How to handle bossy DSD

[Broxburngal]

Hi everyone,

My DH has been diagnosed with a very serious form of cancer which doesn’t usually have a good outlook in terms of living beyond a year, maybe two. I really need a hand hold. He took it very calmly at first but the shock is now beginning to set in and it’s extremely difficult for both of us. We haven’t told anyone yet as we are waiting for results of the CT scan and advice on our options first.
Everyone, family and friends will be shocked but supportive I am very sure ……. all except my DSD. She will be shocked, she will be upset and she will want to travel to us to be with my DH. However, this is a young woman who is selfish, over confident and domineering. Her way is the correct way … always. She will bat down anyone’s point of view if it differs from hers. She asks for huge presents at birthday times etc, phones her dad before her birthday and Christmas but never any other time. She does not send him a card for his birthday, Father’s Day or Christmas Day. He telephones her and tries to arrange meet ups but is given the runaround by her. She is against conventional treatment and thinks everything can be sorted through complimentary therapies, but I have to say that’s only what they are … complimentary therapies that work alongside conventional treatments for the best possible outcome. They are not cures in themselves. He tried to phone her to let her know what was happening regarding a diagnosis but she shouted and argued down the phone about Big Pharma and all the poison they put into your body and this is before she knows that he is ill. He ended up stopping the conversation because he couldn’t take it and he couldn’t bring himself to tell her therefore. She is a huge conspiracy theorist and we are beginning to think that she has mental problems.
Anyway, sorry for the rant but once she does find out she will without a doubt travel here, expect to stay and for me to wait on her hand and foot, expect to be able to call the shots regarding her Dad’s treatment irrespective of what his wishes are etc etc. We are both totally washed out, devastated and not sleeping. AIBU in wanting her to stay with relatives if she comes up? I just or indeed we just could not cope with her drama on top of everything else.

[ChipsforMe]

My DH decided not to tell our children until nearer the time
Why should they spend 2 years living in worry?
They knew that he had cancer , when he had surgery etc but not the final diagnosis

In fact only I knew. He wanted some normality and he wasnt going to get that with everyone wanting a piece of him.

[Musicalmaestro]

I agree with having a word with her mother. Has she remarried? I would think she would be the best person to support DSD.

[Kanaloa]

God I don’t know. I’m so sorry, this is an awful time. On one hand I’d be tempted to tell her a bit of home truth - that she needs to grow up or shut up and stop making her father’s awful tragedy about her. On the other hand of course you don’t want to cause any stress to DH at this time. Have you any relationship with SDD mother? Maybe a quiet word from her mum along the lines of ‘dad and stepmum won’t be able to accommodate you as a guest right now. You must understand that dad needs space to grieve etc at the moment.’

[Bonniegirlie]

So sorry to hear this, what a difficult time for you both. Regarding your DSD, no, you're not being unreasonable in not wanting her to stay with you. Just tell her no, that you 100% need to concentrate on your DH and you don't want anyone or anything to take your attention away from him. So houseguests, however close, are not happening. You might be better not telling her what is going on until you have made decisions on a treatment plan once you have all your options. Then you can present it to her as a fait accompli and if she starts you can then tell her it's not up for discussion as the decisions have been made. To be fair, you really don't need any houseguests at this time as you need to be able to do what you want when you want/need to do it without having to take anyone else into consideration, whether they're difficult or not. You will want a calm environment and she will just disrupt everything by the sound of it, so you absolutely need to be firm and shut her down immediately if she presumes she's coming to stay. Good luck to you both

[FrazzleDazz]

Firstly OP massive handhold, what you are going through is awful for you and DH. I would be inclined to tell her sooner rather than later, but set very strict ground rules on her involvement and behaviour. Do you have a treatment plan in place? If so I'd lay this out for her and make it clear there is no discussion or deviation from that. How old is she? Does she have a life she can drop and stay with you indefinitely or commitments elsewhere? You do need to be aware though this will be a huge shock for her as well and if she's inclined to be bossy and outspoken naturally, her coping mechanism might be to be more so than usual, which I implore you to approach with some empathy, as at the end of the day her dad is very poorly. Going forward, without being too insensitive, do you have anything in place that will dictate who is responsible for your DH medical decisions? I'd also lump in financial decisions too as it is not something you need to contend with or argue over.