. totally agree with your post! I do think the twin thing puts them off sometimes, if we just had one child I think things would be very different!

[cinnamontam]

All the grandparents I know have toys, food etc... in their houses for their grandkids. This is not something that is expected of them at all. It is something they want to do.

I would be really upset if any of my DD's grandparents showed such little interest in her by having nothing whatsoever in their houses for her.

NVJ - I completely understand how your situation is making you feel like crap. Like alot of the other posters I agree that the best thing to do is to talk to your Mum. Maybe write it down first so it's clear in your mind without getting too emotional.

Hugs and good luck xx

[SpottyHamster]

My parents /ILs live 4 hrs way so we have not been able to rely on them for regular help. At times I would have loved them to be closer. So I can see how galling it must be for your parents to be fairly close yet unhelpful. My feeling is they are pretty tired at the w/e . As a middle aged person myself I am pretty whacked at w/e and I work p/t. My kids are pre-teen/ teen so not too taxing. I imagine in another 10 years time I will feel even worse.... . They also seem to feel they have done their bit re child care and now wish to relax. I think it may help if you ask direcly with small requests & not get angry if they say no. It may also be that they are nervous of doing something wrong? You may not be able to change them but if you do manage to do some minor babysitting they may relax, bond with the children & love it! Good luck.

[wb]

Whilst I can understand why you are annoyed, and I am very glad that my parents/in-laws feel differently I don't think it is ever reasonable to expect grandparents to help out - even occasionally- if they don't want to.

The exception to this would be in times of dire family emergency - like needsmorecoffee's example. Then you'd have to be pretty mean not to rally round. But not all grandparents are all that bothered about their grandchildren. It's not an attitude I understand but I don't think that makes them bad, or even flawed, people.

[Kitti]

I think it's not so much expecting them to help out as expecting them to WANT to be there to help out. Having kids is exhausting and people need help and support whether that's just emotional help or physical help. Because it's grandparents it's a desire that they want to help out - I know that when I ask my parents' for the 100th time if they could possibly take one of the kids for a few days in the hols (we live a couple of hour's journey away) and they say no for the 100th time because they MIGHT be doing something else - it makes me really sad that they don't want to spend time with my girls and their grandchildren and it makes me feel even more isolated and emotional. I know the answer is to simply stop asking but then I feel I'm at fault for not trying to get them involved more. I sent a dvd recently of photos of my parents and my dad actually said "well it's the only way we get to see the kids" in a not so nice tone of voice but he's the one who says no every time I ask to visit or ask them to visit!! Sorry If I'm hijacking this thread alittle but everyone's circumstances are different - nvj's situation may be similar - it's not that we're expecting family to jump for joy to have our kids so that we can go off and have a facial but help out with "their" family and actually want to because they "love" their grandchildren. I kow my parents are in their 50's and my mum has a couple of cleaning jobs she does so I'm sure that by the weekend they're both tired but I'm not expecting them to take the kids bungy jumping!! I don't think nvj has such expectations either!!

[sparkybabe]

Having kids esp. twins is exhausting and yes they are your responsibilty. That means dh as well. If he works all hours then he is going to be a) no help b) exhausted too and c) never going to see the ds. It's not your parents fault. Yes they could be more supportive, but I know when I complained to my mum about it all, she would say something like 'well I had to look after 3 of you in a strange country while your father went off to war/posting/exercise (army!) for weeks and I managed.' So no sympathy htere then! It does get easier.

Can't you get a part-time job? A home-job? Buying and selling on ebay?

[Flibbertyjibbet]

If your twins are almost 3 then very soon they will be at preschool for 2.3 or 3 hours per day term times no?

So, in a couple of months you will be in a very good position regarding having help (ie time off from kids to do other stuff).

DP and I both work full time, no help with kids, if someone offered to have one of my kids at a time occasionally I would have the first child round there before you could say 'overnight bag'.

[nvj]

thanks for your messages.

sparkybabe - i don't think you've read through the whole thread but i am starting a PGCE (teacher training) course in sept so no point getting a part-time job, plus nobody to look after the girls anyway! I used to work 2 nights in a restaurant just to get out but after 10 months it was too exhausting! I haven't got time for a job tbh!

Flibbertyjibbet - yes the girls are at pre-school 3x a week at the moment which we pay for til they are 3. They love going and it gives me some time but I spend most of it doing washing, housework or my Spanish homework (i'm doing a spanish gcse)

Kitti - totally get where you are coming from although I don't usually ask so that's probably my problem. I know that my parents are really busy so I feel bad about asking but my point was that I am surprised that they don't want to spend more time with their grandchildren! Even when we went on holiday with them last year for a week they didn't offer to look after them so hubbie and me could have a break. I wasn't expecting this before the rest of you jump on me but it would have been nice no?!
My Nan is always telling me of when she used to look after my brothers and me all the time so I just don't get it.

ah well... anyway i have calmed down a bit now and I guess just have to get on with it! thanks for reading though. just need somewhere to vent sometimes don't we?!

[pukkapatch]

nvj, have you spoken to your mom yet?

[Alambil]

what are you going to do with the twins in September - or is that when the au pair will come, hopefully?

I am starting my PGCE then too! It sounds like nightmare-ish hours though, doesn't it?!

I think it is a shame your extended family don't take more of an interest but can understand their want for a quiet weekend if they both work full time.

Could you suggest some family days out instead - go with them on walks in the woods/picnics etc? Summer is coming so the chance to go out to a park or whatever will come back - may be a good time to help the relationship?

[nvj]

pukkapatch - no i haven't spoken to her yet. She works from home on a Wed so thought I would pop in tomorrow and have a word face to face instead.

Lewisfan - yes we are hoping to get an au pair from sometime in August so I can help her get settled and make sure the girls get on with her! They will be at pre-school for 5 sessions by Sept aswell. Yes I am pretty sure the PGCE year will be extremely tough but am hoping that I have enough support and that the au pair will be a godsend (please!). My Nan lives 5 mins walk away and has offered to help out a lot bless her.
Yes i like the idea of family days outs, will make some suggestions soon i think!

[frecklyspeckly]

NVJ you are NOT being unreasonable, you need support. But unfortunately some grandparents just arent the kind who are willing or able to help.
The trouble is sometimes it can feel as if everyone else has got these fantastic grandparents who DO bring up their grandkids.But many people have posted on here before saying they feel let down and hurt by parents for not helping. I do not think it would hurt to get a few bits in for the kids like babygates etc, but its probably thoughtlessness rather than deliberate selfishness.
we are 3 hrs away from my parents and they do love the kids but my mum just isnt very organised at forward planning and it makes visiting very hard, but she has improved over the years. I wonder if when the kids leave home you just forget how hard it actually is to raise children and become as self centred as a teenager?
Apparently, we are the independent ones (me and dp) whilst brother and his wife 'need help' i.e. are incapable of caring for/ entertaining their dd's for longer than 2 hours. The tide has turned now tho and mum and dad appreciate we dont ask anything of them. And they are fed up with always having my brothers's kids - at least no one feels burdened by our kids. Xmas was a sore point tho - we didnt even get a phone call whilst mum and dad put on a full xmas day for the dependent ones, for 6th year in row!!

I think you will all grow to be a really close family unit and appreciate each other more because you can only rely on yourselves. BUT i repeat you are NOT unreasonable to expect HELP at a hard time in your life but dont get depressed if they wont or dont because a] will get better/easier as they get older, b] as time goes on you will get a support network together if you want one by making friends with other mums. It can be done, you can manage without any babysitting help from grandparents XX

[Limara]

frecklyspeckly, I couldn't of put it better-bang on!

Had the same probs as OP, I just think of help as a bonus now.

I used to get mad just thinking of how unhelpful they were and would work out how long between their visits, bearing in mind I live in the same town as my mum, say 8 times a year. She considered me too far away as I'd moved to a different area to where all the rest of my family are, only 2miles!

She has got alot better recently and wants to spend more time with us which is really nice and we are much much closer.

[Chequers]

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