For thinking SAHMs are making themselves financially vulnerable

[PeasOff]

Would or do you depend on your partner financially?

Do you have a backup in place in case of breakup or for your retirement?

[PinkPair]

It really depends on the career/qualifications the woman has and the length of time she is a SAHM.

I have a couple of friends who have careers which were fairly easy to get back into. They gave up work when their second child was born and went back to work when the child went to school, initially part time. So they were out for 5 years which is quite different from someone who's been out of workplace for 12 years and skills need updating.

But they were both in situation that if their marriage had broken down they could have got back into reasonably well paid jobs quite easily

[MrsWolfyWoo]

@PandoraP

Not sure. Being a man married to a SAHM also leaves you financially vulnerable. I have male friends who wanted their wives to work, they didn’t. This partly contributed to the divorce and they had to move out of the family home and support the wife to live in the home until the kids are 18. I tell my boys to marry girls who want to work!!

My husband is still paying the mortgage for his ex until youngest child is 18- plus he pays maintenance.We as a result live in a tiny place as he can’t get another mortgage as he is already on one in a house which he can’t live in.

[MrsSchrute]

@Suprima

I can walk into my well paid profession any time I want.
I am married.
I’ll be using my time to upskill and am going to be going back to my postgraduate studies now I have ‘the time to do it’.
My husband values everything I do at home.
We are very financially comfortable.
I have no fears for my retirement.

Why the fuck would I lose these years with my tiny baby? If he leaves me, I can just go back to work. Whatever. If he leaves me when I’m old, I will be able to do elements of my profession part-time and will have a property to live in.

I would feel very differently if I was a SAHM due to not being able to offset the cost of childcare, not married, my boyfriend was a twat and we had to pinch pennies. And if I had no vocation.

There are plenty of situations where being a SAHM does make you vulnerable. But for many, you are secure enough to deal with the risk of relationship breakdowns.

Similar situation here.

8 years at home, two children later, just about to go back into a job that is within school hours, more senior, and pays more than before I stopped working.

And even if things hadn't worked out like they have, I would not have wanted to give up those early years with my DC.

The way I see it, everything comes with a cost, I just chose to lose out financially but gain stress free time with my DC rather than visa versa.

My DH and I were very much in agreement and value each other's contributions, we are a team.

I also recognise that people make different choices for very valid reasons that work out well for them. Which is as it should be.

[MrsWolfyWoo]

I think the crux of this is - are they married or not. If not married and not on mortgage and can’t prove they have contributed money to mortgage it leaves women hugely vulnerable.

Also of course SAHM have less pension entitlement.

[ancientgran]

@Dinosauratemydaffodils

If you were on minimum wage job pre kids then surely you can get minimum wage job post kids

I've been out of work 7 and a half years (not intended but I had postpartum psychosis and then undealt with trauma bit me hard). In that time I've done a load of voluntary work, improved /kept my IT skills uptodate and gained another degree as well as just getting a distinction in an OU course which interested me. Can't get a minimum wage job though.

On the positive side I have a civil service pension and a private one plus access to all dh's money as well as some inherited money of my own but it's frustrating.

When we moved to a different part of the country I was 40 and just finished maternity leave. I signed on with a temp agency and got offered permanent jobs from my first two assignments. Accepted one and worked there for the next 20 years. Started at quite a low salary but ended up as a senior manager on good enough money that I worked part time.

Doing some temping might be a way into a decent job for you, hope that might be helpful.

[ancientgran]

It's a choice and when you make a choice it will come with consequences. I always worked, didn't have much option, but I can see why women choose to be a SAHM if it is doable for their family.

[AntlerRose]

I'm financially dependent on my husband and I work. I also depend on him looking after our child with SEN so i can go to work as there is no childcare and he is only in school 12 hours a week. We are both either at work or with our son.

[LimpBiskit]

People's financial situations vary significantly. Some women are vulnerable and others not. This has been talked to death already.

[TeenDivided]

I can't imagine the pressure on the working parent to be the sole provider of income (most SAHP don't have partners earning six figures) and I don't see how that can be healthy for a relationship. Looking after your own children is not comparable to working (believe it or not us working parents also have to look after our kids, clean the house, do the shopping etc etc)

But Having a SAHP also reduces stress as there is someone there when children are ill, and in the summer holidays, and to get jobs done in the week freeing up more relaxing time at the weekend.

Each to their own to do what works best for them / hat they feel they need to do.
Let's let people make their own choices.

[Suprima]

I can walk into my well paid profession any time I want.
I am married.
I’ll be using my time to upskill and am going to be going back to my postgraduate studies now I have ‘the time to do it’.
My husband values everything I do at home.
We are very financially comfortable.
I have no fears for my retirement.

Why the fuck would I lose these years with my tiny baby? If he leaves me, I can just go back to work. Whatever. If he leaves me when I’m old, I will be able to do elements of my profession part-time and will have a property to live in.

I would feel very differently if I was a SAHM due to not being able to offset the cost of childcare, not married, my boyfriend was a twat and we had to pinch pennies. And if I had no vocation.

There are plenty of situations where being a SAHM does make you vulnerable. But for many, you are secure enough to deal with the risk of relationship breakdowns.

[WatermelonSugarSigh]

I agree it's a more vulnerable position to be in. It's what I did when I had my children though, and I wouldn't change it for the world. The time with them when they were babies/toddlers is really precious to me.

I went back to work when the eldest was 6 and the youngest 4, when I split up with my abusive ex husband. I was 30 at the time- I think because I was relatively young when I had the kids, and only had a rubbish job before having them, it wasn't too bad for me. Young enough to start again basically. Almost 4 years on I'm now in a really good job, earning good money etc. I'm only 34 so feel I'm not doing badly at all and have time to make up for it.

I suppose when thinking about it, tangling up lives/finances with another person makes anyone more vulnerable. It's not something I wish to repeat.

[Dinosauratemydaffodils]

If you were on minimum wage job pre kids then surely you can get minimum wage job post kids

I've been out of work 7 and a half years (not intended but I had postpartum psychosis and then undealt with trauma bit me hard). In that time I've done a load of voluntary work, improved /kept my IT skills uptodate and gained another degree as well as just getting a distinction in an OU course which interested me. Can't get a minimum wage job though.

On the positive side I have a civil service pension and a private one plus access to all dh's money as well as some inherited money of my own but it's frustrating.

[hattie43]

I would never leave my financial security to a man . Relationships can fail in the blink of an eye and tbh I think it puts too much pressure on one person to be the sole breadwinner . Resentment can build up and what if he can't work eg illness or wants a sabbatical or is made redundant.
Women who don't look after themselves financially can end up impoverished into retirement aswell

[RufustheFloralmissingreindeer]

Yes i do depend on my husband financially and I haven’t a backup

long marriage (so far) so would do ok after a divorce but I would be working full time in a minimum wage job moving forward

[prepared101]

Yes, particularly those who are unmarried but you know.. 'common law' and all that made up shit

Personally I can't imagine anything worse than being a SAHP for reasons which would undoubtedly offend most SAHP so so I won't share them but primarily working gives me financial independence.

I can't imagine the pressure on the working parent to be the sole provider of income (most SAHP don't have partners earning six figures) and I don't see how that can be healthy for a relationship. Looking after your own children is not comparable to working (believe it or not us working parents also have to look after our kids, clean the house, do the shopping etc etc)

[Allmarbleslost]

Why don't you search for one of the many thousands of threads that have already been done on this topic op?

[SunnyNunny]

@dreamingofsun

If you were on minimum wage job pre kids then surely you can get minimum wage job post kids? Not saying its going to make you rich but if thats what you were going to earn whilst bringing kids up, i'm not sure it makes any difference? Think you are referring to people who give up high earning careers

But this is one of the big problems people on this site seem to face that it's 'not worth' them working cause they only earn minimum wage. Neglecting to realise that if they had continued to work five years later there is a high chance they could have secured promotions, gained significant experience and no longer be in a position to only be earning minimum wage. Plus have contributed to their own pension.

[TeenDivided]

It is much more of an issue if the SAHP isn't married to the partner they are dependent on.

[PandoraP]

Not sure. Being a man married to a SAHM also leaves you financially vulnerable. I have male friends who wanted their wives to work, they didn’t. This partly contributed to the divorce and they had to move out of the family home and support the wife to live in the home until the kids are 18. I tell my boys to marry girls who want to work!!

[TartanGirl1]

If it is so boring why engage?

[KosherDill]

@Bowtique

I really don’t get it either.

So many marriages break down, so many men are arses.

I also think women (& men) need educating as to what the workplace looks like after you’ve taken 5,10 years out. IME people think they can take a ‘career’ break to be a SAHM. Intending to go back and telling their DP they’ll go back and contribute financially to the family pot again. Lovely in theory but getting back into most careers is nigh on impossible as skills and tech moves on.

Agree with this. The downsides outweigh the advantages.

[ChicCroissant]

Yes, I have been a SAHM. Believe it or not, some of us do plan for the future!

I have a pension from my previous employment (older mum) and have returned to work full time to boost my state pension, also paying into new works pension. Very long marriage, so any split would pretty equal.

[sydenhamhiller]

Yes, I think you are right. Luckily, after a break of 13 years as a SAHM I could step right into teaching… <thank you recruitment and retention crisis>

[dreamingofsun]

If you were on minimum wage job pre kids then surely you can get minimum wage job post kids? Not saying its going to make you rich but if thats what you were going to earn whilst bringing kids up, i'm not sure it makes any difference? Think you are referring to people who give up high earning careers