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AIBU?

I think I'm like my mum and I'm stressing

3 replies

llamamaa · 12/10/2022 19:31

To be honest, I'm hoping for people who have had similar revelations to get support because I am in a spiral right now.

My DM - while having some strong points - is not someone who I've ever aspired to be, in personal life or in motherhood. Her attitude, mental health problems, lifestyle etc have always been something NOT to be for me.

Gradually over the past year I have seen it more and more in myself, and tonight has came to a head where I just see so many similarities it makes me sick. I honestly just want to burst into tears and I feel like I want to rip myself out of my skin and just be someone else.

So... anyone else ever felt like this who has had previous problems with their DM?

OP posts:
SpicePearl · 12/10/2022 19:41

Yes, me. It’s hard! Some things I try to remember (some of which I learned by discussing this in therapy):

*it’s natural to behave in the patterns you saw or were subject to. Sometimes if you were on the ‘victim’ side of a dynamic it can be normal to take the more powerful side later in life. It is very hard to break these patterns but awareness is a key first step

*as I notice similarities between me and my mum, I make the effort to also notice positive similarities or areas where I am different

*change and growth comes from a place of love and kindness to oneself, not hatred and frustration. I cannot move forward without learning to love myself as I am and learning to offer myself compassion for the parts of myself I sometimes wish I could change

*it is unlikely there will be a resolution or forgiveness between me and my mum so I have to find that within myself - set the boundaries I am comfortable with and let go of what I can in order to focus on myself, not her.

You sound very upset and I hope some of this helps, please remember you are your own person, you are not your mum. It is not some foregone conclusion that you will become her.

ohhelldoi · 12/10/2022 20:07

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Cw112 · 12/10/2022 20:32

I found counselling really helpful to step back and think about my upbringing and unpack why I sometimes react in certain ways to things especially when it's ways my mum would react.

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