Need advice please.

[Smoothsoul]

I’ve posted before about a lot of problems with my dd.
• she has a boyfriend who’s smokes and smokes cannabis and cocaine
• her dads house has no rules so she regularly goes there to stay but doesn’t like her dad so prefers here for home comforts
• she has stayed with the boyfriend at his mums house for several months refusing to speak to me.

Things have improved and she is back home but she causes so much trouble. Her room is an absolute mess that I refuse to clean. She cries about it and says she feels unwell in an effort to get me to do it. (She is well at the weekend when she goes to her boyfriend dads to stay who lives over 30 miles away, she travels by train and taxi to get there with no signs of illness)
The clothes she brings back from her boyfriends from the weekend stink and I mean stink of smoke and cannabis which in turn makes my house and her room smell. She doesn’t put them in the wash for days and I’m not doing everything for her - she is nearly 17!

Just now I’m currently sat in livingroom whilst she lays in bed refusing to get up for school. I have a day off work and I’m absolutely sick of this stress in the mornings of her not getting up and making us all late. I won’t leave until she is ready as I know she would just go back to bed if I left her.
I’ve been working non stop 6 days a week for the last 5 weeks and this is my first day off. My heart is thudding and I’m shaking with anger.

I bought heavy duty black bin bags at the shop when I dropped my son off at school as I’m planning on packing up her stuff and dropping it all at her dads. He encouraged this behaviour so can deal with it. Am I being awful?

God knows how I’m going to get her out.

Ps for the record I had very bad dv off her dad so speaking to him is not an option.

[MumW]

I don't think you're being awful - it's an awful position to be in but you need to protect your DS from her influence and protect your sanity.

Just do it. If she then wants to return to living with you, you'll be in a position to give her house rules. Make it clear what your expectations are and follow through if she flouts them.

[Voomster953]

Was it your thread the other day about your daughter who has anxiety and as such refuses to go to school? And she escapes and runs away when you don’t let the boyfriend in? And she’s previously attempted suicide?

[Scarlettpixie]

She is 16. No I don’t think you should throw her out.

[Smoothsoul]

@Voomster953

Similar situation but she threatened suicide to me then I heard saying said she just said it to make me do something.

I’ve tried everything to help her but all she wants to do is stay in bed all day and spending time with her bf smoking weed. I’m feeling like giving up and she doesn’t care.

[Smoothsoul]

@Scarlettpixie

She has just threatened to hit me, wlgrwbbed me and stated shouting at me calling me a slag and she’s glad her dad hit me.
I’m in my car outside my house to get away from her.

[Smoothsoul]

@MumW

She had only just came back in March. She lies one night about where she was going and ended up half way affords the country to see the boyfriend who was living at his dads. She didn’t come home all weekend. She’s came back to my house to live and expects to be waited on hand and foot.

She has gone with one bag. I’m packing the rest of her things and dropping at her dads later but I’ve no idea where she has gone.
Her plan will be to get put in a hotel by the homeless and she will have the boyfriend staying.

[Ahwelltoobad]

Oh, what a nightmare! I have no advice, must be very hard to see her mess up her life like that I hope someone comes along with a magic solution for you Hugs!

[HollowTalk]

She thinks they're going to give her a hotel with her boyfriend? She must be nuts. I really feel for you, OP. It sounds as though there are no boundaries at her dad's house and you are the only person trying to enforce them.

[KD99]

big hugs

[ghostyslovesheets]

I sympathise OP - my eldest was very similar - she used to trash the house in anger, threaten me, refuse to go to college etc - I used to send her to her dads to give us both room (however her dad is not like your daughters and she actually behaves for him - she really craves his approval) - I would suggest VERY calmly explaining what your rules and expectation are of her living with you - go through the very minimum she needs to do (write it down) - so clean room, go to school etc.

Talk to her school - my daughter 6th form where helpful and at least would try and talk to her about her behaviour (it eventually worked but took 12 months).

Take her to your LA Housing department - or St Basils (or similar) and get then to discuss what her options would be - probably hostel accommodation with strict rules (especially about people staying over) and limited facilities - and tote up the cost to her for phone, WIFI, laundry etc - again my daughter worked out she was better off at home!

Always let her know you love her and that your home is her home BUT there are rules and until she can follow them she can't be there.

It's really hard - you sometimes have to let them go so they can grow - my DD1 is almost 19 now - she is living at her dads because exam stress made things unbearable here - her behaviour is so effected by anxiety - but we have a good relationship - I don't think we will every have a huge bond sadly but we are getting closer as she grows up - it's sad but honestly it was like living with a domestic abuser for all of us (I have 2 more children) and it couldn't carry on.

Stay firm - sometimes giving in is easier but it's not always kinder - she needs to know the rules and your boundaries - they grow up eventually!

[ghostyslovesheets]

Her plan will be to get put in a hotel by the homeless and she will have the boyfriend staying

Nope - she will be semi supported accommodation - they are very strict on visitors etc and generally don;t allow over nights.

I also meant to add - you might find Early help/Family support with your LA helpful - she could put herself into care - she's hate that because it means she has people laying down lots more rules! But they should at least be able to offer advice on her options.

[ghostyslovesheets]

she'd not she's

[Smoothsoul]

When she can back in mech I told he all I expected of her;

Keep her room tidy
(She had split with the bf at the time but I’d said I wouldn’t tolerate the smell of cannabis which is now happening again)
Be ready in time in the mornings.

She’s stuck to none of the “rules” and its making me ill with the stress in the mornings. I feel I’ve no option as I can’t have this in my home it’s like living with her dad again.