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To think he wants to have his cake and eat it

18 replies

Forfrigz · 02/10/2022 19:06

Been seeing a guy for a few months. Liked him a lot more than most men I see so I was keen, but fairly early on he explicitly said he wasn't looking for anything serious and asked if we could keep it casual. I wasn't sure at first, but after some deliberation I decided to carry on casually while I date other men as I'm looking for a partner.
I've cooled off my feelings and although I still like him I'm no longer in that initial infatuation phase as like I said I'm actively seeking a serious relationship. He is now the one to initiate most contact but he seems to do this pretty much every day. It's unusual that we go one day without messaging and 99% of the messages are non sexual, everyday messages with some degree of affection.
AIBU to think that this is not normal for a casual setup? I get that every person's preference and situation will be different but it makes me think that he thinks he has me when surely the point in being casual is that we can see anyone we like? I haven't explicitly mentioned I'm still dating others as I'd find it awkward to talk about with him but surely it's implied that casual means non exclusive? For reference we see each other an average of once every 1-2 weeks, so it's hardly like this frequent messaging is necessary.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername3 · 02/10/2022 19:15

Sounds like a friends with benefits set up. Nothing wrong with it unless it's not what you want.

girlmom21 · 02/10/2022 19:26

Tell him his actions don't match his words. Ask if he's changed his expectations of your relationship as causal isn't what you want but you don't want to miss out on other opportunities if he's dating others and still sees it as a casual relationship

HotSauceCommittee · 02/10/2022 19:31

Just have a "reset" talk. Tell him how you think it's going and how you want it to go and ask him what he thinks?

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 02/10/2022 19:40

YANBU, he does want his cake and to eat it too. Don’t feel obliged to be responsive to his texts.

You’re not going to focus on finding a LT partner if he is taking up your time and headspace.

Sounds like he’s noticed you’ve pulled away a bit and is trying to reel you back in. What a stupid game.

Forfrigz · 02/10/2022 19:52

Yeah I think it happens often that it starts to become a game even without people intending it to, because egos are involved and people get a little ego boost from the attention they receive.
I really think that if he knew I was seeing others he wouldn't be happy. But then what is the point? As time goes on I feel we are less compatible, partially because I feel devalued and that rubs me up the wrong way and partly for circumstantial reasons as I'm at a point where I'd like to settle down but I don't think he is and I don't begrudge him that but I would like to keep the sex in the mean time until I find someone.

OP posts:
Forfrigz · 02/10/2022 19:55

Actually having thought about it, it probably is the fact that attention is easier to come by as a woman so men are more likely to try and keep their sources of it open. Whereas for women it's neither here nor there if it's a casual thing. For me, anyway.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/10/2022 19:58

I think you are right.

Stop being responsive to daily texts.
It's taking your energy that you should be focused on meeting others.

Your gut is telling you that he wants to keep his options open so 100% suit yourself until you meet someone who suits you more.

But definitely kill the daily texting.
Don't give him that space, he doesn't warrant it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/10/2022 20:01

I might be tempted to finish it tbh, especially as you’ve cooled off towards him.

If not, I’d have a chat to him about not wanting the daily texting etc as it’s a casual thing, and also that you see this as non exclusive.

ReneBumsWombats · 02/10/2022 20:05

It's pretty normal in my experience for men to tell you they don't want anything serious and then go all out to try to make you fall in love. I don't know why.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 02/10/2022 20:10

What do you want, do you want any more? He sounds like a game player, not to be trusted. I would not be replying to texts from him for several days. And if I were not interested in anything more than casual, I would only reply to arrange to meet up.

Badger1970 · 02/10/2022 20:12

Hmm he's either noticed you pulling away, or he's keener than he thought he'd be.

I'd be honest and ask him outright why he's in contact so much, it doesn't strike you as casual which is what he specifically asked for.

Glitterbaba · 02/10/2022 20:17

When someone tells you something - listen !

Im sorry but listen .

I used to think - ‘whilst he said it’s causal he clearly likes me . I mean he is cooking me dinner and buying me flowers ???? He calls each night ?’
we would be acting like we were in a relationship and boom !!!! He’d pull the- I told you i wasn’t looking for a relationship card .

Ask him- have you changed your mind? This is the only way to know . I’d guess that 96% he just wants casual. But he likes you . but he doesn’t want serious .

Forfrigz · 02/10/2022 21:06

Thank you everyone for your input. I think that it is true that even if I find the messaging frivolous from my perspective, it still takes up space in my head and actually lately I feel less enthusiastic about dating. I don't think I could say outright 'let's message less' as I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings, so I might just say I need to take a break from dating in general for a few weeks at least. Hopefully we'll fall into a habit of.less contact in that time.

OP posts:
Hiphopboppertybop99 · 02/10/2022 21:48

I agree with some PPs just ask him how he feels now. Does he still see you as a casual relationship given all the contact he initiates. Be prepared that he may still feel the same.
But you are perfectly entitled to reassess your own feelings and I think if you are looking for a LTP then you need to stop contact with this fella. Hope everything works out for you

Carproblem · 02/10/2022 21:57

It's only been a few months.
If you're seeing each other 1-2 times a week it's not much time together.
He might be a slow mover!
He might on the other hand be a time waster.

It's time for a proper chat isn't it.

Cw112 · 02/10/2022 22:02

He's been clear with you on what he wants and his boundaries. Don't read more into it than that or you'll end up disappointed. If that becomes difficult to do then you need to cut your contact and move on for your own sake.

Forfrigz · 02/10/2022 22:21

Cw112 · 02/10/2022 22:02

He's been clear with you on what he wants and his boundaries. Don't read more into it than that or you'll end up disappointed. If that becomes difficult to do then you need to cut your contact and move on for your own sake.

Verbally yes he's been clear but it doesn't seem fair to say you want something casual and then proceed to want lots of attention every day. It's called having your cake and earing it.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/10/2022 22:37

OP, you see him once ever 7-14 which is very cadual yet he tects every day.

Just stop replying. Don't offer any explanation other than busy.

You owe him nothing.

I would find his texting every day a PITA.

He is imposing on your head space.

Put him in his place.
You should stick to texting to make arrangements mainly.

You are being slightly played IMO.

Don't waste your time, he's filling a space that will stop you continuing to look around.

Don't be used.

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