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Possibly not wanting more children

25 replies

Lafoosa · 19/04/2021 11:42

So me and my OH have 2 children, a 3yo and 1yo. He says he wants 4 kids and a while ago I said maybe 3.

Well I'm exhausted currently and honestly I want to start working towards my own career, I don't want to be a sahm forever. Not bashing anyone who is, massive respect to you. I just can't do it, I need something that's not poo, screaming and cleaning to do and I want to be someone not just a mum and housewife.
My OH thinks it's unreasonable for me to say I don't think I want more kids because I want to study and figure out what I love to do so I can pursue it.
I've had no life since the kids were born, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I love them to death. But I'm at the point now where I really need to put a bit more of my energy back into myself again and if I have another baby that'll be held back.
Especially if I have 2.
I'm only 22 currently, so if I have 2 more I'll likely not have the chance to study or do anything for myself until I'm 30. And I don't want more kids after 30, just because I want to sleep again one day 😅
I'm not even saying I'll never have another one, but I just want it off the table so I can focus on other things for a while and not just pop a baby out every 2 years. He goes out with friends, goes to work, has a social life and friends. I see him, my dad, my sister and my kids and that it.

Is it unreasonable to change my mind about having a third child when we'd agreed a few years ago because I want a career?

I breastfeed and co-sleep so it's utterly exhausting, plus my two are 18 months apart which is incredibly hard. Maybe in 6 years I'd reconsider because then I can get studying out the way and give myself time to find a job.

OP posts:

Bonheurdupasse · 19/04/2021 11:44

You’re being more than reasonable.
I find him quite controlling.


giletrouge · 19/04/2021 11:47

Your body your choice. He sounds unable to empathise with the fact that you are an actual person, not just a baby machine for him?


YellowTwinklyStar · 19/04/2021 11:49

He sounds like he sees you as some sort of breeding farm animal! Tell him to take 3 years as a stay at home parent then see what he thinks!


idontlikealdi · 19/04/2021 11:51

Is it your thread about not wanting kids over 30?


VladmirsPoutine · 19/04/2021 11:54

Pursue a career. Don't take whatever your OH says as gospel.


PolarnOPirate · 19/04/2021 11:56

YANBU at all. You are at the very very start of both parenting and career (and life). You have ages to decide if you want more kids, no need to rush into it!


MatildaTheCat · 19/04/2021 12:00

You have a massive imbalance in your relationship. Sort that out and focus on yourself when you can. He sounds as if he’s willing to prioritise having a big family over your happiness. That’s not ok.

And it does get better with the DC. Hang on in there.


Lafoosa · 19/04/2021 12:01

No, it's about possiblity not wanting more at all or at least waiting until I'm 28 to have more. Although I don't want more past 30 because I want to be done with the newborn stage by then.

OP posts:

VegCheeseandCrackers · 19/04/2021 12:02

You are being super reasonable!
My husband and I are good friends with another couple. He has a very active social life, works, sees family, does loads of things while she stays with the kids. He wanted more and she didn't. During lockdown he got a real taste of her life and has now come to the conclusion no more is a good idea! It's easy for him to say he wants more when he has so much going on outside the home and should be much more supportive of you. If you do decide to have another he seriously needs to take on more of the responsibilities to give you more life outside the home. You're a sahm not his slave.


Maggiesfarm · 19/04/2021 12:04

Don't have another child if you don't want to; it would impact your life considerably more than your husband's. Be firm about it, he will get used to the idea.


Candyfloss99 · 19/04/2021 12:05

Wow you are so young with 2 kids and your husband only views you as some baby making machine even though he is away out and doesn't even allow you to have a life? I would be letting him have them 50/50 so you can get on with your career.


loveheartss · 19/04/2021 12:05

I think it's naive to have a set number in mind truthfully.

I always thought I'd want lots of children running around.

As it goes, I have a 1 year old and was seriously considering stopping at just her when I found out I was pregnant with number 2 because I was so tired. Now, aslong as all goes well, I am not doing this again and I have told my partner that in no uncertain terms.

How does anyone know how many they can realistically want before you have any? So on that basis, I don't think it matters whether you said you wanted 3/4/5/6 - you are entitled to change your mind and want to think about yourself too. It is your life and your body.


kalidasa · 19/04/2021 12:07

Totally not unreasonable. And you are very young -- you could have a second round in 10 or 15 years if you wanted to (I know you feel at the moment that you wouldn't). I have a couple of friends who had a couple of children fairly young and then another 1-2 much later after they'd established their career.


MyOtherProfile · 19/04/2021 12:07

Tell him you can have a couple more if he stays home and raises them while you pursue a career and social life. That will change his mind, I reckon.


PolarnOPirate · 19/04/2021 16:21

Also OP, I wanted to be done before 30 too but now I’m 31 and have a 5 and 3.5 year old and we’re going for number 3. I still feel young! They’ll still be grown up by the time I’m 50 ish 🙂


VanillaCokeZero · 19/04/2021 16:36

You say OH... guessing you’re not married?

Of COURSE YANBU. It’s your body. We originally wanted two, had one and DH decided he was one and done. And of course i’ve accepted that and would never try persuade or convince him otherwise because when it comes to number of kids, the lowest number wins. You simply can’t try for a child one person doesn’t want, it’s desperately unfair on every single person involved.

You’ve had two and you’re so young. Tell him you’re sick of hearing about it and he has your answer.


billy1966 · 19/04/2021 16:48

So you have had 2 children with a boyfriend at 22 who you are not married to, who has maintained his social and he would like you to pop out another two?

Would he now.

If you think 2 is busy, well 4 is absolutely hectic, and expensive.

He sounds like a controlling twat.

Start thinking really hard about what you want from your life because you have got sucked into mother really early and you only have ONE life.

I was in my 30's before I started having children and I thank God for my 20's.

If you have 2 more children you will be drowning in them and it is highly unlikely you will have the time, money or energy to develop your educational opportunities.

Don't bother even telling that twat what you want.

Sort out your contraception so that it is bullet proof.

Well done for having dreams.
Make sure you get to fulfill them.


Goblin74 · 19/04/2021 21:54

Yanbu op. I breastfeed and co-sleep, I only have one and I'm done as I want to continue to pursuetl my PhD and the career I really want while still giving a lot to my son.

Although your husband is allowed to want more, he needs to respect you don't want to have more children - your body, your choice. And he needs to be content with his lot!


DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/04/2021 21:57

Yanbu. If he desperately wants another, maybe he could consider taking some time out of his career, and giving up his friends and hobbies?


Laureline · 19/04/2021 22:03

You are 22, you have 2 kids with someone you’re not married to, you’re a SAHM.
Focus on your financial independence and your career.


Runnerduck34 · 19/04/2021 22:25

Yadnbu, its your life, your body and it sounds like its you who is making all the compromises.
You have two very young DC it does get easier! If you actually wanted a third id say do it sooner rather than later so siblings are closer in age and have more in common. However yanbu to say you want to stop now and concentrate on studying and your career so you are independently financially secure. Then, if you both want to, you can have another child ( or two) later on, you are young and time is on your side.
If DH is very keen to have more perhaps once you are established in a career he take paternity leave to look after the new baby , just a shame he cant carry it and push it out!


VestaTilley · 20/04/2021 10:22

YANBU at all. Your DH doesn’t get to dictate how many DC you have.

You are still really young and have lots of time to establish a career- but you’d be within your rights to stop having any more DC- it is mind blowingly hard to look after small children.

You should also make sure you get more time out of the house in the evenings and weekends pursuing your own hobbies and seeing friends- it shouldn’t just be him who has all the fun.


violetbunny · 20/04/2021 10:28

You absolutely have an imbalance in your relationship. Why does he get so much leisure time to do as he pleases?

You need to split parenting responsibilities for your current children more fairly. While he is not at work, parenting should be split 50/50. He will no doubt change his tune once he has to actually shoulder half the responsibility for the kids he's already got.

Also, why on earth should you be the one to make all the sacrifices?

Lastly, if you are not married and are the stay at home parent, then legally you are currently in a vulnerable position.


bunglebee · 20/04/2021 10:40


Your partner is getting some serious side eye from me right now. You're only 22 and you already have two DC! What kind of partner just wants to keep you at home and knocked up, away from your ambitions, while he swans around having his own life? Does HE want to be at home with 4DC for another 10 years or so? ...Thought not.

Stick to your guns. Make sure you are on really good, reliable contraception that you, not he, are in control of.


Onairjunkie · 20/04/2021 11:55

Your partner really is a twat. He wants you at home, seeing no one, producing him children, propping up his bollock-based ego, with nothing of your own that might give you self confidence, and entirely in his control.

Fuck that. Say you’re done and go crack on with studying.

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