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AIBU?

AIBU to tell my MIL not to bother?

44 replies

Thund3rMumma · 12/08/2020 20:29

So it's my daughter's 4th birthday on Monday and for the past month been on the phone to MIL who wants to see her on her birthday but worried about the situation. She wants to go out for a meal instead of just being round our house where we have a garden so can social distance. She doesn't seem to understand that no matter what we do my children are going to want to hug them. My partner now has had enough of me bitching and is siding with his mum that going for a meal would be better. BUT I have no problem of them coming over and letting my children hug them because I know they haven't seen anyone in a while and we haven't seen anyone either
AIBU: go to the meal and SD
AINBU: they should let the children hug them.
My children are 2 and 4

OP posts:

Report

Am I being unreasonable?

125 votes. Final results.

POLL

You are being unreasonable

41%

You are NOT being unreasonable

59%

ineedaholidaynow · 12/08/2020 21:53

Would you be eating inside or outside?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2020 21:53

She doesn't want to "risk it" yet she's happy to go to a public restaurant loaded with strangers rather than your private garden? She's nothing but hard work. Sod that. Have the party at home because it will be much more enjoyable for everyone involved, especially having such small children. Dear MIL can stay home if that's what she chooses to do.

Sally872 · 12/08/2020 21:59

They are not being unreasonable to want to socially distance. It is a bigger risk for them. Both you, and grandparents would have to be comfortable to not socially distance. It is hard for the kids at that age but you can make it work.

That said mil can't expect you to go for meal when that isn't really enjoyable for birthday child or you.

Hopefully there is another compromise that suits you all. Walk in a park? Or go to a swing park where grandparents can watch them play but children will be more focused on playing?

Thund3rMumma · 12/08/2020 21:59

Yeah. Her main concern is that my children wouldn't be able to understand that they can't really hug grandma so thinks having a meal will make it easier but I don't think my children will understand either way. Either way I think they will be left upset that they can't be with their grandparents

OP posts:

WhereTheCrawdadsSing · 12/08/2020 22:26

@Thund3rMumma

Yeah. Her main concern is that my children wouldn't be able to understand that they can't really hug grandma so thinks having a meal will make it easier but I don't think my children will understand either way. Either way I think they will be left upset that they can't be with their grandparents

I think she is fixated on the notion that they will be fine not hugging her in a restaurant, but not in your garden. It is not very rational of her at all, as even a hug from two children has got to be better than sitting in a room full of people, having hour food prepared by another room full of different people and then being handled by another person or two en route to your table.

But, you can try an reassure her that you will speak to the dcs. We have a 5 and 2 yo. We have seen GPs and there has been no hugging. The DCs have been really good at understanding that and the GPs have been good at keeping their distance too.

LittleOwl153 · 12/08/2020 23:26

Tbh I dont think I would bother. Either in your garden or in a restaurant a 2yr old is not going to get it and if a 4yr old does then they will still find it very difficult. My 6yr old has found it hard and be spent ti e on school with the drill...he was very relieved when we bubbled with his gran. We took him to McD's tonight. He was all over the place so if there was any covid about he has touched it. Tried to keep him off the umbrella, other bits of seats, phone chargers etc but... he washed his hands before he ate so fingers crossed.

Good luck dealing the the husband who bends to his mothers wishes against the comfort of his children / requests of his wife!

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/08/2020 23:45

YANBU. It is unreasonable of your MiL to expect a 2 and 4 year old to understand they can’t hug their GP when they are eating a meal together in the same room.

I would probably tell your MiL and DP that you are happy to see them but you won’t be party to that sort of enforced social distancing because it will unnecessarily upset the kids and make it an unpleasant time for everyone (but especially for you and the kids). If they don’t want to hug, maybe suggest you have a virtual family meal or maybe you could walk past their house and wave to them in person but not stop and then your DH could go for a socially distanced meal with them, but I would stick to your guns on it not being fair on the kids.

lyralalala · 12/08/2020 23:52

GP's think that a 4yo and a 2yo, who haven't seen them for ages, are going to understand that they're not allowed to hug Granny and Grandad?

Fuck that. That's going to lead to upset children and that's very, very unfair on the 4yo to have her birthday memory as the day she wasn't allowed to hug Granny.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/08/2020 00:01

I always found sitting at a table in a public restaurant with 2 and 4 year olds an absolute trial and if it were up to me it is safer and easier to socially distance, even if you get a take away, the little ones can get down from the table and play whilst the adults sit for hours talking.
No one has to hug if they don't want to, you effectively quarantined for some time so it should be fine. but if they are going to make such an issue of it I simply can't see why being in a public restaurant surrounded by strangers is any safer than your garden, particularly as you will be back and forth to a public loo with the children at that age.

Thund3rMumma · 13/08/2020 00:02

What also makes it worse is we don't live close to each other. An hours drive but we don't have a car due to insurance reasons so would have to get a taxi to the restaurant that they are wanting the meal to be at. Like it's on the other side of town from our house. I'm going to ask DD what she wants to do. My original plan was have breakfast whatever she chooses open presents have lunch and cake with grandparents and then have dinner again whatever she chooses. And like everything else corona has changed how we would do things because we can only see one side of the family for her day whereas we would see mine as well and go out. I just want the day to be enjoyable for my daughter and not have her upset

OP posts:

sitckmansladylove · 13/08/2020 00:04

Just stick to your guns. So mil wants it at a restaurant of her choosing.
Your idea is much nicer and stress free.

yoyo1234 · 13/08/2020 00:29

I also would think a restaurant with lots of people and inside ( I presume) has far greater risk of SARS Cov 2 virus transmission than a meet up in the garden. Also I would not like to have to pile into a taxi either at the moment. Sounds like the restaurant is a major factor here.
If they are concerned I think those most at risk have the right to say "no" to things they are uncomfortable with -however I do not understand the reasoning for restaurant Vs private garden.
Is it MIL alone and have you bubbled with her ( if not are cuddles etc meant to occur ?).

thecatinthetwat · 13/08/2020 00:43

Yes you are right, do what’s best for your daughter. If not hugging grandma would be too difficult to understand or be too upsetting for your children then tell mil she’ll have to wait until she feels it’s safe to hug. I think this plan to get around the hug is nonsense, won’t work and will be an unpleasant birthday for a 4 year old.

Porcupineinwaiting · 13/08/2020 02:54

Supposing she broke her hip OP? Would you refuse to take your children to see her, or would you explain to the 4 year old that grandma cant be hugged right now and watch the 2 year old so hugs didnt happen?

StoppinBy · 13/08/2020 03:29

Personally I wouldn't want to go out for a meal with a 2/4 year old anyway.

It's your daughter's birthday I certainly wouldn't be choosing to take her out just to sit in a chair all night as a way to celebrate with her.

If your MIL doesn't want to hug the kids I think that's understandable but I do question how it would make the children feel that they cannot be close to their grandparents. It may be best to leave it for a while until they are more comfortable with the kids?

StoppinBy · 13/08/2020 03:32

@Porcupineinwaiting my Grandma broke her hip when my children were very young, it didn't stop them hugging her, we just had to make sure they were very gentle. Surely that's what you would do any time someone was injured rather than tell them not to touch at all?

TitsOutForHarambe · 13/08/2020 05:00

Oh for goodness sake, why is she trying to dictate to everyone what happens at your daughter's birthday? Does she usually take over plans and change everything to suit herself?

Just stick to the lovely day you had planned and tell your MIL she is invited and it's up to her whether or not she comes. This whole business of the children understanding SD better in a restaurant setting makes no sense and is over complicating everything for no reason.

Yeahnahmum · 13/08/2020 05:11

Your aibu voting i didnt quite get
But..... i would stick to the : come over to ny house for a meal or nothing at all mil. It is Not her decision what you guys should do for YOUR KID'S birthday.

Tell her no.

CheshireDing · 13/08/2020 05:16

It sounds rubbish OP.
We have small children and I honestly wouldn’t even bother asking them if they wanted to go for a meal indoors for a birthday, sounds like a right pain in the ass and your DD will want to play with her new toys , not sit all stuffy at a table (indoors whilst Covid is about). Plus you say getting an expensive taxi (and presumably dragging your car seats around then)
Just stay home, or go to the park for a picnic etc.

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