To try and help my sister who feels a lot of resentment towards her sons sen school.

[quizacabusi81]

Hi all

My sister has a little boy who is 5 in October.
He has autism, he is non verbal with very limited understanding. He is her only child.

He currently splits his time between a mainstream nursery ( attached to a mainstream school) where he has full time 1:1 support and a nursery attached to a sen school.

My sister loves the mainstream nursery and is always singing its praises but is very resentful of the other setting ( which he will go to full time in September) she is critical of every aspect of the school.

She criticises his care, has contacted mps and picks apart every thing they are doing and trying to implement.

The mainstream nursery cannot manage his complex needs so he won't remain there and attend the attached school when he begins reception this year.

The school he will attend specialises in autism and I know other parents of children who attend the school that sing their praises from the rooftops.

My sister is increasingly negative about it.
I think a lot of it is that she wants him to have some "Normality"and maybe on another level there's an element of denial.
( She mentioned him being more capable and advanced than other children there)

I haven't written this thread to judge it's from a place of genuine concern as I don't want my nephew to start the school from a negative standpoint, she is making it very difficult for the staff and I don't want them to see her as a problem parents before he properly starts.

Do you think she will develop an element of acceptance as he goes through the school? Is there anything I can do to help!?

[SmileEachDay]

Does your sister agree with the outcomes described in her son’s EHCP? If he’s attended nursery in both settings, I’d assume both settings have attended review meetings?

I’d expect the setting taking over in September to have a detailed plan for how those outcomes are to be achieved. Do you know if that is the case?

[forrestgreen]

I think I'd ask her to be poi's I've about the school in front of ds.
If she's worried about a lack of NT child contact then look for out of school clubs that include children with autism.
I do think it's easy the think a child copes well in a situation when they're younger but as they all grow up differences appear and it's sad to see even at the more inclusive schools.
So I guess my advice would be to look for out of school clubs, see how he settles and give them a chance, but also keeping an eye on what other provision might be available.

[Lucywilde]

I’m a parent to two children with Sen. One in a Sen school and one in a mainstream. I had a friend who was a teacher. Her son attended the same mainstream as mine. She was adamant her youngest son did not have autism. I felt it was obvious having spent a lot of time with them but it wasn’t my place to say anything. She fought against professionals saying it was just a speech delay. Ironically she moved her son to a school that is typically for children with autism. She felt it very hard to accept her son had autism and to this day still does.

My youngest is very capable but has complex needs and after a year in mainstream, it was clear his needs were best met in a Sen school. He can dress himself, has excellent receptive language, but his expressive language is poor. He needed a different environment. Not all Sen schools are brilliant though and it can be very hard viewing one because there are so many kids with different needs there. And for some parents it can be very very hard to accept your child is neurodiverse and they won’t follow the path that most will. It might not be the case with your sister at all. You become used to their ways and you accept them for them and fit in with them. All you can do is be there for your sister and support her choices. It’s not always simple when you’re on the outside.

[quizacabusi81]

To answer some questions she has a husband but he struggles to cope at times.. he takes himself off upstairs when my nephew has meltdowns or when he makes his noises!

I personally think she can't quite accept the fact that mainstream isnt for him which is understandable as it must feel like a loss to her.

As stated previously his needs are very complex and his behaviour can be very difficult to manage... it hasn't helped my sister when parents of other children at the nursery have complained that he has hurt their child.

She says she wants him to go to a mainstream school as she doesn't feel his social skills will develop around other children with autism. She isn't happy with the assessments they are doing with him and wants him to do more "work"

I think my only option is to support her without judgment and see how things pan out.

I just want the best for them,

[Snowcappedmountains]

I just wanted to add that my daughhter goes to a school where there is a mainstream and a specialist school together. They have assembly's, lunchtime/breaks together, they can join mainstream classes and they have friendship groups. Would she be interested in something like that? My daughter has been thriving since starting school, she was non verbal when she started and since starting her language has come on leaps and bounds

[SugarPlumFairyCakes]

Really need to make sure his EHCP is up to date and Section F is quantified. As said before, both nurseries should have fed into the Annual Review, or if a newish plan, the EP and any therapy reports have been done in both settings and parents views accurately taken I to account.
Right to be educated in mainstream and may be able to work really well with Secion F correct and resourced properly.
There are many children who move from mainstream into special..... Very few who from special to mainstream.
Hope it works out for the family

[Oblomov20]

I totally agree with Poppin:
"A significant proportion of school staff are very inflexible and will use one set of strategies that they have seen work. If they don't work for other children, they plough on regardless and blame the child or the parents. "

This is so true. Most staff are so set in their ways, and won't listen.

We, as a family have been broken by the system. My son is actually very mild, very bright but lazy and has actually thrived in secondary, has loads of friends, is at loads of parties and has been really socially happy - although it has been very difficult.

Most schools are do rigid, they just can't cater for the wide spectrum of children they get. I understand your sister. I bet her ds is being failed. Miserably.

[Poppinjay]

She has been told he won't thrive in mainstream as his needs are to complex.

I've been told all sorts of things by professionals that were completely incorrect and were opinions that they weren't qualified to express. These opinions have often contradicted each other.

I was told by a member of the school senior leadership team that I was unrealistic to expect my DD1 to attain 5 GCSEs. She has just completed a degree in Biomedical Sciences.

No parent should just accept an opinion that isn't backed up by substantial evidence from a professional who knows their child very well and is qualified to express the opinion. Even then, if it conflicts with their own instincts, blind acceptance isn't a good idea.

Also, lots of schools tell parents that they can't meet a child's needs when what they mean is that they would struggle to fund the support the child needs and don't want to have to fight for the extra funding they would need. Whilst I have sympathy for that view, it is not a good reason to prevent a child from accessing a mainstream education if that is their parents' preference. That is backed up in law.

[Waveysnail]

I think its difficult. If he lashes out and bits on a regular basis then he wont make friends in mainstream and the other parents will be up in arms. Sadly have seen it happen. The child is excluded as other children come to fear unpredictable behaviour. I'd be her sounding board and support her the best you can.