to tell my secrets before i leave mumsnet

[abouttoleave2021]

Im going to deactivate my account soon so thought perfect time to tell someone about my life
Im 29 married with 4 kids. I hate my life.
my whole life is about my children due to having no family support and a piece of shit husband. i never get a break not even for a few hrs. My husband stays indoors all the time. He does wfh but hasn't set foot out the door in 2 wks. This has been a longterm issue that ive given up on. I wish i could leave him but i don't want to be more alone. I have no family or friends and im overweight and no man looks at me so id stay single all my life. I love my kids but Im trapped.

[Vallmo47]

Here to listen, not to judge OP.

[Bellend101]

Please don't deactivate. And please understand that while you're scared of being alone, there is nothing worse than feeling alone when you're with someone. I split with my ex after a very controlling and miserable relationship, he then guilted me into staying friends for five years until he met someone else. Again, everything had continued to be under his control, IE I decided the relationship was over but he decided when that became reality. Since he met this girl I have stopped smoking, lost a load of weight and been able to focus on just DS and myself. I can make plans and not consider him, if he tells DS he is coming over I say "Are you? Have you asked my permission to come to my house?" Don't get me wrong, he can pop in to see him (also has him two nights a week) but it's the expectation that he can show up whenever he wants that I nipped in the bud.
Also, don't focus on meeting someone new. Focus on YOU. Find yourself again. It's ok to do things for yourself. I don't have friends that I see often (I'm talking years in between some of them) and am home alone with DS five nights a week (the other two I work the late shift while his dad has him). But I can watch what I want, I can go to bed when I want, I can wear what I want, I can take three hours (when DS is in bed) to fanny about with my makeup collection before giving myself a facial and not be judged for having this as a hobby. I don't have to focus on anyone but DS and I and honestly, it feels fucking amazing.
Do I sometimes look at my friends and think it would be nice to be with someone like they are? Of course, I get twinges at times. Then I see their partners sitting playing video games while they're running around doing everything and I'm brought back to the reality of just how fucking fabulous it feels to be "alone". I don't miss sex because it was rarely consensual with ex and I've never met a man who could do more for me than I can do for myself 🤷
Leave him and start your journey, OP.
Basically, leave him, not us.

[fourminutestosavetheworld]

There's nothing more lonely than a miserable marriage. From personal experience I can tell you that being single is infinitely better, and you get time to yourself when the kids go to him. Post in Relationships and you'll get loads of advice about how to leave. Don't live the next 60 years in abject regret.

[CaptainMyCaptain]

@notangelinajolie

Why have you had children with someone you perceive as a piece of shit?

Really unhelpful as there is nothing OP can do about this now and I'm sure she loves all her children.

[lannistunut]

[Neapolitanicecream]

To not leave the house for weeks can be a sign of mental health issues. He needs to seek help as well.

[Threewheeler1]

Another one saying don't go yet OP.
Stay a bit longer and talk.
It sounds hard and lonely for you but you are still young and so much can change for the better.
There will be lots of posters who've been through similar & might be able to advise you. Don't give up yet x

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

Thanks for reaching out, OP. You have so much time ahead of you to steer your life in a new direction. There is support out there (and here!).

And can I just say it warms my heart to see the lovely responses of other posters.

[AtticusHoysAnus]

I'd ask to get this moved over to relationships and stick around for a bit.

[Italiangreyhound]

Stay and talk. Find your own path and find what you love. You are so young, you should be happy. Good luck.

[avamiah]

I hope OP is ok but apart from reporting this to MN there is nothing we can do .
Any thoughts ?

[CheeseBeansToast]

Sorry this probably is the shittest advice.
But Gal you have got this, follow your heart and be happy.
You're a young woman not that that matters. But you will succeed.
It will feel hard perhaps at first but in a few months time the pain heals

[QueenBee52]

@abouttoleave2021

Please don't leave... stay.. talk..

let us support you

[Bythemillpond]

Friend divorced her abusive husband.
Apart from losing the 14 stone piece of shit ex. Since her divorce in November of last year she has lost a further 6 stone and started dating again.

Not having to listen to him relentlessly putting her down and being on guard about what would set him off she felt calm instead of stressed.
Cortisol has a lot to answer to in weight gain.

[Mamanyt]

This may be one of the most important things I have ever said on Mumsnet...It is easier to be lonely when you are alone. The harshest pain is being lonely with someone who should be there for you.

Think twice before leaving. There is some support to be had here.

[notangelinajolie]

Why have you had children with someone you perceive as a piece of shit?

[Anordinarymum]

Oh and one other thing... I wish I had Mumsnet when I was in my bad place. I would have done things differently. He walked all over me and I let him because I wanted him gone. He threatened me and I believed him.
If I had had good advice I would not have just given in. I would have done more and not let him take everything and leave me with nothing.
I had children to think about and felt like you do and he knew this and took advantage. I had no-one to talk to and no one to help or give advice.
I should have gone to see a solicitor, I realise that now. You don't have to settle for a shit life. And you are 29? You are still young, and you owe it to yourself and your children to do something about it.

[Anordinarymum]

Why deactivate your account?
You have an awful lot on your plate and no support but you can vent on here and listen to women who have been where you are now and what they did.
You still have options. You still have choices, and you still matter even if you feel so worn down that you think you do not.

I have been in a bad place and thought I could not do anything about it but I did and now I am glad I did or I would be stuck now in a horrible marriage with a horrible man living half a life.

Don't leave just yet

[MadCattery]

You can be beautiful and desirable even if you are overweight. You can be happy, fun, magnetic, a great friend, an awesome mother-even overweight. Weight does not define us. But, you have to believe in yourself and when you are in an unhappy relationship, it feels like you’ve fallen into an abyss and it’s too hard to climb out. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Make changes in your life, work on either your marriage or your escape, and please, believe in yourself. Stay with mumsnet. The support here can help you change your life.

[PastMyBestBeforeDate]

Actually it sounds like the ideal time to arrive on the Relationships part of MN. What have you got to lose? Apart from a piece of shit

[Ohdofuckofdear]

OP please don't think that your life has to stay like this because it really doesn't have to be.

I was a single mum to 4DC when I met my now DH,I had been treated appallingly before I met my DH and we've been together for 15 years now and apart from my 5DC he is the best thing that's ever happened to me,we've gone onto have our DD13 together and my DH is Dad to all 5 of our DC and Gandad to our amazing little Grandson.

It is not to late I met my DH just before I turned 31 and I am so glad that I took the chance he's helped me show our 5DC what a normal and loving relationship should look like,If I'd stayed with my ex husband that relationship I'm sure would have scarred my DC emotionally.

If you geel guilty don't! You would be leaving an unhappy marriage for your DC'S sakes as much as for your own.

[MojoMoon]

You already are alone, it seems.

Leaving may be liberating. And opens the door to new adventures and experience, be those making friends, learning new things, living in a new area, getting a new job and possibly meeting a much nicer partner

[toocold54]

Nothing will change if nothing changes.

Love this!!

I wish i could leave him but i don't want to be more alone.

This is your main issue.
Why are you afraid to be alone?
Surely you’re already alone anyway but at least you have more control over your life if you didn’t live with him.

If he’s not been outside for 2 weeks that’s really unhealthy and I would say he’s suffering from some type of depression or even agoraphobia.

I have you spoken to him about how you feel?
I think this is the first step as you both sound unhappy and could try and come to some kind of arrangement where you both make more of an effort. If this doesn’t work then you need to make plans to leave/ask him to leave even if it’s just a break at first.

If you are overweight you probably feel rubbish about yourself which if you’re anything like me leads you to overeat to self harm increasing your weight and making you feel more crap about yourself.
Put an end to that cycle.
You don’t lose weight over night but you could do small things like dying your hair or painting your nails to make yourself feel better.
When you start liking yourself more it is easier to start loosing weight.


It sounds very overwhelming but I promise small steps will lead to big changes.
Decide what you want and come on here and get some advice.
We will be with you every step of the way.

[JaneyGotAGun]

Nothing will change if nothing changes.

Sending you good luck op

[blobblob]

Don't leave MN. It does have a lot of practical advice and knowledable posters who will help you to leave - which you have to do.

And 29! you have a great life ahead of you. It could be an adventure - even though you just feel defeated now. You'll be ok.