To worry I have made the wrong decision for dd?

[coffeebeanzmeanz]

So today dd13 went for her first visit to secondary with her class (well the ones who chose the same school)

She hated it! She thought it was too big. Too many ppl, etc etc One of her BFF's is going to another school in the opposite direction which is smaller but We thought the bigger school would be better for dd as she can be quite shy and We thought it would be good to broaden her mind and social life a bit.

Now I feel like I have made the wrong decision? Should I see if I can swap or stick to the decision we made?

[bitheby]

I literally went from a school where there weren't enough children per year for separate forms so two years were joined together in each form to a secondary school of about 1500. And I was autistic and very shy.... and it was totally fine.

As I said earlier in the thread, moving to a smaller school a few years later was much worse as I couldn't find people like me and never fitted in.

[KarmaStar]

Try to change.
Yabu.
Not sure I understand your reasoning behind putting a shy child into a much bigger school it will overwhelm her.

[stickygotstuck]

It feels like a massive decision, doesn't it OP?

I totally agree with this from a PP - I also went from a very small private primary to a huge state secondary school. I loved it! Because when I was in primary school if you were not one of the “cool” kids there was no way to escape hell, while in the huge secondary school I found other kids like me that embraced me as I was

I know it sounds counter-intuitive, like may PPs show, but small is not always better for shy/quiet kids. We sent DC to a tiny primary (80 total) because she was quiet and that turned out to be a mistake, so we have now gone for a larger secondary (ar 1200).

Don't underestimate the value of relative anonimity in a larger place if you are quiet. I thrived at my massive secondary. My DC is thriving at her large one. Of course you know your daughter best (no pressure! ), but if you thought 'it would do her good' you said, it probably will.

I'd give it a good go (the whole of year 1), then reassess.

Good luck with your decision!

[Nat6999]

Ds went to a large secondary school & really struggled after coming from a 1 class per year primary. He was horrifically bullied, started refusing to go to school & is still suffering the effects at 17, he is still under psychology & waiting for a psychiatric assessment. That said he is now in the sixth form which is in a separate building & much smaller class sizes & is thriving despite his mental heath problems.

[FlyNow]

I'd stick it out for now. If you decide to change though, don't do it on the basis of being with the friend. Within weeks if not days they will have found new groups of friends. And that's good, you wouldn't want to be spending all your time throughout high school with just one person.

[pinkmagnolias]

My children are still a few years off secondary but the options for primary were a school with 350 v a school with 900+. My heart sank at the thought of my eldest going to a large school which had a good reputation but I thought its facilities would be better and it was nearer home. At the last moment, I changed my mind and switched to the smaller school. I have never regretted my decision. The smaller school has the sense of community and care that I hoped for and DC knows children across the school.

I'd choose a smaller school any day over a large one especially as you have said it has good facilities too. The only reason I would choose a large one over a small one is if the small one is single sex as my preference would be co-ed.
A smaller co-ed school would be my ideal.

[Maggiesfarm]

I don't understand what you are saying.

There are cliques in every school, that's part of life. A school with 5-600 pupils is still quite big. I know mine felt big when I went there, I got used to it. Friends are made in and out of school.

The most important thing is for a child to be happy at school.

[WyfOfBathe]

I teach in a school with nearly 2000 students. I previously taught in a much smaller school. There are pros and cons to both, but bigger schools do (generally) offer more options.

Even if both schools offer the same options, if a small school only has 1 class of each, then if there's a clash, your DD would have to drop one. In a larger school, she's more likely to be able to move classes for one and take all the subjects she wants.

Larger schools generally have more resources for subjects such as PE and music, and offer a wider range of trips and extracurriculars. They're also more likely to be able to afford things like dedicated pastoral staff.

Do you know if the larger school splits up students? Where I teach, years 7 and 8 are taught within their houses for everything, so they're only mixing with 1/3 of their cohort.

If you're sure the school is wrong for your DD, look into moving. But I wouldn't rule out the larger school just based on 1 wobbly day in a new environment.

[OuiOuiKitty]

I'm in ireland too and ds started secondary last year. He is quiet and find loudness overwhelming. We too had the choice between 2 large secondary schools and a much smaller one. In the end we went for the smaller one with our sons input. He was the only child from his primary to go there everyone else picked the more local, English speaking schools so I was very worried about how he would settle but I was so pleased with how easily made the transition and am so glad we picked the smaller school.

Were you able to go to parents evenings this year? For us once we went to the parents evenings there was no question that smaller school was the one for ds, the community vibe was so evident vs the larger schools.

[Wife2b]

Broadening social life is overrated, some people prefer a smaller crowd where they feel comfortable and that’s ok. Your daughter will develop social skills as she goes through life but it has to be at her pace. I’d change if you can, your daughter may be more likely to come out of her shell with a smaller but larger than normal crowd as opposed to a large crowd that may terrify her.

[CoisFarraige]

I went with the smaller school (and in my son's case it was even smaller than the 600 one but also in Ireland) and worried that it would be too small. The subject choice was not as broad, but the subjects he was planning to do were all available so didn't make any difference really.
Now with one year to go before finishing, I really think it was the best thing for him and am very happy we went with the smaller one, as is he. It suited his personality.
What I came on to say was I worried so much about whether this was the right decision, but we decided we would give it a year and if he wasn't happy, he could move to a bigger school. Then if he stayed, we would reassess again after Junior Cycle. So whatever you decide, think of it in stages - the decision you make is not for ever. Think of it as a 1 year or 3 year thing. Lots of kids move around schools, and in my son's class they've lost and gained some over the years but all newcomers have got on well. Best of luck!

[BoardingSchoolMater]

A bit more counterbalance. One of mine went from a tiny prep school (9 in his year when he left) to a huge boarding school with 1200 pupils. I had some reservations as we had always chosen small schools for him as that's what he needed - but it was absolutely fantastic for him. He made a handful of really good friends; in a way, having a huge pool of potential friends made it easier for him to find like-minded boys. The school was so well organised that it never felt huge - rather than thinking about the sheer number of pupils, I'd look at which structures are in place for the pupils. Do they have tutor groups? How many per subject group? How many in a form, and what's the form teacher like? (boarding house and house master/mistress, in my children's case - but could equally be a form teacher). What is the procedure if there are problems? How does the school catch children who might slip through the net, either academically or socially? What extra-curricular things can the children get involved with?

I wouldn't, and didn't, worry for a single second about where a child's friends are going. Real friends will stick. They will mostly make other friends once they change schools, even if they swear they are lifelong BFFs. I'm almost at the end of having children at school now, and I have seen this a million times over. There is some drama every year because X's friends follow her to the same school, and are then upset because X drops them because she wants to make new friends and reinvent herself a bit, rather than being stuck with her prep school ones.

[Happymum12345]

Send her to the smaller school if you can.

[blueshoes]

Not sure I agree that smaller is better for shy or introverted people, not that those 2 things mean the same thing anyway.

I am as introverted as they come and big is good because you are not 'on show' and can disappear into the crowd. You are also more likely to find your tribe in a bigger cohort. If you are in a small group, it can feel like a goldfish bowl with no where to turn if you don't take to anyone in that group.

[MimiDaisy11]

Best of luck with the change. I hope she likes the new school if she gets a place. I think either school will be an adjustment.

[SpiderinaWingMirror]

Secondary schools vary in size but regardless of size, most kids will be in forms of 25-30 with a similar number in each lesson. There will be different kids in each class due to sets. They have to get used to finding their way around and how to find their mates at lunch.
So her experience will be broadly similar. Larger schools may run more clubs and groups and she will have a larger pool of people to pick from

[reluctantbrit]

DD went from a 2 form intake. in primary to a 8 form intake in secondary. That's the norm, so unless we would have gone private. it would always be the same size.

She hardly interacts with girls from her old school, they normally are mixed with 2-3 forms, so they have lessons with a range of 60-90 girls, a. bit larger than primary but nothing too big.

We. recently talked to friends who had the choise of a small secondary and a large one. They preferred the large as. it had better. equipped classes for science, PE, music. and languages. More GCSE choices, more after. school clubs, more A-Level courses.

it. can be a shock. to the system but after 3 years. of. secondary, DD is not interested in any cosy/cuddly school, she looks at opportunities, clubs, making friends, devoloping into her own skin. A bigger school can help there. And this comes from a quite shy girl.

[CharityDingle]

Have a niece starting in September, similar to that, choice between small school, and much larger one. She chose the smaller one. I suppose one way of looking at it is, they are not stuck forever with whatever choice they make. Switching is possible, at a later stage, if needs be. One of her older siblings chose the larger school and that has worked for them.
I would listen to her, and see if the smaller school can accept her.
Don't beat yourself up, you were doing what you thought was best.

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

We thought the bigger school would be better for dd as she can be quite shy and We thought it would be good to broaden her mind and social life a bit

Sorry, OP, but that's the worse reasoning ever. Introverts can't be cured of being introverts, and they are more likely to form friendships in an environment in which they feel comfortable.

I'm not saying your DD won't adapt to the school - she might. But you need to give your head a wobble about your attitude to her shyness.

[Tilly9]

Can she visit the smallest school and if she likes it can you put her on the waiting list for it?

[ChubbyLittleManInACampervan]

I’d go with the bigger school

Well, that is what I did with DS who was shy. The smaller school would maybe have been better at the start, but when he got a bit older and found his group of friends, it was clear he would have “outgrown” the smaller school after the first 2 years

Kids change a lot

[viques]

@LittleOwl153

Look at the subject options. Here 600 kids in secondary would lead to limited gcse options and even more limited a level options 1200 would give the kids so many more subject options at 14+
I don't know how the Irish system compares but definately worth a look.

I agree, and in terms of staffing they will have more staff in each subject area, so more input into grading, moderation of results etc, not to mention wider experience . Very important I think in subjects like music, PE , art, and especially sciences.

[Thesheerrelief]

Also in Ireland and went to schools both in the UK and Ireland myself. I'd go with the smaller school if she would feel more comfortable and confident there.

[geologyrocks]

Op, i was in the same predicament with my son this time 4 years ago. We are in ireland too. He wanted to go to a different school and we had geared him up for the one he was going to. It was nearly a natural progression that the original school was the feeder school. We had paid the school fees and the voluntary contribution already. About 600 or so non refundable.

He said every day he didnt want to go to x school he wanted y. He had said it enough i knew it wasnt a passing thought. Basically i rang the school secretary, got the forms.. Put his name down and rang every day or every second day for an update of where he was on the list.

We got a place at the end of that july and he went in the Sept. Such a late offer meant that we missed open day and he didnt get his firat choice in subjects but hey ho.

I suggest ringinf in the morning, fettinf the forms and follow from there. If you are offered the plaxe and chnage your mind so be it but def ring in the morning.

[Crazycakelady17]

[quote coffeebeanzmeanz]@Crazycakelady17 we are In Ireland where they can start school as late as 6.
Dd started at 5.5 and they spend 8 years in primary here. She turned 13 in March. [/quote]
Oh okay that seems a much better system than 11 they start way to young in England
Hope you sort it out for your DD