Heartbroken- help me understand please

[tartantroosers]

I am heartbroken and it makes no sense. For background, I'm a (long) divorced single parent with a teenage son and have been pootling along quite happily, no dramas, a few nice relationships, all good. A couple of months ago a guy contacted me on OLD and we chatted. I've dated a lot, and wasn't desperate to meet anyone, but we started talking, and from that point something just clicked for both of us. We spent the whole of March chatting on FaceTime, literally hours a day- every night, early morning and always initiated by him. Probably 100 hours in total! Never happened to me before. He literally ticked every box that means anything to me, and he couldn't put me down. We met the first day it was allowed to travel to meet, and we both said how much we were looking forward to meeting. I was prepared to admit the possibility that it wouldn't be the same IRL and we might just go our separate ways but we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours. He was most definitely "interested". I should say that on meeting he said immediately that he wanted to tell me he'd had mental health issues in his twenties (he is 55, same age as me) but was ok now and on medication. I was a bit shocked but there had been no issues over a month of talking, nothing odd or 'off' about him at all. Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad, blah blah. He seemed visibly relieved to have got this off his chest. Chatted that night, next day, then suddenly the day after that he called me, and I thought something awful had happened, he looked so empty and sad. When I asked what had happened , he said "I just can't see it working". I was so shocked but he couldn't give me any reason at all. Then some smokescreen issues about distance (40 miles and close to London) and wanting to settle down with someone (as do I) and that was it. A few distraught calls and texts (me) but now silence. He keeps saying he's sorry but I am in bits. No proper sleep for 2 weeks and have lost a stone which I can't afford to. Can anyone stop me losing the plot? It's worse than being 14 all over again. The hardest thing is not having any answers and the pain is worse than anything I've experienced- i feel utterly 'consumed' by him and then discarded. Please help.

[00utaSpace]

I'm guessing that you were perhaps looking for a further relationship?
But had not considered that, after meeting it would end so abruptly

An American agony aunt once wrote, never trust a man (could be anyone) until you have met & smelt them. I guess she was inferring to pheromones.

Perhaps, he does this to lots of women ? A kind of cat fish game of his ?

[Klarajannsson]

Your OP broke my heart for you OP. But in my view what he has done isn't something someone lovely would do. A really devent man would have met up with you and explained further. They also wouldn't have given you such false hope. The relationship he encouraged that you are now bereft without does sound like lovebombing. I have been there, also with perfect-sounding on paper people.

[MotherofPoodles]

Yes he could be a narcissist etc.

But it sounds like mental health issues to me.

The out come is the same though, block and move on as quickly and as best you can.

[tartantroosers]

Silverfly, thank you. Sounds exactly like him. Nothing mean or cruel about him. Just so lovely. But clearly there are challenges wih this diagnosis. I just wanted the chance to understand more.

[littleburn]

I'm sorry that you're hurting OP. I'm not going to get into the whys and how's as ultimately that's really not relevant to the fact that you're hurting. Sometimes it just absolutely floors you when things end and that vulnerability is frightening. Take care of yourself as best you can. You're not going to be feeling your best for a while but you will get through it.

[mellowtimes]

[quote Lassy1945]@mellowtimes

It’s an anonymous forum
And no one has the faintest idea who the OP is talking about.[/quote]
Lassy , I know but imagine if everyone could just condemn people and it was accepted as a given?

An anonymous man, with mental health problems rejected a woman. Now he’s ‘suspect’.

When does it end? If not now?

The OP should have the guts to take that back now. Then maybe it will stop other people from casting aspersions.

Let’s act like adults even though we hurt like children sometimes.

[mellowtimes]

[quote RuggeryBuggery]@mellowtimes yes but I meant he might be someone that does it in a serial way[/quote]
That’s an assumption with NO GROUNDS in reality! No one would ever dare say this about a woman on here but it’s ok for you to do it casually!!! Are you serious?

Someone has to stand up for the innocence of human beings!

I am utterly shocked.

[Silverfly]

OP, I'm sorry you're so hurt. I agree with the posters saying that his schizophrenia may be the main issue here.

My cousin has a similar MH diagnosis and has been sometimes been hospitalised with it. He is such a lovely, sweet, intelligent, creative, empathetic, sensitive guy but he is an absolute nightmare in relationships - very very intense and loving, then backs away when reality hits. He is in his late 40s and has many failed relationships behind him.

OP, if this man gets back in touch and wants to try again, please tread very carefully. I adore my cousin but he is the worst person I can imagine to have a relationship with and I do think this is because of his illness. Schizophrenia is in a different league IME to mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety (although I know these can be serious too of course).

[Lassy1945]

@mellowtimes

It’s an anonymous forum
And no one has the faintest idea who the OP is talking about.

[Haribo32]

I've private messaged you incase you want to message abit more one on one. I've been through a very similar thing in the last month. A guy who convinced me I was his life and loved me walked away from me just like that. I've found out alot of bad stuff about him since. He was not the guy he was selling to me sadly. I sort of had gut feelings. Photos of his ex on the wall. Always talking about her but making out their spilt was just a mutual thing. Then he would tell me about this woman who neevr left him alone.

Found out Alot since by asking people about him . He lost his ex due to his manly urges and he's never gotten over loosing her. She lurks around still and they both wind eachother up and dip in and out of eachothers lives still. I've also found out the woman who would not leave him alone was actually being played by him too. She left her husband and told her kids she was going to be with him as he fooled her into thinking they were together. Then he ran. Blocked her and was begging his ex to take him back.

I've also had to look hard at him and have realised he's got to family or friends on his life hardly. Loads of broken relationships with them and his ex's. He's boring and never does anything. He doesn't look after himself food wise etc.

Sometimes people are very convincing. They are not what they seem. It's a difficult thing to untangle and it will take you time.

I found writing things down helped. Talking to people about it so they could help me figure it out. I am still breaking bits down. He was also putting me down subtlety and had some pretty horrible traits. Sometimes we can't see things when we are in the thick of it. Now I'm a month out of it I'm still hurting. Some days are harder than others. But I don't miss the anxiety. I don't miss having to worry about other women and whether they were going to "Steal him". He absolutely wrecked my head and I've never ever been so insecure and so full of doubt.

I hope you can find ways to feel better. I was clearly involved with a toxic liar and I got out in time. But I didn't get out totally in one piece. Its going to take me a long time to get over him and accept the man I thought he was isnt real. He doesn't exist.who he really is would have made me run for the hills but he hid it well.

Good luck and feel free to speak to me if you need some further support.

[mellowtimes]

@tartantroosers

Thank you again. I'm not shy of criticism, and probably some of it is right, but I'm a bit shaky at the moment and not reallly strong enough to take it in the way it's probably meant.

Ok, you’re feeling shaky regarding the feedback (you call it criticism). Please tell me what you expected when you posted?

No doubt I will be continued to be flamed, I don’t care.

I know how painful it is when ones ego is damaged - it hurts like hell. I’ve experienced this. I’ve also been in a very abusive relationship where the pain is immeasurable and takes years to get over, if ever. I also know someone who suffers from mental health problems who does not deserve to be judged, whatever his age.

In my very humble opinion, you don’t have the right to cast aspersions on the man you barely know nor encourage others to do the same.

Feel sorry for yourself as much as you want but please remove the posts regarding this man. He isn’t here to defend himself.

[KinseyWinsey]

Gosh. Lots of caps shouting.

Op, I don't think you're pathetic at all.

Seriously disappointed and need time to take stock.

But this bloke will pop up again. Please don't get involved with him. He will be more persistent if you appear not to be keen. For him, I think it is about ego.

[whatapileofpoo]

Op you deserve a little kindness, it is just that on every thread where there is a man there will also be the suggestion that the man is an abusive narcissist, and for those of us with genuine experience of an abusive narcissist, it is minimising and dangerous.

I would take the time to watch the videos about schitzophrenia and see if it resonates - I posted 2 videos above, and posted above about it, and if you google "cecilia schitzophrenic tedx" then you will find a ted talk. If you do this now it might give insights to help you work out what happened. Sometimes life can play a side ball and that is all it is - and you process and get over it.

This has obviously knocked you for six and at some point you will probably find you emotionally grow and benefit from it.

Sorry about my username - it was to do with the other thread about the imaginary encounter in a hotel

[RuggeryBuggery]

Sorry that 2nd post was to @tartantroosers

[MrsBerthaRochester]

It's nothing to do with his mental health issues! He is JUST NOT INTO YOU!!!! Apart from to get a shag which he is priming you for with the "oh what a shame if we went further and it then didn't work out" He is TELLING you that he will have sex with you then disappear!! Listen!!!!
You don't know this man from Adam. Go on to the OLD thread on the Relationships board and take onboard all the good advice.

[Lassy1945]

You have been on this thread for a longer time than you have been with this man in person OP.

[RuggeryBuggery]

@mellowtimes no criticism from here. You put yourself out there, trusted the intensity of his feelings for you and that they would last, felt what you thought was a very genuine connection that you don’t find easily with others, and have been taken by surprise at the abruptness of the ending. Of course it hurts, but try to stay philosophical and the feelings will fade with time. You’ll probably be surprised how fast.

[RuggeryBuggery]

@mellowtimes yes but I meant he might be someone that does it in a serial way

[Taikoo]

I agree with some other posters above. Sounds like you dodged a bullet there.
Be prepared for him to resurface just purely to fuck about with you again.
I think he sounds like a right liability.
He sounds like a bit of a loser too, to be honest.

[tartantroosers]

Thank you again. I'm not shy of criticism, and probably some of it is right, but I'm a bit shaky at the moment and not reallly strong enough to take it in the way it's probably meant.

[mellowtimes]

@RuggeryBuggery

I’m so sorry OP... you say nothing was ‘odd’ during that first month but I think the intensity of it was ‘off’ actually 😔

He is perhaps someone that falls very quickly very hard, and then out again and onto the next.

You had a fun month and time in the park, just one of life’s intense experiences, put it down to experience.

And run a mile if he gets back in touch

So was the OP. She was just as intense!

[RuggeryBuggery]

I’m so sorry OP... you say nothing was ‘odd’ during that first month but I think the intensity of it was ‘off’ actually 😔

He is perhaps someone that falls very quickly very hard, and then out again and onto the next.

You had a fun month and time in the park, just one of life’s intense experiences, put it down to experience.

And run a mile if he gets back in touch

[Lassy1945]

Mellow has been a tad too forthright in her tone
But I have to say - I agree with her point

[TillyTopper]

I'm sorry OP, that sounds really upsetting and strange on his part. I think though you have to see the bright side of this and perhaps you've dodged a bullet here. I can see going from all to nothing is really upsetting but I think for your own sake you should block and move on. Please don't be tempted to respond if he gets in touch - I'd put money on this happening all over again.