Need advice about a family situation - TW child death

[Pancakepipsqueak]

This might be outing, but bollocks to it I guess. It's also long - sorry but I didn't want to drip feed.
My son died in 2019. He was nearly 6 months old, and had a heart condition. It was heart breaking, and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Initially, my partner and I completely retreated mentally and physically from nearly everyone in our lives to deal with our grief - we were "lucky" to get 6 months off together, which we spent basically going to therapy and making sure we ate and showered. We live near my family, whereas my MIL and BIL and family live about 300 miles away.
MIL has not been very well mentally and physically for most of my partner's life. My partner has always been a bit of an emotional crutch for her since he was a teenager. Obviously after the death of our son he retreated from this as had to manage his own mental health (and still does - we're both on anti depressants to manage depression, anxiety, PTSD and OCD).
MIL didn't react well to this. She was dealing with the death of her grandson, which triggered her depression and anxiety to another level. From what I understand she had to be admitted for a short period to get it under control. My partner couldn't deal with this and retreated further, only communicating with her via text and the occasional video call (this was supported by our therapist as every time my partner and his mum would talk the effect it had on him was obvious).
On occasion we wouldn't hear from her I would text SIL (BIL wife) to check in that she was ok, but other than that we had to leave them to it for our own sanity.
For a period of about 3 months we didn't hear from BIL at all. I encouraged partner to get in touch and he did, asking BIL how he was. BIL messaged back something to the effect of 'I'll text you when I'm not at work. I was waiting until I wasn't mad at you any more but I guess that's not happening any time soon'. I looked over and my partner was sobbing at his phone at this (this was 6 months after my son died and 2 weeks before his first birthday so it was quite an emotional time anyway).
To summise the exchange - BIL was angry at 'the state his mum was in' and that my partner didn't care about her, and the situation my partner had put him in. My partner was angry, said something to the effect of 'well I'm sorry for taking the time I needed after my son died'. They haven't spoken since.
Since then we've been blessed to have a daughter, who is now nearly 7 months old. Partner speaks to MIL infrequently, with occasional texts. I send her pictures and videos of our daughter regularly.
Partner and BIL have not spoken since September 2019. I've encouraged but the way my partner sees it is he reached out last time and got his head bitten off, and has never received and apology.
MIL has mentioned it to him, usually defending BIL but that just makes partner angry and so she has stopped.
Over this time I had bought cards from BIL, SIL, and nephews and got partner to sign and send them. I also bought and sent Christmas presents for nephews, got partner to write a Christmas card, and printed off pictures of our daughter and our dog to include. I also send SIL regular (monthly ish) videos and pictures on WhatsApp of daughter. I barely ever get a response. I've tried to encourage visiting when it's allowed and staying in a hotel and to see MIL for a walk or meal so she can meet daughter but partner thinks it would be dramatic and awful (it probably would be tbh).
My question is - would you continue as I am? Sending pictures and videos and accepting no response from MIL and SIL? Encouraging partner to write cards? Encouraging visits? I feel a bit like I'm flogging a dead horse sometimes.
So as not to drip feed, I have been accused of 'not having the best relationship' with MIL by BIL. We're very different people but never had a full argument to my knowledge but MIL can be very bitchy (used to bitch about BIL and SIL to us so can only assume she did the reverse back to them). I'm worried that they might be not replying and thinking that I've encouraged partner to cut ties with them when the opposite is true!
If you read all this - thank you!
YABU - leave them to it and stop the messages/cards/mentioning visits
YANBU - continue as you are

[hellywelly3]

They’ve turned your utter heart break into something about them. You don’t need that in your life. You can only reach out so much. Send a Christmas news letter and leave it at that.

[memberofthewedding]

Im so sorry for your loss.

I would take your lead from what DP wants. If this situation is continually upsetting him and dragging him back every time he is on the road to recovery then you both need to step back from his toxic family.

The poster who said to send the "occasional" photo of your DD to the relatives/MIL as though she were a "distant aunt" has a good suggestion. They cannot say you have cut them off or neglected them. But maybe just make it once or twice a year and dont expect anything in return.

I would not attempt to go into deeper explanations as they appear to have somewhat devalued the depth of your grief at the loss of your baby.

[JustSleepAlready]

For your own sanity, just stop. You’ve realised who your real family and friends are during the most heart wrenching painful time in your lives. Just stop now. BIL is hateful because he had to step in and deal with his mum and he didn’t want to. Clearly that was always left to your dh. Get in with your life and adore your daughter every day as you have been. You will get through this. You don’t need people like that in your life.

[oldshoeuk]

Simply put, the horse you are flogging appears to be dead. Keep going at your leisure but nobody else seems to be joining in.

[notalwaysalondoner]

I think you've done the right thing by trying to build bridges after that initial first 6-12 months when you needed to take your own space, but at some point you have to accept that your in-laws clearly aren't interested in a good relationship and are planning to hold a grudge. I have to say, they must be very self-centred to hold grudge against a couple that had just lost a child, but that's not up to you to change. You've done the right thing, but with no responses, now is the time to step back, as long as your DH is happy doing that, as it's his family so it's his final decision (although he could be the one sending the cards/pictures if he wants to continue). I wouldn't make a song and dance about it, just quietly stop sending them, and be open if in a few months/years they want to restart the relationship.

I'm sorry that this happened to you and that they reacted this way.

[LeonaMar]

I’m so so so sorry for what you are going through! I’d take a step back (and I am really sorry, I read it wrong and pressed yanbu but I meant yabu I don’t know how to change my vote)

[Luckingfovely]

You've been through the most horrific thing it is possible to experience, and they have been totally unsupportive.

You don't owe them anything. And this stress must be horrible for you.

I really think you need to let go of these toxic relationships and focus on your own family.

They are never going to be the supportive family you or your DH want them to be, so rather than wasting your time battling it and agonising over it for years to come, make a clean break.

Move on. They are not worth it. Let it and all the stress go, and if they want to make amends in the future, you can deal with that then.

[JackieTheFart]

I can’t believe the breathless cruelty of your BIL to do what he did in the wake of the death of your son.

If it were me, I probably wouldn’t ever speak to him again. I would protect myself and my own family. But it’s your husband’s brother. I agree with others, you need a heart to heart with him to see what he wants. I can imagine even a year later you’re still completely raw from the death of your son.

I’m so sorry that you’ve been through such a terrible time

[ItscoldinAlaska]

I am so sorry about the death of your baby OP. It is utterly shit.

If you still want to communicate with them, for you, so that you are clear that you tried and reassure yourself there aren't putting any barriers coming your way re your DP relationship with his family, I would say to myself 'I am going to send an 'life update pack' once a year with photos, a letter and drawings from your DD. You won't feel any guilt because you are taking action, but you are controlling and minimising the impact they have on you, whilst being secure in the knowledge that you have tried. Then park it until the next 'pack' is due and concentrate on your nuclear family. I really think you've been through enough, you don't need any more difficult times emotionally because of these people.

I had to completely cut off my mums extended family due to their behaviour when I was raped when I was 11, they were abhorrent and made it all about them. I was trying to process a horrific event, a court case, police and social services investigation and being told to manage other adults and children's feelings. Even as a child I knew it was fucked up. Sometimes you have to preserve yourself, you should prioritise that when you have PTSD because survival is so precarious when you experience it

[JackieWeaverFever]

This is so sad I feel so sorry for your poor DH.

The dynamic with the family is totally toxic and dysfunctional. A tonne of FOG (fear obligation guilt) going on...
I think you should follow DH's lead he subconsciously/consciously is going NC and i would stop encouraging or facilitating contact. The fact the letters and contact with them upsets you further says a lot.

Also keep up with the therapy!!!

[jobsagudden]

OP you sound like a lovely person who has gone over and beyond what is expected of them in the most horrific situation imaginable. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby boy.

I think you have done more than enough to try and repair this relationship but there is only so much you can do.

MIL and BIL sound sellfish and inconsiderate. You and your husband have done exactly the right thing in concentrating on getting the help you need. Time for them to come to terms with their own issues. Sod them if they think the relationship issues are anything to do with you.

Good luck to you and your beautiful family of 3.

[EngelbertsRumpispink]

I offer my condolences.

Please stop making an effort with them anymore.
They are more than likely thinking that they are "in the the right"
and think that you are grovelling after them.
They are being smug in not responding.

It's very sad, but the dynamics have changed in the relationship(s)
your DH has with his family.
You tried, but it's time to focus on just yourselves now.

Enjoy your daughter together!
❤︎

[everybodysang]

This is so very sad. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through something so awful and that you couldn't even rely on the support of your DH's family. That's heartbreaking.

My DD was very ill after birth and my DM - who sounds very similar to your MIL - told me how difficult it was for them. It was over Christmas, and they'd arranged to go to a pub for Christmas dinner and apparently they just couldn't enjoy it. It still devastates me to think of that, her making it all about her, yet again. I cannot begin to imagine how you and your DH must feel.

I am very low contact with my DM now. It's very hard but I think it's easier than full contact would be. It's so sad that they don't want to celebrate your lovely daughter with you, and also remember your lovely son.