How long to stop missing our old house

[Octopus37]

Hi, sorry if I've posted in the wrong topic, but just need to know I'm going to feel better.
We have recently moved house, about 20 minutes away from where we were before. Doesn't sound a lot, I dont drive and have gone from it taking 5 mins to walk into town to 20 mins. There are buses nearby, but the public transport isn't as good. We have moved from a two level house to a town house, had loads of built in furniture at the old house, need wardrobes, drawers etc here, only 10 days in, everythings a mess, wardrobe rails have broken. DH good at putting things togeher but quite methodical, likes to do one thing at a time, refuses point blank to have people in to build wardrobes. Also he has loads of stuff, did declutter before we moved, but still too much stuff.

I'm aware how irrational this sounds, but we moved from our old house because our DS2's room was tiny, we had had lots of problems with the house, DH needed a fresh start, he has been unhappy at work difficult few years for various reasons. Thought about a loft conversion, but we fell out with our neighbours a couple of years ago, didn't speak after that at all, very stressful.

When we decided on this house (buying not renting), I knew that it was a bit far out of town for me than it ideal, but thought it would be ok, could make it work, wanted DH and the boys to be happy. Was very 50/50 about it before lockdown, during lockdown started to feel that the move would be great cause we need more space, a fresh start etc.
I'm aware how bratty and immature I sound, if I had said no way to this house, it would have caused loads of bad feeling, resentment, husband says not, I ended up telling him how I felt a couple of days ago. Everyone keeps telling me that its a nicer area cause its quieter, but that doesn't do it for me. Know I'm not being very rational, suspect I'm menopausal (I'm 45), my own work situation isn't great, have struggled during lockdown like everyone else, so don't want to be flamed please.
I know I let this happen, but just really hope that I feel better soon, having to really push myself to be positive right now.A facebook memory of having exchanged on our old house came up this morning from 11 years ago, made me cry. Has anyone else felt the same but felt loads more positive in time.

[Guineapigbridge]

Just arrange the wardrobe people to come in. What's DH gonna do about it? Be pissy for a couple of hours, so what!!? At least you get to settle in properly. Ask forgiveness, not permission is my motto.

[Mmmmycorona]

We moved 4 minutes away from our old house, 6 months ago.
It’s only now starting to feel like we made the right choice. A lot of it’s to do (I think) with us starting to do work on our house and making it our home.

[Gunpowder]

It’s really early days yet! And of course it doesn’t feel like home if you don’t have wardrobes and nothing in your house has a ‘home’ yet. I’d tell my DH getting someone in to build the furniture was non-negotiable and would make you happy. Maybe he could go out the day they come.

[Thaddit]

I moved house three years ago in August. I very rarely go back to see my old neighbours who were great friends. I don’t like seeing the house I use to live in anymore. The new people have decimated the front garden which was full of lovely plants. Also left them some very nice window boxes which they have got rid of, i would have taken them had I realised.

[SadSisters]

I had similar feelings when I moved into my current house OP. We went from a flat near the centre of a thriving, beautiful city to deepest suburbia. In the first few days of total chaos and stress, I felt like I had walked away from all amenities, conveniences and fun.

Now that we are settled in I absolutely adore our house. I love having more space, I love having a garden, and I love everything we have gained from being further from the city centre (right on the edge of lovely countryside, really friendly neighbours etc). I wouldn’t move back now for anything, I really love it here.

So give it some time - once you are settled, it will start to feel like home.

[nannyplumsmagranny]

It is a big change.

I don't think I've ever missed my old house. My neighbours were psychos.

Fallen out with new neighbour already but still very very happy living here. Rarely see neighbour anyway so not a problem for me.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Also don't let your DH be the one calling the shots here: it will make you feel worse to have no control over the things you could do to improve your situation and it will make you resent him:

refuses point blank to have people in to build wardrobes

It's not just his decision unfortunately. If he is going to take ages to build a wardrobe and it does not suit, then get someone in OR buy one.

If it's all a case of 'No, we'll be doing it THIS way' - no wonder you feel the way you do.

[Meruem]

I think also there can be a tendency to look back on old homes with rose tinted glasses. I’ve moved a few times and the last house I moved from, I hated with a passion. And yet I look back now and think “it wasn’t so bad”. Actually it was that bad! My current house is a million times nicer and I’m so happy here, but I think it’s a nostalgia thing.

[Octopus37]

Thanks for all the advice. Learning to drive isn't an option for me tbh, I cannot afford it, we cannot afford to run two cars, I wouldn't ever drive DH's and I failed my test 4 times cause I was such a nervous wreck. I have found a quicker walk into town which helped today and also talked it all over with a friend. The buses aren't that bad, I was just very spoilt before.

Its true that I need to remember the reasons why we moved, lack of space, unhappy husband, horrible neighbours. We were in the house for 11 years, moved when our boys were 4 and 18 months, I think I'll always miss the location rather than the convenience. I did at the time think that it would be our forever home, agree that lockdown hasn't helped. Thanks again everyone for the advice and for not flaming me.

[GoodbyeToCare]

We moved house last September and it's only now that this house is starting to feel like home. I'm still not fully there yet but it is a getting better.

[EmperorCovidula]

It sounds like you haven’t really moved in properly yet. Short out your furniture properly, decorate your your taste and see how you feel. And fgs just pay for someone to come and do your furniture, your DH can’t expect you to put up without proper furnishings because he’s a control freak.

[billy1966]

OP,
First off, stop beating yourself up about feeling sad.

That is NOT going to help.

Moving is deeply stressful at the best of times and you have done it during an unbelievably stressful time in the world.

These are early days yet.

Tell your husband how you feel and that making faster progress in settling in.

It's a pity he had to bring so much crap with him.

He has an obligation to help you settle by clearing out some of his stuff.

Don't be dismissed by him.
He can help you feel better through this.

[notangelinajolie]

We have moved a fair few times but we've been in our current house for over 10 years. I still can't bring myself to call it home. Even when I talk of going home in a conversation - I will say I'm going back to 'the house'.

[dottiedodah]

I think it takes time to "settle " in to a new home, as it does any big life change really. If you think about your old home and its issues with the neighbours ,lack of space and so on, it probably wont seem quite as great! Can you learn to drive at all? It really makes a big difference to your life .I learnt on an automatic and havent looked back! Showofhands My Auntie and Uncle were in their house for 50 odd years! Both had to go to sheltered housing, and poor Cousins are still sorting house out now!

[BogRollBOGOF]

Decorating it and making it "yours" makes a big difference.

I first moved into DH's house, and it took 1-2 years to really feel like my home too. Decorating definitly helped to ease his dominance and get my personality in too.

We moved on locally when our first was a baby. We loved the space of the house... shame about the decor... A few months later dealing with the headache inducing combination of shiny laminate reflecting spotlight beams, and brown faux-70s wall paper in the lounge really helped.

The garden has taken much longer to adjust to, but gardens take years to mature anyway and I've had less time to tend to and bond with it.

I can see hoe lockdown would have an effect. It's hard enough spending so much time kicking around the house anyway, especially if it's not feeling homely and the logistics of clearing out and customising it have been interfered with.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I think you have to look to the reasons you made the move and hold on to them.

Things are chaotic atm but once everything is done then you can start living there properly.

Would learning to drive help or getting a bike with a basket to cycle to the shops so you are more under your own power than waiting for a bus

[ShowOfHands]

I always feel like that when I move. I hate the unfamiliarity of a new home, groping around for light switches, the discombobulating geography of new bricks and mortar. It takes me a while to settle. I attach memories to places quite viscerally too and struggle to let go. I think it's quite normal. You just have to give it time and a bit of yourself invested in the new place.

My ILs literally built their own home and produced 4 children and raised them all to adulthood there. Their grandchildren have played there, climbed the oak tree that their parents planted as toddlers. It has lifetimes of memories and happiness in every room. But it's a 5 bed detached house in the country and they're retired and need to downsize. I've no idea what they'll do. It seems heartbreaking to even think of that not being "home" and I've only been going there for 21 years!

[tara66]

Try to find something you really like about new house and concentrate on that. It is up to you to make it so you really love it. Perhaps a few rolls of beautiful wallpaper? You may always miss the other house.

[Evenstar]

I know that the home I left not by my own choice almost 20 years ago (work move for then DH) will be somewhere I will never stop missing. I also know that now and for many years gone by it would have been too large, too rural and too expensive to run and the wrong place to live when my now grown up DC were teenagers. Given all that the only option is acceptance, and I have had many happy times in the homes I have lived in since, part of my nostalgia is that my parents and first husband have passed away so there are memories attached to that house that can’t be recreated. You have your husband and DC there, the work that needs doing will get done and the house will come to feel like home, especially when this strange difficult time for us all is over.

I think what I am saying is you may always miss that special house that was your home for so long, but it will get better and the new home and new memories you will make there will be precious too.

[BBCONEANDTWO]

OMG this is buyer's remorse and I had it when we moved to this house which is about 20 minutes walk away from our old house, in a little bit better area than where we were. I cried for weeks after at night wondering why we'd moved. Now I look back and think I was ridiculous but you have to go through it I guess. This house is a little smaller and I had to keep decluttering after we moved in. I got imaginative and bought a great big chest of drawers and put it in the living room and make it look like a sideboard. I put 2 rails at different levels in my wardrobe to double my hanging space and general decluttered, decluttered and decluttered. I don't buy stuff unless I throw something out and I only have 6 pairs of shoes/boots. It's actually better and I'm sure you will perk up once you're more settled in.

[CarolVordermansArse]

I still miss my real home and it is about 20 years since I moved, however I knew I would leave it one day, it was just too soon. If I liked where I am maybe I could just think differently. The one I moved to after that was just somewhere to endure.

This probably won't help either but I am still missing my last house after more than 7 years, loved it and didn't want to leave but just got on with it but I can't settle here no matter what I do, it is not and never will be home.

[StCharlotte]

I'm aware how irrational this sounds, but we moved from our old house because our DS2's room was tiny, we had had lots of problems with the house, DH needed a fresh start, he has been unhappy at work difficult few years for various reasons. Thought about a loft conversion, but we fell out with our neighbours a couple of years ago, didn't speak after that at all, very stressful.

Think about the reasons you moved. I don't think you actually miss your old house, you just need time to get to love your new house

[Gingercatlover]

Yes I felt like this five and a half years ago, we moved five minutes down the road to the next village.

As soon as we had decorated throughout and made it ours it felt so much better.

I'm sure it will be the same for you

[RhianFuckingMorris]

5 years on I still simetimes she'd a tear when I drive past my old house.

I see my current homes as temporary. Might several years temporary but thus isn't my forever home. It's for now. That's how I have had to think from the day we moved here. That's how I cope.

[GreyishDays]

You don’t sound bratty at all. Are there any quick wins to make it seem better?