AIBU to think although I was “ raised “ white I am not white

[Nohugstoday25]

This was a bizzare conversation and it’s left me not really understanding who I am a little bit. I have name changed because it’s very outing.

I am mix raced, biological parents were Jamaican and Scottish.
I have tanned skin, very curly sort of auburn/ red hair and dark freckles with hazel eyes.
I was adopted by my loving parents and 2 siblings who are also white.

Anyway we were discussing a documentary the other day ( member of little mix one ) I said to my friend I empathised with being to dark to be white and to light to be black and she was taken back a bit and said she didn’t understand the issues as I am clearly white .
She said I was raised white ? Can you be raised a colour 😐 she said she reckons I would offend the BAME community if I had spoken out about not having white privilege.
Which by the way I would never have done and I do know I am privileged.
Just for me thinking really AIBU to not class myself as white ?

[DreamingNow]

Does being English also means being white?

[Crabbitcrab]

@Nohugstoday25 if you want to learn more about your heritage you could try asking on blackmumsnet for some advice on where to start learning about jamaican culture. There's a scotsnet too where you could get some info

[ThePlantsitter]

I don't think anybody should tell anyone else whether they are black or white. Nobody knows your background. You basically told her you felt something and she said you didn't! Rude.

[OwlBeThere]

[quote LordOfTheOnionRings]@OwlBeThere That's madness. Some people are very peculiar.[/quote]
Yeah, it was bizarre. He basically said that I couldn’t possibly understand racism as I am white-passing. He decided this from my tiny PP on tiktok. That’s despite the fact I have a very Japanese name, I have monolids and (when it’s not bleached to death) very dark, very straight Asian hair.

[Babygotblueyes]

How you are raised and what colour you are - totally different things and not related.

[Nohugstoday25]

Sorry was on the school run and got caught in the storm.

• I wouldn’t say I would be classed as white passing tbh. I’m trying to think of a comparison but I’m probably slightly more tanned than Meghan Markle but with really big curly aurbun hair, loads of freckles and hazel/ green eyes but I wouldn’t say it looked “ white “

[Nohugstoday25]

I not it.

[Nohugstoday25]

This is the closest I could find on Google, just my hair is slightly lighter / reddish.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Your friend is deluded. Your family may have been white but your lived experience is of being mixed race.

[Nohugstoday25]

My children have a mixed bag of genes 😅 my eldest DS and DD have the same dad one DS is similar to I would say Peter Barlow son in Corrie and then my daughter is more like Tiffany from eastenders 😂 she is what I am guessing people would say is “ white passing “

[Thatisnotwhatisaid]

If we reversed this and a black couple adopted and raised a white child could anyone ever say that child was ‘raised black’. It makes no sense at all, you were raised by white parents but you are not white. Your friend sounds like an idiot.

[Nohugstoday25]

To the comments about I haven’t experienced the same issues due to white parents - you are right in a way. I was very lucky they my parents were able to adopt me and were also able to give me good opportunities in life and I am successful.
However it had its own issues with being “ different “ from your whole family.

[iklboo]

Your friend is a class A wazzock.

[JustKeep]

Yeah your friend is stupid. How good a friend is she? Is it worth talking this through more?

[20wedding19]

Ah all I can say is these threads make me so sad!
My son is half white British and half Nogerian. He is 7 months old and so far so very light skinned, it doesn't change his heritage! I don't really know what to say or have advice for you but it makes me so sad that this is still an issue in general society?!

[JackieTheFart]

[quote DreamingNow]@JackieTheFart, how white do you need to be to look white though? What about the shape of the nose/eyes?[/quote]
If someone has an obvious ethnic identifier (trying to find a way to word it that doesn’t sound odd or offensive!) then it clearly doesn’t apply.

For example, neither Alexa Chung nor Ricky Whittle had typically Chinese or Jamaican look to them, but it’s half their heritage. Alexa Chung is very white passing IMO - if I didn’t know her name I would assume she was 100% white. Ricky Whittle doesn’t have a ‘typically’ black look and could pass for Hispanic of some description. He’s similar in skin tone to the likes of Jennifer Lopez.

You wouldn’t think from looking at me I’m anything other than pure white English, but actually I’m half Greek. My sister however is often taken for a local on holiday.

That’s all I mean.

[JackieTheFart]

@DreamingNow

Would you say the girl on the left is white passing? I would. I don’t think the girl on the right is. I think they’d have different experiences due to their looks.

They are twins. Clearly variations of inherited features differ massively. Doesn’t change the fact that if you met them and didn’t know them, you wouldn’t think the redhead had a black father.

[NeverDropYourMoonCup]

@Ladywinesalot

Maybe your friend meant you had more of a white culture upbringing then a black culture upbringing, if your parents are white and raised you since 2 then it makes sense.

And you would have lots of white privalidge too.
Your comprehension of Wnglish written and spoken is probably better then say someone who was raised by Black Jamaican immigrants.
This would have furthered you in school and in jobs.

That’s just one example.

What?

The Jamaican education system is conducted entirely in English (and based almost entirely upon the English grammar system in the first place). The standards are high most 11 year olds would certainly be able to spell the words English and privilege for a start and are at parity with the UK system in terms of academic rigour.


If you meant to give just one example of ridiculous prejudices, stereotypes and blatant racism, though, you've certainly achieved that.

[nanbread]

Colourism and "passing as white" do seem to make a difference sadly, and maybe that's what your friend was getting at - due to your mixed heritage perhaps you've not experienced much obvious discrimination and have effectively been treated as white?

But that doesn't mean you are white or should be denied your heritage, and like you say it brings its own set of issues.

I would be surprised if you thought about it carefully if you haven't experienced discrimination based on your race as well at some point.

[gottakeeponmovin]

if you look white and have (adopted parents) who are white the presumption would be that you are white and therefore I can't really understand why you think you have suffered from racism? You are obviously entitled to embrace your heritage but why would you be subject to any form of racism if people believe you are white

[lap90]

You're mixed, obviously, regardless of being adopted.

You may, perhaps, be considered 'white-passing' though depending on your appearance.

[FartleBarfle]

It's an interesting topic you have raised. My children have a mixed race father, the same mix as you except Grenadian rather than Jamaican. One of them is dark skinned with curly brown hair and the other is pale with straight white blonde hair. Sometimes people ask if my husband is her father I do expect they might face some different experiences in life based on their looks, even though we put that they are both mixed race on equality forms.

I imagine there will be more and more people this generation that can't be put into the box that previous generations have. I also believe (hope) that racial prejudice will ease over time and that our children won't be subjected to the same experience their granddad had (No dogs, no blacks, no Irish - the windrush generation).

My husband grew up in a detached house in a white middle class leafy suburb - both parents university educated. It didn't mean he had an easy upbringing and didn't face difficulties and prejudice as he grew up, or even now. He also didn't learn much about his father's culture and feels like he missed out on that. He often comments that it's difficult not feeling like you fit in or belong anywhere, as he is seen as white in Grenada and black in the UK. It's very complex and no matter how 'white' your upbringing is, I would still imagine you have faced your own challenges / descrimination even if your parents have been able to protect you and remove some barriers.

So yeah, your friend is thinking of this too simplistically and doesn't understand.

[Alonelonelylonersbadidea]

Of course passing makes a difference to your lives experience! It's facile to not accept this.

Our kids are mixed race. All pass as white and all have been brought up benefiting from the privilege that this brings. I always wondered if one of them had been born dark what it would've been like for them. Strangely I just have very dominant genes.

One Pakistani friend of my eldest daughter (who has red hair, blue eyes and very white skin with freckles) commented when she first met her dad that she couldn't understand and she was irritated. If my daughter had then claimed not to have a white upbringing (nebulous though that may be) and an understanding of her Pakistani friends experience it would have been wrong and offensive in a way.

[Thatswatshesaid]

I have mixed race children. One would completely pass for white and the other wouldn’t. I’m interested to see how they will grow up to view there racial identity. My DP who is mixed race sees himself as mixed rather than one or the other.
Regardless of whether your friend thinks you look white or not its up to you to define your identity not her. It’s also possible to be both mixed race and acknowledge a level of privilege. She sounds extremely offensive and bitchy.

[NellWilsonsWhiteHair]

YANBU. You’re not white, and from your description it doesn’t sound like you like white either. And the experience of being raised as a mixed race child in a white adoptive family definitely doesn’t cancel out your own heritage, although I’m sure it adds a lot of complexity. I think for our parents’ generation people often didn’t have the cultural literacy to navigate transracial adoption in a way that acknowledged and nurtured the child’s heritage - I hope things are at least somewhat better now.

I have to say I think this reflects a bit more on your friend, and that it’s somehow taken her by surprise to think of you as being mixed race.