Getting really down trying to set boundaries

[Suffolkmum07]

AIBU?!

My in laws are our only local family. I've always got on really well with them. But during the pandemic they've been a complete and utter nightmare.

I had to shield, and we said in the parts last summer where we weren't on total lockdown that I would still see them, as long as we were all being safe.

So in September last year they all started breaking the rules. Having more than 6 in the house, my sister in law even went to a hen do in the city without bothering to socially distance and then came into our house the next day, I was only 2 weeks post partum.

We asked them to be careful, but they didn't bother, and so eventually we locked down and chose not to form a support bubble because it felt really unsafe because they were breaking the rules and then making a tonne of unnecessary journeys. My MIL obviously felt she needed to do that for her own mental health, but we locked down to protect everyone,
but still saw them on the doorstep every week so they got to see their grandson.

When they did turn up, they kept getting upset, because they couldn't see their grandson, but I always brought him to the door to see them, and took him on walks with them.

They now turn up to my house whenever they want! Sometimes on consecutive days. They have been asked not to (because I'm trying to work when the baby sleeps) and instead to message to let me know they are coming, but they keep doing it. And instead of knocking on the door, the stare through the living room window to see if I'm in. It's really getting to me that they turn up when they want but I think they're trying to be nice and see us and check we're OK, so I've been tolerating it. But I'm really annoyed that they have ignored us when we asked to let us know if they're coming.

I had to deal with a massive family row between my sister in law and her parents 6 weeks pp....we all went on a walk and my sister in law turned up crying her eyes out and storming off in front of everyone having a panic attack...whilst her whole family ignored her. So I stepped in to figure out what the hell was going on and calm her down.

When I was 40 weeks pregnant I sat in an empty pub garden with a friend very socially distanced....they turned up to my house whilst I wasn't there then got pissed off with me because they'd got frozen food with them (should have told me they were coming?!). So they phoned me, demanded to know where I was, I stupidly told them but then asked them 3 times to not come to the pub and said I'd call by there house on the way home...and they came to the pub anyway! My friend couldn't believe how rude they were.

Anyway.....I feel really let down and unsafe. They are the only family I have round here and it's making me want to move back to Wales and be with my own family 😭 I feel totally overwhelmed by them turning up all the time, not wanting to keep us safe, and just making demands of us all the time. I know they're trying to help, but they don't seem to listen to me.

We have said we might try and join a support bubble this weekend with them. I thought I could talk myself into it, but I'm struggling. I feel really let down and I don't trust them. They really want to look after the baby without me but I'm having a really hard time trusting them because they weren't there when we needed them and they keep doing things when I ask them not to.

What the hell do I do? If I can't mentally forgive them then how am I going to keep seeing them?! And I know the pandemic has been hard for them (they're not coping well being shut in the house), but I also feel like they didn't even consider us. We never ever ask for anything and then the one time we did they totally let us down 🙄 AIBU to feel like this?

Suggestions on how to move forward?

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

Sorry I've just seen this bit
But my husband seems to not notice things until after they've happened 🙄 I'm not feeling great about the fact that he feels the same but it's effectively me who has to deal with it

As to not noticing. You know now what their behaviour is likely to be so he can't pretend he hasn't seen it. He is avoiding the issue.
It was wierd when his whole family ignored your SIL's tears and said nothing.
You can give him another opportunity but if he fluffs it up, or doesn't do it you will have to deal with it yourself or still be in the same place in a months time.
He doesn't want to be the bad guy, I'd communicate to him that it is really unfair on you to do that and will make your relationship with them really difficult in future if they see you as the bad guy and him as the good guy. (trust me, that is not a place you want to be in) He has to back you up.
Tell him you really need his help to buy you some space and time and ask exactly when and how he proposes to go about it.
You still want to have a relationship with them, just not one where you have no say.

[Fl0w3ry]

My in laws are like this - they used to turn up randomly (and usually at the wrong moment) and if we didn't answer the door would throw stones at the windows, start yelling through the letterbox and repeatedly phoning from outside (they claim because they thought we couldn't hear our loud doorbell as they repeatedly pressed it!) . This was pre-covid. Trust me when I say, if you let these people do the childcare for your DC they will try and make every decision about your DC, they think they can walk over your wants and wishes and they will do it with DC too. On the very, very rare occasion my Inlaws have taken care of my DC I've instantly regretted it. Anything and everything was ignored that I requested!

[billy1966]

So your in laws nor your your husband take you seriously OP.

You have a very stressful, difficult life ahead of you if you don't decisively change that.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

They do sound awful. I’m not surprised you’re heads bursting with it.
Have you heard your dh speak to his parents about it or is it just what he’s told you he’s said? Because if you’ve not been there and if I was a betting woman, I’d put money on your dh doing one of 2 things. He’s either saying “eh, mum, do you think you could maybe, if you don’t mind or if you remember before you go, or not if you don’t it’s ok but can you text Suffolk before you drop in? Oh and thanks for all the lasagne and nappies. Don’t know what we’d do without you...”
Or, he’s saying “mum, I know Suffolk is being ridiculous and precious but she’s asked me to tell you to text first. I know, I know . You don’t have to tell me, I’ve got to live with her lol”.
Not sure which is worse tbh.

I’m on the verge of saying, if you don’t need to be at home to do your thing, fuck of to Wales for a fortnight and leave him to it. At least then he might see how serious you are.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

And I don’t normally say this but show him this thread.

Or show them.

Or send the email DuckbilledSplatterPuff suggested.

[Cherrysoup]

About time your dh stepped up, no? He needs to enforce boundaries when they turn up.

[LittleOwl153]

Does your husband need to buy the business in that location..... are his parents helping him by any chance? Could he buy a similar one elsewhere?

Id say to him either he sorts out the parents or you will be taking a break by going to Wales. And do not form a support bubble with his parents. They will then insist on coming into the house and you will never get rid of them! And for goodness sake do not ever give them a key!

[IHateWinter88]

If you think you're stuck now, it's going to get 100 times worse when the kids are older, PIL are providing childcare and your DH has pumped £££ into a local business.

Take the baby to Wales for a while to show your DH you're seriously pissed off. The threat of you leaving him might stir him to notice you. Or you might find you're much happier on your own away from those toxic arseholes. Your situation sounds unbearable. You're a saint (and a doormat) for putting up with it for so long.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

Its always good to break the pattern if you want to establish a new one.
As pps suggested, off to Wales, let them turn up and find you are not at home a few times.
A bit of TLC with your Mum and you will be better able to deal with them when you come back.
I had to laugh at @onitlikeacarbonnet scenario. I've been there!! , its so tricky cos you have to give DH a chance so its not always you "creating" or he gets to dodge the task forever more, but I'm also torn with the idea of waiting around for a DH to actually do the job effectively and just doing it yourself directly so that they know not to try it on with you.
Only you can judge which way to go with that one. In the end I've had to go with doing it myself and listening to them grumble but actually take it on board. eg I wish I'd had the nounce to ring and cancel the time DH decided it would be fun and spontaneous if we had all his family over for a "Dinner Party" if you please, shortly after my return to full time work with DC2. I should have used my Mum's saying "Its Bridget's night off"
But it shouldn't be that way, you should be a united front.

[Biffbaff]

[quote Suffolkmum07]@biffbaff they're not fixed. You are allowed to start a support bubble when you want, leave one when you want and you can change your bubble if you rely need to as long as you isolate for 2 weeks in between.

So far I've had a bubble for 4 days. Just to see my mum. Because I was going out of my mind here.[/quote]
Ok sorry, that was my misapprehension although I was really aiming it at your ILs. I don't blame you, I would have needed it too!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

How are you feeling today @Suffolkmum07?

[Suffolkmum07]

@onitlikeacarbonnet
Better thanks. I spoke to my husband and we have a plan of action in which both of us are going to set better boundaries with everyone. And learn to say no. And support each other whilst we do it.

My husband hasn't been anywhere near as much of a dick as some pp have suggested. But I have said I'm disappointed and its not very respecting of me to let the in laws walk over us. And he agrees. He just has anxiety and finds things a bit hard. But I understand because I've been there and he's doing something about it. He is also finding the post partum period in lockdown hard, just like me. Although we went to baby swimming this morning and I'm relieved that there are other mums in the world! 🤣 I just haven't seen any for 6 months!

So yeah, we're getting there. Will see how it goes at the weekend. I've asked them not to turn up this week. So hopefully they'll listen and if not we won't be going to see them at the weekend 🤣

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

You sound more positive. And I get the anxiety thing. Nothing harder than saying no when you’re a people pleaser. Hope it goes as planned. Enjoy getting out and about it will help to have other new mums to sound off with.

[orangegina]

Oh god. They sound like a nightmare. I live about an hour from my I laws which is close enough. I'd hate to see them as frequently as you see yours. I need breathing
Space

Can you close curtains and blinds and get a ring doorbell? Or work upstairs where they can't see you? You'll need to stop answering the door to them

[Phineyj]

Unfortunately with childcare you get what you pay for and sometimes you pay in other ways than money!

Can you find another mum in a similar position and pair up so that you could each take turns to get a couple of hours uninterrupted work done? Or join a gym with a creche but sit and work in the cafe some of the time?

(disclaimer: not sure re Covid rules on this)

Long term though, your plan needs to involve earning enough to cover childcare.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

He's buying a business. So when you say you can't afford childcare I hope you're seeing that as a shared investment, rather than something you're paying for alone.

[YoniAndGuy]

They really want to look after the baby without me

Move back, yes.

[OrangeRug]

Urgh I absolutely HATE people showing up at my house unannounced. My MIL did this a lot after I had my DD...sometimes with friends. I asked her so many times to let me know first but she'd just mock me. We ended up falling out with her for a multitude of reasons so that solved it. She used to bring things over as an excuse too ie a card from a friend that she could have posted through the door then she'd sit for 2 hours even if I had a friend there. I feel your pain and I agree with the PP who said to close your blinds/curtains and not answer the door.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

Nicely done @Suffolkmum07 hope it goes well. I used to love baby swimming.