Please someone knock some sense into me!!

[Youaremysunshine2010]

Probably get flamed on here but I need some help, partner and I have had some rough patches but what relationship doesn't?! We've been together for 9 years and no sign of a proposal, I asked him the other night if we could just get married and he said no it's something he wants to ask!!
Before we moved in together he kept making excuses until I said to him you either move in properly or you move your stuff out ( this was after years of him staying but not moving in etc ) he has said no to trying for another baby yet until we sort things out properly ( I'm getting older so worried my time will run out ) I've been asking him if we could move closer to my family for over two years it took about a year for him to put the house on the market and now we have buyers he is yet again putting excuses in the way - I have said I'm not sure the relationship will work out as he is in control of most things so I would rather not be on the mortgage at all as the mortgage we are on to me is just a debt in my name, he basically asked me to sign a deed of trust to protect his deposit ( he put the deposit down hundreds of thousand incase that's relevant ) and he is now saying that's it's too much of a rush, the buyers have asked if we would consider renting until we found somewhere as their mortgage offer will run out in 2 months and he had said no not happy yet hasn't even looked for somewhere for us to go so we are now basically going to lose the buyers. won't try for another baby yet we took over 3 years to conceive our little one incase it doesn't work out yet wants me to be on the mortgage aibu to think this really isn't what he wants and it really isn't going anywhere ?

[MaskingForIt]

Relationships like these are why the phrase “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” exists.

He’s getting everything he wants. Why would he change?

[KarmaStar]

Start looking for a new home near your family as you want to then get your finances in order and when YOU are ready tell him it's over and you're leaving.no last chances.
Once you make the break you'll be a much happier person op.
And,if you wanted to and are open to it,you'll meet someone else sooner than you think.
Good luck.🌈

[Shoxfordian]

He doesn't want to marry you
He doesn't seem committed

Stop dragging out the inevitable and making yourself miserable

[Youaremysunshine2010]

Thankyou for your replies it's nice to know others don't think I'm unreasonable for wanting normal things in life and that it's not actually a chore x

[Wallywobbles]

Run. Fast and far. You'll regret staying with him for the rest of your life. He'll leave in the shit when you're too old to have kids and have the next one pregnant within a year.

It's your only life stop wasting it.

[Spindlicious]

@Youaremysunshine2010

You don't think I'm acting like A spoilt brat? X

I think you’re acting like a doormat.

No not every couple has rough patches either.

He’s never going to do the things he’s promising you.

[makingmammaries]

Get away from him now.

[Babyroobs]

I wouldn't have another baby with him. Do you work ? If not I would work on finding work so you have some financial independence from him , so that if things don't work out, you can survive on your own.

[thepeopleversuswork]

God not another one of these.
This man has no respect for you whatsoever. He doesn't want to marry you. This "I want to propose" is the hoariest old excuse ever.
Cut your losses and leave him. This won't get any better.
Take control.

[LondonStone]

Sorry to echo PP especially as it’s not a very nice thing to say. One of DH’s old school friends strung his then-girlfriend along for 8 years. She wanted kids, marriage, a home together and he was never fully committed to it.

They eventually broke up and he met someone else. Within a year they’d moved in together, she was pregnant, they had an absolutely gorgeous wedding and have a little family now. We don’t see him much (with old girlfriend or new tbh) but I couldn’t believe how loud and clear the message was to his ex “I just didn’t want this with you.”

[Pinkdelight3]

He can be as adamant as he likes about putting you on the mortgage, but that's a big if, seeing as he's sabotaging the possibility of you moving. Can't you see how it's his actions that reveal his true intentions? You need to tune out his bull, however adamant.

Besides, being put on the (mythical) mortgage is not proposing to you, marrying you, or having another baby with you. Please stop compromising what you want and settling for the absolute bare minimum - at best!

[Etinox]

@Merryoldgoat

I told my husband that I wanted to get married and wouldn’t have children outside of marriage on our second date.

I was very clear that if that wasn’t something he was interested in I wasn’t the one for him.

There’s nothing wrong with taking control of these things.

Same.

[BewilderedDoughnut]

He’s the type to string along a woman for ten years and then when you break up he’s married in 6 months with a baby on the way.

I wouldn’t waste anymore time on him.

[Youaremysunshine2010]

Thankyou for your replies, he is adamant that he wants me to be on the new mortgage if we move together but still won't allow us to try for a baby!!

[MaskingForIt]

Move nearer to your parents. He can come too if he wants to, but stop pandering to him and start doing what is right for you.

[Pinkdelight3]

he then said he wants to be the one to propose

To someone else presumably, as he's had nine years to propose to you so it's loud and clear that he doesn't want to. You're not a spoilt brat. He's all about the power play and no commitment. That situation with the second child and losing the house buyers is all ridiculous. He's a big baby and is never going to grow up and be the DH and real partner you need. Agree that not all couples have rough patches and what you describe would be intolerable for many women. Whatever hardships there are, you should be on the same team facing them together. Not causing needless stresses for each other. This one is a dud, sorry.

[VenusClapTrap]

Oh and as a pp said, no not every couple has rough patches.

[VenusClapTrap]

He sounds like he’s ‘waiting for something better to come along’. You’ll do for now, but he doesn’t see a future with you. Sorry op. This happened to a friend - her boyfriend kept stringing her along for years, with ‘not now, not now, not sure I want marriage yet or a child yet’ blah blah blah. Then after a decade of this buggered off with another woman and was engaged with a baby on the way within a month. My friend was broken. I’ve heard of this happening a lot.

I would walk before you waste any more time on him. Find someone who wants to commit to you.

[AntiHop]

I feel so frustrated on your behalf. He is making you tread water. My DH is a bit like this. With the exception of proposing, it has been me who has driven forward the developments in our life, such as deciding when to ttc, buying our first flat, moving to a house.

BUT there is a big difference. My DH doesn't stand in the way when I want to get on with these life changes. He just finds it hard to initiate it. Whereas your partner is stopping you from moving forward in your life.

I feel really sorry for your buyers too!

[Youaremysunshine2010]

It was a heat of the moment kind of thing I said to him let's get married sod the engagement and all that let's book it and get married, he then said he wants to be the one to propose x

[Onxob]

You asked him to marry you and after 9 years and a child together he essentially turned you down. To me there would be no coming back from that...

[BlueThistles]

it shouldn't be a chore, its should be a natural progression 🌺

[Youaremysunshine2010]

Thankyou for your replies makes me feel a little more normal and human for feeling this way, I hate to see everyone having babies and marriage and yet it's a big chore for him to have that with me x

[CSIblonde]

Everything's on his terms. Wheres the meeting half way, compromising and considering & taking into account each others needs. Don't make the mistake of thinking he will change. Behaviour patterns like that are hardwired. It works for him, it gets him what he wants,so there is no incentive to change.

[Aquamarine1029]

How much more writing on the wall do you need to see?

He doesn't want to marry you. Not now. Not ever.

Honestly, stop being so daft and passive and take control of your life.