Heartbroken- help me understand please

[tartantroosers]

I am heartbroken and it makes no sense. For background, I'm a (long) divorced single parent with a teenage son and have been pootling along quite happily, no dramas, a few nice relationships, all good. A couple of months ago a guy contacted me on OLD and we chatted. I've dated a lot, and wasn't desperate to meet anyone, but we started talking, and from that point something just clicked for both of us. We spent the whole of March chatting on FaceTime, literally hours a day- every night, early morning and always initiated by him. Probably 100 hours in total! Never happened to me before. He literally ticked every box that means anything to me, and he couldn't put me down. We met the first day it was allowed to travel to meet, and we both said how much we were looking forward to meeting. I was prepared to admit the possibility that it wouldn't be the same IRL and we might just go our separate ways but we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours. He was most definitely "interested". I should say that on meeting he said immediately that he wanted to tell me he'd had mental health issues in his twenties (he is 55, same age as me) but was ok now and on medication. I was a bit shocked but there had been no issues over a month of talking, nothing odd or 'off' about him at all. Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad, blah blah. He seemed visibly relieved to have got this off his chest. Chatted that night, next day, then suddenly the day after that he called me, and I thought something awful had happened, he looked so empty and sad. When I asked what had happened , he said "I just can't see it working". I was so shocked but he couldn't give me any reason at all. Then some smokescreen issues about distance (40 miles and close to London) and wanting to settle down with someone (as do I) and that was it. A few distraught calls and texts (me) but now silence. He keeps saying he's sorry but I am in bits. No proper sleep for 2 weeks and have lost a stone which I can't afford to. Can anyone stop me losing the plot? It's worse than being 14 all over again. The hardest thing is not having any answers and the pain is worse than anything I've experienced- i feel utterly 'consumed' by him and then discarded. Please help.

[mellowtimes]

@AnyOldPrion

‘He is the age he, still single for a reason’.... are you serious?!

Would you say that to a woman on here?

To her? Not sure. It would depend on circumstances.

But engaging in some kind of serious, long-term relationship is a normal part of life for almost everyone. Of course there’s a reason in all cases where it hasn’t occurred. It doesn’t imply fault, but the reason that has caused a person not to have any long-term relationships by the age of 55 is quite likely to persist and prevent them having a long-term relationship in future.

Obviously it’s not impossible. The circumstances may have been external and not due to any attribute of the person themself. Or someone might, even at that age, change.

But past behaviour is, in my opinion, a good predictor of future behaviour. Why you would imagine that doesn’t hold true here is beyond me.

And yet the OP didn’t question this until he ended it with her. Now it appears he’s open season for any old crap.

These are TWO ADULTS whose very short term connection didn’t work out. It really is that simple. Can you please stop denigrating a man who you do not know.

OP, would you please just stop looking for sympathy and at the very least, try to be kind to the man who you, apparently cared so much about.....until he hurt your ego.

[AmyLou100]

So sorry op. He just wasted your time. He spent hours with you when you met and gave you the impression he wanted to continue with you. And the blew cold. Hot and cold. Such a put off.
He isn't a good man, because he strung you along for months only to drop you immediately. Just give yourself time and don't let this get you down. X

[Alcemeg]

@Cowbells

OP, I know a little about schizophrenia - a good friend of mine had it. It took him an exhausting amount of effort to present as normal. I'd known him for years and really loved him as a friend before I had an inkling of what he lived with daily.

He came to my hen night and produced as a surprise another close male friend of ours who lived in France, but who he had brought back just for my hen night. I thought it was a lovely thoughtful thing to do until he explained to me that he knew the male friend and I were secretly in love and had been communicating our passion for each other via radio waves into his mind for years and that he hadn't minded at all being the go between for our love and had passed on my messages faithfully and never shared them with anyone. But that's how he knew we had asked to see each other one more time before I married. Messages I had sent him telepathically. He had so believed them that he had dragged this man back from France.

I had no inkling of this nonsense in all the years we'd been close and hung around in a crowd together. He'd just kept it together and presented as normal, but some very abnormal things were very compelling in his mind - as true and substantial as real life is to me. It was very disconcerting to realise how vivid and believable this alternative world was to him and how he had to battle through it just to maintain normal friendships.

Maybe your man realised if he got close to you he would be unable to maintain the pretence. It is exhausting. Or maybe radio waves instructed him to dump you. There could be a whole level to your relationship that you are not aware of, which governs his behaviour.

@Cowbells, this is a perfect description of it. I was romantically involved with someone who turned out to be schizophrenic and it gradually took over more and more. I realised in the end that we were living in completely different realities. In the process, all kinds of things drove me nuts like "gaslighting" -- which wasn't actually gaslighting in the strict sense, it was just that he had a completely different perception of what was going on around him! By the end, I didn't know which of us was crazier.

OP, please re-read Cowbell's post and do some research of your own into schizophrenia. The medication is pretty crude, and sometimes people just want a normal life (e.g. when meeting someone they might have a future with), so it's tempting for them to stop taking the medication so as to pretend to be normal. Once that happens, it's a spiral into all kinds of mayhem.

I'm sorry you had this tragic experience and I'm sorry some people are being so rude to you about it.

If I were you, I would treasure the wonderful moments we shared and the hopes I'd had for what could be, and then gently float all that away from me. The reality would not have lived up to your dreams.

[AnyOldPrion]

‘He is the age he, still single for a reason’.... are you serious?!

Would you say that to a woman on here?

To her? Not sure. It would depend on circumstances.

But engaging in some kind of serious, long-term relationship is a normal part of life for almost everyone. Of course there’s a reason in all cases where it hasn’t occurred. It doesn’t imply fault, but the reason that has caused a person not to have any long-term relationships by the age of 55 is quite likely to persist and prevent them having a long-term relationship in future.

Obviously it’s not impossible. The circumstances may have been external and not due to any attribute of the person themself. Or someone might, even at that age, change.

But past behaviour is, in my opinion, a good predictor of future behaviour. Why you would imagine that doesn’t hold true here is beyond me.

[mellowtimes]

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@mellowtimes
"grow up and move on"

! Such insight and maturity [/quote]
And what, exactly, would you suggest?

[Erictheavocado]

OP , I don't know why he acted as he did, but I wonder if he felt similar to you but was overwhelmed by that? From what you say, he sounds like a decent person so I would suspect that this is about protecting himself in case it didn't work out, rather than treating you badly.
Best wishes.

[mellowtimes]

@randomer

Gosh,this is so nasty now.

Why is it! What is so wrong about a bloke being honest and ending something before it got serious when he knew it needed to be ended? Would it be better if he’d kept her dangling for months? Maybe he also got caught up in the moment like the OP but came to his senses quicker. Would it be more acceptable if the OP had done the dumping!?

Why does this man have to be judged! To make the OP feel better? Has he got a thread going on here looking for sympathy? No. He’s left. As grown ups do and that’s the end of it.

He, meanwhile, has his mental health problems to continue to deal with - not an easy thing! The OP has her ego to deal with.

Can a line be drawn here?

[randomer]

@SnowAllSpring,I stand corrected. I must have got carried away with myself,a bit of me coming in there I suppose. So if it brightens your day any,I apologise.It is not bereavement, the feelings may be similar.OP invested in this.

[KinseyWinsey]

I've encountered a couple of men like this.

They love the connection. And the very initial thrill.

And then that's it. They want it all over again with someone else.

They move on. And on. And on.

They get very good at it. Good at getting people to fall for them and enabling them to reach that high.

Watch out because he might pop up again and try the same thing.

[DoubleTweenQueen]

@mellowtimes
"grow up and move on"

! Such insight and maturity

[randomer]

Gosh,this is so nasty now.

[tartantroosers]

Londonbrick, thank you. I've been on MN over 10 years and have never askes for help- or sympathy despite divorce, infidelity and other assorted shit. That I am asking now does not make me stupid or a big ego. Just looking for a little kindness.

[Haggisfish]

Op I’m sorry. I suspect it may have more to do with his schizophrenia as pp, with experience, have suggested. Fwiw I have similarly intense relationships and conversations at the start of a relationship. And I don’t think there is anything wrong in being in a park together doing what you were, church organist or not!

[londonbrick]

As with anything in life OP - on this thread - take the things you like and ignore the rest. No need even to respond to those.

[mellowtimes]

@SnowAllSpring

What sort of 55-year-old church organist lies around on the ground for four hours with a hard on?

What sort of woman lies on the ground with him then comes on mumsnet looking for sympathy when he ditches her?

[tartantroosers]

Mellow, please dont be mean. Im not casting aspersions, it's just that most people who say they want a serious relationship have at some point in life committed to someone, whether they marry or not. I wasnt condmning him for that, in fact I understood why, I thought. Ego is not in it

[londonbrick]

I believe an ending of a relationship (however long or short that may be) can easily & naturally put you into a place of deep grief.

Maybe check out The Good Grief Trust website OP to see if there are any feelings you identify with.

Remember we all have the right to end a relationship without having to give any reasons.

Wanting to know the why of something is a path we choose to avoid feeling the pain - we somehow believe that if we know why then we'll understand and it won't feel so bad. This is not true.

Although it's very painful it is ok to hurt, it is ok to be heartbroken, it is ok to be disappointed. It is ok to think it's you equally it is ok to think it's him.

Remember all emotion is temporary and will pass in time & often it's in the acceptance of any feeling that it begins to fade. Let go of your expectation of being able to handle this via any set or specific way.

Today nurture the heartbroken you just as you would nurture the child you. Be kind & be patient with yourself. Love yourself in a way that this man for whatever reason was unable to continue to do.

There's a difficult book to read called 'If it hurts, it isn't love'. Remind yourself of that sentence every time you focus on the pain and needing to know the 'why'.

You might find 'From Stress To Stillness' another useful resource to help you in the moments when it feels to painful to do/think/say anything.

[SnowAllSpring]

What sort of 55-year-old church organist lies around on the ground for four hours with a hard on?

[mellowtimes]

@tartantroosers

To be fair, you do have a point and thanks for the comment. He is 55, never married, longest relationshio 2 years, no kids but close to nieces and nephews. Normally that would make me ask questions but he dis say he's missed a chunk of a decade as he got ill around graduating when everyone else was stsrting to build relationships and careers. He had dated women with kids, so it didnt seem the red flag one might otherwise assume.

No, they do not have a point! It was a ridiculous and judgmental statement about someone he does not know. You are apparently ‘heartbroken’ over this ‘someone’ - now you feel it’s ok to cast aspersions like this? Oh, ego. It knows no bounds!

[whatapileofpoo]

this is schitzophrenia

this is antisocial personality disorder - ie an example of the sort of disorder an abusive person might have, along with NPD



you will see the difference

[HesSpartacus]

OP I would also do a lot of Googling - the whole 'Cambridge art grad' thing sets off my con man radar big time... that or 'I'm doing a PhD in x'

[SnowAllSpring]

Ringing you at 4am is not ok.

[mellowtimes]

@tartantroosers

Thanks everyone. I know I need to get over it- and fast- i normally give myself a stern talking to, phone a couple of mates, and get on. I don't have low self-esteem, I'm not looking for someone to make me happy. But when you've got used to someone taking a lovely interest in your world, showing empathy (which narcisissists don't tend to do- and I've known a few) it's hard to find any explanation. I did write to him, nicely, and he rang me back (at 4am!) to chat but with hindsight it was just him worrying I'd do a mad thing like turning up on his doorstep, which of course I am not intending to do. Just feels so brutal. Sorry about typos, my hands are shaking.

No disrespect OP but, personally, I’d be asking myself why this particular flash in the pan had me so bothered - ‘heartbroken’. And I most certainly would accept that I had problems with my (possible) self esteem or ego (same thing, I know) but still equally painful.

[Lassy1945]

Op - you’ve not smoked for 5 years and you started up because of this!

Please put the cig down. Don’t let this be the reason you get lung cancer in 5 years time