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AIBU?

To say he has to quit?

38 replies

Notgoingbacktothatlife · 13/05/2021 08:18

NC for this as I don't want it linking to my previous posts.

Backstory so as not to drip feed, DP has a history of alcohol issues. We were at breaking point before the first lockdown, approx 1 week before I said he had to give up alcohol permanently or leave.

He chose to give up alcohol.

DP works in the hospitality sector and yesterday returned to work after 14 months on furlough.

He had a beer after work, he says it's a one off, he says it's just how it is where he works and that's the norm. He can have 1 at work and that's it, he won't drink anymore than that.

I say no chance I'm not going back to a life of sitting here at night while he's at work wondering what state he will come home in and more importantly what he will kick off about! He's not a happy drunk, he's misserable, irritable and generally not very nice to be around.

Sober he's great, attentive to DC, helpful round the house etc.

So wise vipers ......

Tell me AIBU??

OP posts:

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Am I being unreasonable?

249 votes. Final results.

POLL

You are being unreasonable

You are NOT being unreasonable

94%

osbertthesyrianhamster · 13/05/2021 09:51

I think YABU because it all has to come from him, not you telling him what he has to do.

You should have told him to leave, but what you want is for him to be how you like, which is logical, but will never work because he doesn't want to be.

As for you'd rather be on the bones of your arse, well, he doesn't want to be, he wants to work. You're free to end the relationship.

You can't force someone to be how you like, sadly. That's the bottom line. It's like telling someone whom you knew was a smoker when you married them they now have to quit, or someone who hates exercise they now how have to go to the gym with you, or someone you knew was a meat eater that they need to be a vegan.

You can't force a square peg into a round hole.

This is who he is. It doesn't work for you. So you need to end it.

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NewlyGranny · 13/05/2021 09:51

Hard though it might be to cope alone, it will be harder if you have a lapsed alcoholic in the house who is making more work for you. The potential for resentment is just too great, I think.

Why not remind him how good things were when he was sober and suggest he gets into a programme to quit, changing jobs if that helps?

Ultimately, he needs to know he has no more chances and the first time he comes home incapacitated by drink (with you alone as the judge of that) the marriage is over.

Meantime, start getting yourself ready to end things so your plan can swing into action if/when he fails you.

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Notgoingbacktothatlife · 13/05/2021 10:07

Thankyou everyone I am reading your replies, it's full on with the DC today but I will respond properly as soon as I get chance.

OP posts:

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starrynight21 · 13/05/2021 10:15

It is possible to work in such an environment and not drink. My ex was a barman at a defence forces mess - heavy drinking environment . When I told him it was either me or the drink, he went cold turkey and gave up. He told the fellows at work that the doctor had diagnosed a stomach ulcer and that he wasn't to drink alcohol , so he'd have a soft drink. Nobody questioned it after he told them that little lie, To my knowledge he has never had a drink since , about 30 years ago. So it can be done.

Your DH fell at the first hurdle so I'd be sceptical of his intentions.

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osbertthesyrianhamster · 13/05/2021 10:17

It really has to come from oneself, though. Like quitting smoking, gambling, losing weight, etc.

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peboh · 13/05/2021 10:22

The issues with ultimatums, if you keep changing them instead of acting upon the first one, the person will just adapt to the new ultimatum. Nothing actually changes.
He chose alcohol over your relationship. If he changes jobs, that won't change his choice of alcohol. He will just find another excuse to have 'just one' drink.

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EmeraldShamrock · 13/05/2021 10:23

I agree with you, it's a slippery slope.
I wouldn't be willing to go through it again.
He probably should find a new job or move to a morning shift.

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MintyMabel · 13/05/2021 10:35

It's go nothing to do with the job.

Of course it does. Recovering as an alcoholic is as much about avoiding temptation as it is about not succumbing to it. You would have to have an incredibly strong will to be around alcohol all day as an addict and not give in.

If he agrees to quit his job, then that’s a pretty big step. If he doesn’t then he isn’t ready to continue his recovery and make that commitment to his family.

It sounds like he is slipping in to old ways but could avoid that if he is willing.

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ilovemydogandMrObama · 13/05/2021 10:38

Tricky, but some alcoholics, at least in the early stage of abstaining, find it really difficult being around alcohol, so if he isn't managing, he really needs support.

A close friend of mine is a recovering alcoholic, and tbh, I had to have a hard look at my own relationship with alcohol, i.e. wine almost every night, looking at the clock for 5:00 pm as this was the, 'acceptable,' time, etc.

Alcoholism is way more than simply swapping drinks to alcohol free,

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Weirdlynormal · 13/05/2021 10:41

My mum waited at home for 20 years for my father. She finally said it's me or the drink and he's not touched a drop since.

Don't waste your life waiting.

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Notgoingbacktothatlife · 13/05/2021 15:04

@MintyMabel your thoughts seem to be similar to mine in that I firmly believe without the job he could maintain his abstinence he works with a group of lads who frankly are just little boys playing at being men. They make snide jokes about him being henpecked when he refuses a drink, they tell him to be a man and tell me to piss off he deserves a drink after work etc etc ... I've heard them say it when I've been on the phone etc ... But the job is all he's known for 20+ years. He fears trying to retrain at his age

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maymaymayI · 13/05/2021 18:46

Of course it does. Recovering as an alcoholic is as much about avoiding temptation as it is about not succumbing to it. You would have to have an incredibly strong will to be around alcohol all day as an addict and not give in

It does. An alcoholic will always find an excuse to drink if they want to. It's not about avoiding the presence of alcohol, thats bullshit. If you can't be around it and not drink it, you are not a recovering alcoholic, you're just an alcoholic.

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Hont1986 · 13/05/2021 19:15

Abstinence isn't the only solution, although AA has preached it enough that some people believe it's the only thing that works. I'm sure for some people it is, but others can get a handle on their drinking and return to a reasonable amount. You'll know best which your husband is, I suppose.