How to keep a decent relationship with ex in laws?

[Shootthatpoisonarrow]

Me and my OH are separating. We’re not married, but we have a child together. We live 150 miles from my parents, but about 15 mins drive from his. I’ve had a really good relationship with them so far and they are very close with our son, their grandson obviously.
I want to keep that relationship as much as possible, but I fear he’s already made it difficult by laying a lot of blame with me for the separation , even though I feel it was pretty equal and I was getting increasingly fed up with being told to F off all the time and shouted at/talked down to constantly. I think we both could have done more, but we’ve decided it’s best to separate as we’re very different people. We only really have our son in common.

So how do I try to maintain a relationship with the in laws?

No idea.. When I left exh his dps made no attempt to contact me. When exh lost any access to ds (their first dgc) they didn't even ask about him either... He was 6..
Twats.
They see the younger ds (adult) and seem to have rewritten history.
Ime leave it to dc's df to manage /maintain the relationship.

I’d reach out to them and say that you’d like to maintain a relationship for the sake of your DC and you hope they feel the same. Assuming they respond positively then I’d keep any chat about your DC, general things or their lives amd mainly avoid talking to them about the split, bad mouthing your ex or pulling them into things.

The thing is if you offer a day dc can visit it that will either be out of your time or ex will gatecrash and not bother with his own contact. Beware of allowing them unsupervised access organised by you.. Any fall outs they could apply to court for their own contact order. Your dc would be split 3 ways..
Minefield

I would have a conversation with them and say you love how close they are / what great grandparents they are and that you will endeavour to continue to facilitate that relationship.

My mum is the one who talks to my brothers ex and facilitates contact often between them. My brother is an asshole and him and his ex struggle to communicate. I also have a good relationship with brothers ex and when Im in Ireland and want to see my nephews I go to their mum rather then my brother. I think if they are reasonable and you want to help them maintain the relationship then it could definitely work.

My sibling divorced and the ex managed to maintain a very good relationship with my mum. She'd have them and the children over for meals, continued to help with childcare when the ex needed help. In return the ex helped with jobs etc around the house when mum needed help.

This was all because my mum was able to handle the situation well, and everyone acted in the interests of the children.

How have they responded to his accusations of you being to blame?

Is he moving in with them when you split up?

There’s only so much you can control, and things may evolve as time passes. He might meet someone else. You might. One of you may move further away.

If you want to maintain a relationship with them...and it is an If ..you really don't have to....and I would suggest you give it a while and let the dust settle a before coming to any arrangements with them...
Assume dc relationship with them will be facilitated by your ex and in his 'time' ...and maybe add to that or make direct arrangements if you want more..
I have seen too many of my friends bend over backwards and make their own lives much harder by trying to organise and support everyone else's wants..when a relationship breaks down rather than their own..

What if you get a new relationship are you still going to be found all the facilitating etc....

XH and l split 4 years ago as he met OW. Therefore for my inlaws they were disgusted with him.

We have kept in touch as they are lovely inlaws and we send Christmas/birthday gifts etc.

Prior to covid we did meet up with the DC.

Their son has now married the OW, so thing's may change as l have said to my MIL that she needs to accept her.

I've been adopted into my exs family. But that's more about what he did and the fact they hate his new girlfriend. Also we had been together a long time. His sisters are my best friends and now family as is his mum to me.