How pissed off/fed up should I be?

[FiftiethNameChange]

Honestly... I don't really have the energy any more. I'm going to attempt not to drip feed but as my username suggests, I post quite regularly and I don't want this tied to my other posts. I just want some abstract advice, please, from whoever will listen. Ask any questions you want, I'll answer. If you can get through the wall of text.

DCs birthday is in a few days. We are having a party, but it's only a 2nd birthday party so to be honest I wasn't planning to go all out, regardless of lockdown/pandemic crap. I just want a nice celebration with a few pictures for memories. Last year, we had a much 'bigger' party. Invited friends and family from both sides. Prepared all sorts of food. It was lovely. DC won't remember it but there are enough pictures and memories to last a lifetime, I hope. Not important though.

My mother and youngest brother have fallen out with DP. Or he's fallen out with them. Or both. They hate each other. I'm not in contact with my other brother so that's a moot point. They're my closest friends at the moment anyway. For personal reasons, I've managed to distance myself from all of my other friends. My closest non relative friend has severe OCD and anxiety and would not be able to attend the event this year due to concerns about the virus. I'm obviously sad about this but I respect him and his feelings and I'm in no way annoyed that he can't come.

My brother is forbidden from attending. Forbidden from ever coming to the house. My mother will not attend because of this. She will only visit me when DP is not here.

DP has invited his family and a few of his friends. He didn't 'ask' me or let me know he was planning to. He just told me they were coming. His family are visiting from far away so will be staying for a long time around the actual party. One of his friends and the wife, I have never met.

I've been feeling low recently anyway. I've been struggling to leave the house due to my own anxieties. Recently, my CBT therapy has been discontinued, with the therapist citing 'lack of support at home' as the reason she can't continue my sessions. This honestly made me feel as though the floor fell from underneath me. I don't know what to do about that, so I'm waiting for a call back from the GP to hopefully discuss this. Because of all of that, I haven't been as on top of the housework as I usually am, so it's a state. And I'm not saying that in a precious 'oh my, forgive the stale pot-pourri' way - it's a shit hole. I would rather nobody came to the house if I'm honest. I'm trying not to be too uptight about that though. I don't want to be a cow. I keep it clean enough for my children to play and be safe. I just don't have the energy to even think about cleaning up to a standard where I'd be happy to welcome strangers into the home to host a party. I'm going to either have to suck it up and clean, or give up and let them come and turn their noses up.

Thinking about the 'party' now just makes me want to curl up and sleep. I think the final straw this evening was DP telling me about his 'plans' for the next few days. All personal things for relaxation and self development as he's on his rest days from work, no plans to blitz the house. I don't feel like I've had a 'rest day' since I gave birth. But I'm a SAHM. That's my role and my responsibility. I read a lot of threads here and I get the gist. And besides, he would disagree anyway. I'm probably making a mountain out of a mole hill. I know I'm in a better position to clean up because I don't work full time and I don't earn any money.

I'm feeling emotional and tired. I've tried telling him what's wrong, he gets cross that I'm pushing back against him having guests when I could have my own. I don't feel that's true. Do we agree to disagree?

Have I explained all of that clearly? I'm not trying to be vague. I'm tired and fed up and sad. I was also angry but I can't be bothered with that anymore.

What should I do? Or more, should I be feeling so sorry for myself?

Thanks for reading this far if you have.

[LakieLady]

Your husband sounds very controlling and he is isolating you from your family, while expecting you to accommodate and cater for his family and friends.

Imo, this is emotionally abusive, and that's without even considering the fact that you never get any downtime.

It's no wonder that you're feeling low and at the end of your tether. You need to tell him how you feel and explain that you need him to step up.

[missingmyholidays]

I think you should find another counsellor for you and try to find yourself. Then you can decide where the problems lie- DM, DB, DH? I suspect all of the above but you need to work that out for yourself. And then decide what you want to do about it. You get to be in chaos your life, good luck

[Pumpkintopf]

Really glad to hear it. Hope the conversations are constructive and that you get some help with the house and a bit more time to yourself!

[FiftiethNameChange]

@Pumpkintopf a break of just over an hour but it felt like a spa day for me I had a cup of tea in a quiet room and did some reading. I feel a lot more relaxed now and a lot more clear headed. DH has also agreed to discuss who we are having over for the party. I'm very glad I chose to start the thread, thank you everyone for your advice and thank you Pumpkin for checking in x

[Pumpkintopf]

How has today been op? Did you get a break?

[TDogsInHats]

You're heading for a stressful breakdown if you carry on in this vein.
First of all, you will be breaking C19 guidelines if you have multiple families in your house. This pandemic will never end and lockdown will be reinstated at this rate.
Take the children to a local park/play area for the birthday party.
Do not host at yours.
If your H says no it's not happening that way, I think you'll have to leave him to sort the whole thing out while you go to visit your mum.

[Thelnebriati]

Please read mellowww's post, and then come back to it in 2 or 3 days and read it again.

[FiftiethNameChange]

Regarding the phone calls, I regularly FaceTime my mum so she can see the DC. When my brother is there with her, he's aware that anybody in the room with me can hear him and he takes advantage of that.

[FiftiethNameChange]

@2155User I appreciate I wasn't clear earlier, but I have very much made it clear which members of his family I'm not comfortable having here. Without drip feeding but to give a firm example, one is a drunk. He shows up at the door sometimes as late as 2am, completely off his face on any number of substances. I make it explicitly clear to DH that I'm not happy for that man to stay here overnight, because I worry about what he'll do when we're all asleep. It's things like this that make me uncomfortable, I'm not interested in any kind of 'eye for an eye' family banning. DH isn't encouraging him to stay necessarily, but he categorically will not ever ask him to leave, no matter how much of a fuss I make. So I do speak up sometimes. Not as often as I should though. It's these things that make me think if that's acceptable, why can't my so called arsehole brother drop by occasionally.

[TopBitchoftheWitches]

How can your husband hear comments during phone calls from your brother?

[2155User]

Going against the general consensus here, but I do think you're making an absolute fuss over nothing.

It's not just your house, it's also your DH, and if your brother got in his face/angry then your DH has every right not to want him in the house again.

If you don't want members of DH family in your house then you're well within your rights to do that, but you don't, so no sympathy there.

Your husband is allowed to invite who he wishes to the party if you don't say otherwise or don't say specific people you don't want there.

If you don't speak up, then why on earth would anything change.

[laughingandcrying]

Op you've got bigger issues here than a party. Your husband is a controlling, selfish, lazy nasty man and has no right to be banning your family from your home. I wouldn't be continuing a relationship with him.

[Motoko]

It looks like you've gone from a physically abusive relationship, to an emotionally abusive relationship, and I think your mum and brother can see that.

Why have you pushed your friends away?

Regarding spending some time away from your children, you really should get an hour or two to spend on your own. It's not healthy to be with them all the time, for you, and them.

You either need to stand up for yourself more, stop allowing your partner to dictate your life, or leave the relationship. Personally, I think you should LTB, because unless you can stand up to him, your life is going to get worse.

[FiftiethNameChange]

Thank you, I appreciate all of the sincere replies. Apologies for disappearing for so long, the mornings tend to be quite hectic. I am taking on board a lot of what's been said. The bit about feeling worse now than I did in my abusive relationship really struck a chord, as although I didn't explicitly say that, it's certainly how it comes across.

I'm going to request a break today and see how things go from there. I'll also try not to think about the 'party' for a few hours. One night of feeling sorry for myself might not be the be all and end all of the relationship. At least I hope not. But I feel like I've had my eyes opened to a lot and I appreciate people taking the time to talk to me despite my miserable outlook.

[kavalkada]

OP, I'm really sorry to see you like that.

Your husband, the way he behaves, is really crap husband. You keep repeating you love your children and you wouldn't like to be away from them, but you need rest, you need some alone time and now.

I'm also a SAHM with two small kids and a husband with a very demanding job. I treat being SAHM like a job, so while my husband is working, I'm also working, but cleaning, cooking, taking care of kids. We both have half an hour break to eat lunch in peace. The moment he stops working, it is half half. If he has two hours for himself, I have after that. If he is putting kids to sleep on monday, I'm putting them on tuesday. He'll have two week off soon and we'll both have a holiday, not just him.

Is your husband a reasonable human being who understands you need a rest, not just him. And complete rest, even if it is just reading a book in your bedroom for two hours while nobody bothers (unless it is a medical emergency). Because if he doesn't, there is probably no future in that marriage.

You have to be a team. When you love somebody, you want them to be happy and rested and you'll do everything so that happens. That works for both sides.

I'm wishing you all the best. Take care.

[Shoxfordian]

Tell your husband if he wants all these people over then they have to be in the garden and you need him to step up and start organising it. Can you talk to your brother and mum to try to calm things down as well? It sounds like your mental health is directly linked to your unhappiness at home

[mellowww]

And yes it's your house too. He doesn't get to ban your family.

[mellowww]

You feel rising concern, because this is getting out of hand, isn't it?

You can't have your family in your home. You don't have any friends any more. You don't have any free time. You're constantly on duty but the house is still not under control. You don't get a break. And now without consultation an unnecessary party is being thrown for his family and friends. Oh, and the one woman who listened to all and helped you has said she's leaving you to it on your own because it's impossible to help you when he's not helping you.

Bless you. 💐 I'm so sorry, because this sounds a v lonely and upsetting existence.

You say it's worse than when you were being physically abused by your previous partner.

You yourself have said it. You are in this state because you aren't just not getting help from him, he's positively causing some of the main issues.

I can't imagine how angry and trapped I would feel if my partner had the power to 'ban' my brother and mother from my child's second birthday party.

And you are so undermined that it's affecting your belief in your ability to cope with pretty much anything.

I'm not surprised your bro wanted to deck him ......

This is going to have to change. You or someone are going to have to stand up to him.

Re the party - yes I'd take DC and go to your mum's. Say you feel unwell and it v tired and you need time with your family. Let him have the run of the house for his party.

And have a talk with your mum and make a plan of campaign.

Your first step is to accept that the current situation is intolerable and needs to change. Xxxx

[AlternativePerspective]

So, your brother is banned from the house while your DP has his friends and family over at will, You’ve cut yourself off from your friends, (why is that?) and your husband spends all his time doing things for just himself while you don’t get any time of your own....

TBH I think your family and counsellor are right, but that aside, do you want your brother over? Never mind that he has behaved like an idiot in the past, but this is the here and now. Because if so then I would tell your DP that it’s your house too and you’ll have over whoever you want.

You need to stand up for yourself here. Tomorrow when your DP is off work get up early and tell him that you’re glad he’s off, because you’re off for a walk for a couple of hours. Tell him that you’ll be back so he can do some of his own thing (balance still is important on both sides) but that at the moment you haven’t had any time to yourself since the beginning of lockdown so it’s great he’s home to look after the kids. Then wave them all a cheery goodbye and head out for a couple of hours...

[HannaYeah]

Honestly you sound exhausted and like you need someone on your team.

I don’t think you should be expected to cook and clean and host for a bunch of people while you have no one in your corner.

I don’t have any advice, just understanding and hope that things improve for you.

[AutumnLeavesSeptember]

H issues aside it sounds like you do need to separate from the kids a bit. Somehow that nagging feeling is that you should always be there with them. But once you do go out a few times I think you'll start finding some enjoyment, even if it's just a walk in the park listening to some music.

[3cats]

Honestly, I think you'd find that your mental health would improve a lot if you did LTB. It sounds like you don't want to do that though, so not sure what else to suggest. Because, I think things will always be hard with him in your life.

[FiftiethNameChange]

I'm genuinely considering it now! I didn't read it as flippant. I'd probably end up taking DC with me though as I'd miss them

[NaNaNaNaNaNaBaNaNa]

(That sounded flippant, but I didn't mean it to be. You've got big issues in your life you need to address, but right now please just get away for a bit. It'll only get worse if you don't get a break or change of routine.)

[NaNaNaNaNaNaBaNaNa]

Sounds to me like this "party" is the perfect opportunity to go and stay with your mum for a bit. Leave your husband with the house and the childcare since he has some days off for the party. You don't need to be involved.

Get packing girl, and take some much needed time off.