Lone woman - weirdo?

[Fireatseaparks]

I'm a single woman without children (undecided but leaning heavily towards not having them as I've never felt 'the urge' or met anyone I could see myself having them with - of course that's assuming I have the choice at all, which I don't know having never tried).

(Before anyone asks, I'm one of the many thousands of Mumsnet users who aren't mums but who use the site for the non-parenting topics!)

My problem is this: I never noticed this when I was younger, but since my late twenties/early thirties, I've started to feel out of place going to cafes, wandering around markets etc. on my own, particularly at weekends when everyone seems to be part of a family.

I do have friends, but they are busy with their own families so things have to be pre-arranged, plus I do enjoy having plenty of time by myself.

Anyway, I was looking through some old family photos, and saw pictures of young me with my parents in some really beautiful places - places that I wouldn't even think to go now.

There was one of me looking into a rock pool somewhere when I was about seven. I'd love to go and look in rock pools now, but I can't shake the feeling that a lone woman A) would look weird peering into rock pools by herself and B) I'd be scared of slipping or getting caught by the tide or something without anyone around to help.

There was another one of me standing on a big rock I'd climbed in a national park somewhere. As above, I'd love to go and do that but same as above, I'd feel completely out of place.

This feeling of being separate from society seems to be growing as I get older. There have been times when I've been sat at a table in a cafe at the weekend and I'm the ONLY one by myself in there. I feel like some sort of deviant, like I'm encroaching on other people's family space. I only go to cafes during the week now, when it's somehow more 'acceptable' and expected for people to be on their own.

I know this is my own problem and people probably don't really look at me and think 'is she alone, what a weirdo, why is she here' and even if they DID I shouldn't let it bother me. In other aspects of my life I'm confident and not overly bothered by opinions, but in this area, I can't seem to shake it.

I don't know, I just sometimes feel like I'm a hanger-on on the outskirts of society. I know i need to get a grip and I appreciate if much rather be in this position than in an unhappy relationship or with children I can't cope with and I do count my blessings.

I'm just wondering if anyone else understands this feeling really?

[irene88]

Hi! I'm in a relationship but I also enjoy going to places on my own, especially cafes and parks! Maybe I'm the odd one out here, but when I see someone hanging out on their own with a book or their music or whatever else they're doing, in the park or in a restaurant, I think 'this person knows how to have fun', maybe because nothing screams self-love to me like a woman lying on the grass by herself with a cup of coffee and a book.

If safety is a concern though, that I understand and maybe if you're going somewhere where you might be by yourself (no other people around) in potential danger of harm, maybe that's somewhere you could go with a group of people or a friend.

[Louloubelles]

When my kids were young, literally the best thing I could think of was to be able to sit in a cafe and read a book by myself. I used to fantasise about it constantly. Most people aren’t thinking about others, they’re wrapped up in their own everyday stuff. Do what makes you happy and remember that all those family groups and couples have all sorts of things going on beneath the surface in their lives. Some of them are looking at you in envy.

[ArabellaScott]

I went travelling once alone. It was a bit awkard and tricky t first, I'll be honest, I felt odd being in restaurants etc alone. (Take a book). And I did get some people having odd reactions (pity/approaches from men). But after a few days I got very used to it and loved the freedom. I also met people I don't think I would have had I been in a group. Takes a bit of bravery, but it was a great experience.

Rough Guides used to do a 'women travel' book that was lots of accounts of solo women travellers.

[CrocodilesCry]

I really doubt anyone would really notice that you're alone! And if they did they certainly wouldn't think it weird.
I go loads of places alone, especially at this time of year when DP is working seven days a week. I don't think twice about it and can't imagine anyone else does either.

[headspin10]

I feel really sad reading your post, you have no reason whatsoever to feel like a weirdo or loner. It's awful that society can make you feel like that.

In my experience, 99% of people are way too wrapped up in their own lives to notice other peoples situations, let alone care. I would be the busy mum in the cafe, but I'd be dreaming of your chance to sit there alone and quiet with a book and a nice coffee, no one else to put first!

It is a great thing to be alone and strong and living the life you want. Just keep focused on what makes you happy and do that. Please try not to worry about other peoples opinions. You can't please all the people all the time, our life is our own to enjoy.

[ArabellaScott]

@Mediumred

Please go and look in the rock pool and stand on the big stone, you deserve to have your space and freedom just as much as any family and don’t feel constrained by society’s expectations (which I don’t think society does want you to hide away but we can sometimes feel like that).

100%

[Frozentoes2]

I have a partner and a child but I frequently go for walks or to the cafe on my own for a break or some me time!! It honestly didn’t even occur to me I should feel weird about doing this. Probably because I’m around my family so much that any me time is seen as a genuine luxury, not something to be self conscious of!

[Tigger1895]

You say you are afraid you’d fall into the rock pool, it sounds like you might have a bit of anxiety. Maybe talk to someone in relation to this.

[Kellymumto2]

Please go and do those things and don’t worry about how you look!
I have a partner who lives far from me and two children, in the few times I am child free, I love my own company and I often go to the cinema, on a long hike, sit on the beach, take selfies at the top of big hills (sometimes there are rocks!) take myself to the zoo, anything that takes my fancy. Sometimes I do things with my kids and then return to do them alone to get more out of them, kids have a tendency to rush!! I’ve never even considered wether I look like a weird female doh f them alone and you shouldn’t either!

[Roo4u]

I feel the same at times my family has grown and left now im alone and like to go out and about im thinkin next year taking holidays by myself sad it may seems but ill enjoy myself

[Spaceshiphaslanded]

You know, you can just do this all - it really doesn’t matter what other people think (if anyone even does think this). If you do want to feel not alone - I can recommend a dog. A big one what will love these adventures :-)

[Chloeblue]

I love running and walking/ hiking alone. A few years ago I joined a hiking club but didn't like the constant small talk and chat, missing out on the beautiful scenery. I'm back to hiking alone now and I prefer it.

[notafriggingain]

Take it from someone who almost died this year... go stare at rock pools do whatever the hell you want and enjoy every second of it!

[SequinsandStiIettos]

Hi OP
I know exactly what you mean and felt it when I was younger - came from the ''billy-no-mates'' trope, being self-conscious and feeling lonely/let down/unpopular/without a tribe.
I think the beauty of ageing is that it is absolutely freeing in that I know full well I am now invisible to everybody, I probably always was as others have got their own things to worry about and that I no longer have any fucks to give.
I would eat a meal on my own, go to the theatre or cinema alone and go to a gig alone without a second thought now. Make sure I had my phone/something to read in an interval but wouldn't feel like I did in my younger days.
I would also (had I not got caring responsibilities) think nothing of joining a water aerobics class, an evening course or hiking group. Meet and talk to others within that context for as long as I attended. See what came from it but happy just to be.
I am now happy with myself and happy just being. The only thing that irks is the Xmas ads with all these family-friend laden tables but I am also pragmatic and know that those and all the beautifully curated social media entries don't always reflect reality.
Make 2022 your year. Do things for you. Nobody is giving us more than a passing thought, honest, and often not even that.

[EightWheelGirl]

Why don’t you try and get a boyfriend? You don’t need to have kids.

[SallyWD]

I understand why you feel like that. Our society places a lot of emphasis on families and couples - as if this is what people should aspire to. However, I really don't think it's odd to do things by yourself. I've always loved time alone. I go to the cinema restaurants, gigs, cafes, parks etc by myself. I often walk in the beach by myself or drive to beauty spots. It's normal and natural for me. By the way, I do have a family but love time alone! I see lots of people do similar things on their own. It's not weird.

[CambsAlways]

If I felt like you are feeling op, I would not hesitate on doing all the things you would love to do, and what’s more I certainly wouldn’t be concerned how it would look to others. Simply as what other people think doesn’t bother me in the least, I don’t live my life wondering what other people would think it never enters my head, also there’s not law in not wanting to have children, you do what you feel is right for you love, and good luck x

[Doomscrolling]

I never see solitary women as weirdos or strangfe for being out in public! Go have fun and live your best life, OP!

Now my children are older they aren't interested in rock pooling but I still love it. They leave me to it and go to the funfair and arcades while I'm there with my phone and wildlife book taking photos and trying to identify what I find.

I go to the cinema on my own, and the theatre. I often meet other women and we'llk chat over a drink but if not, I enjoy doing my own thing. I accepted that my family and I have diverse interests and not one of us sholuld be dissuaded from persuing them just because it doesn't appeal to the others.

For the hiking/national parks, there are loads of walking groups etc where people go to these places together.

[Somersetlady]

I love to do things on my own and get away from my family

Regularly go away with just my horse and never notice anyone behaving oddly to me

When working away do all sights/ museums etc alone and love it

Have even been to see shows on Broadway solo.

Stop thinking about it and enjoy the moment

[vodkacat]

@Fireatseaparks

I'm a single woman without children (undecided but leaning heavily towards not having them as I've never felt 'the urge' or met anyone I could see myself having them with - of course that's assuming I have the choice at all, which I don't know having never tried).

(Before anyone asks, I'm one of the many thousands of Mumsnet users who aren't mums but who use the site for the non-parenting topics!)

My problem is this: I never noticed this when I was younger, but since my late twenties/early thirties, I've started to feel out of place going to cafes, wandering around markets etc. on my own, particularly at weekends when everyone seems to be part of a family.

I do have friends, but they are busy with their own families so things have to be pre-arranged, plus I do enjoy having plenty of time by myself.

Anyway, I was looking through some old family photos, and saw pictures of young me with my parents in some really beautiful places - places that I wouldn't even think to go now.

There was one of me looking into a rock pool somewhere when I was about seven. I'd love to go and look in rock pools now, but I can't shake the feeling that a lone woman A) would look weird peering into rock pools by herself and B) I'd be scared of slipping or getting caught by the tide or something without anyone around to help.

There was another one of me standing on a big rock I'd climbed in a national park somewhere. As above, I'd love to go and do that but same as above, I'd feel completely out of place.

This feeling of being separate from society seems to be growing as I get older. There have been times when I've been sat at a table in a cafe at the weekend and I'm the ONLY one by myself in there. I feel like some sort of deviant, like I'm encroaching on other people's family space. I only go to cafes during the week now, when it's somehow more 'acceptable' and expected for people to be on their own.

I know this is my own problem and people probably don't really look at me and think 'is she alone, what a weirdo, why is she here' and even if they DID I shouldn't let it bother me. In other aspects of my life I'm confident and not overly bothered by opinions, but in this area, I can't seem to shake it.

I don't know, I just sometimes feel like I'm a hanger-on on the outskirts of society. I know i need to get a grip and I appreciate if much rather be in this position than in an unhappy relationship or with children I can't cope with and I do count my blessings.

I'm just wondering if anyone else understands this feeling really?

I’m a single parent, have been for many years, when I first became that I felt the same about being a single parent- eventually I embraced it and thought it was better than the family’s arguing! Child is a Teenager now so now I go places alone.
If I seem you alone doing the things you mentioned I would think look at her living her best life! I would probably chat to you.

[cherish123]

I am married with DC but often have lunch out alone. I do enjoy it. Normally it's fine but recently I told the waitress I was dining alone and she said, "really!"

[Alexbob]

Go look in the rock pools and stand on the top of hills and enjoy it! I don't think it's weird at all - if I see another lone woman looking in rock pools or standing on a hill, all I'm likely to think is "there's a kindred spirit".

FWIW I'm married with a kid now but have always been a bit of a loner and actually miss just pottering about on my own. Doing stuff on my own is a treat now. Few things make me happier than a bit of time on my own up a hill or just staring at a bird or a seashell or something.

[Vynalbob]

Occasionally people have these out of place thoughts (bit like imposter syndrome but in leisure time). Cure, in my opinion (experience) is to actively ignore it or better imagine it to be a fun sucking annoying goblin and tell it to get F.... g Stuffed (maybe to yourself though- although I've occasionally said it out loud).

Go forth and enjoy, hardly anyone is sad enough to judge.

[Ddot]

Dont be afraid I'm used to it now but really appreciate the mobile phone. I used to take a book with me so I wouldnt get bothered by men but now I'm oldish I dont bother, men don't notice me anymore. If I want to do something I just do it.

[TheRemotePart]

Haha OP I know exactly that feeling!
I used to say to DH “ we look like child/dog snatchers” if we went any “family “ places , as we had neither!