Marking what should have been our wedding day...

[JorisBonson]

DP and I were due to get married next weekend, obviously not happening now. I'm surprisingly ok about it but know I'm going to feel a bit blue come the actual day.

I kept the booked weekend off work and asked DP if he'd plan something, even if it's just something in the house (for context, I plan 95% of what we do, have had his birthday in lockdown, done theme days in the garden which sounds shit but was a good laugh).

Yesterday he got the right arse about having to plan something, as he hoped a restaurant we like would be open so we could go there. He suggested we would got for a walk - I fucking hate going for walks. He proceeded to take saying we would just get a takeaway, when I countered that I'd tried to make lockdown easier with fun things and managed to give him a pretty good birthday, he moaned that he's not good at stuff like that. So I left it there 🙄

WIBU to tell him to fuck off and spend the day drinking prosecco in my best friends garden, seeing as he obviously doesn't give a flying fuck?

(Can you tell I've woken up in a bad mood about this?)

[Fattyboom]

It was our 'should have been' wedding day on Saturday. We got in nice food, plenty of bubbles and had a takeaway

[TranielleRadcliffe]

My birthday (I know not the same as a wedding day) was mid lockdown. My DH and I were both WFH but for the evening, he organised a FaceTime call with my family and we all got takeaway. We’ve done a few FaceTime craft days or Task Master activities with my family. Takes a bit of thinking ahead but possible to do.

As PP’s have said, some people aren’t good at planning exciting days when you can’t go anywhere. I think YABU to demand he organise it all.

[ittakes2]

YABU - it sounds like you are setting him up to fail. Marriage is a two way street - if this really meant something special to you I think it would make more sense to come up with some ideas together and then allocate tasks.... like how weddings are meant to be. Boy you came up with an idea, tasked him to think of things and when he did mocked him. He’s not you. It’s nice you have come up with ideas for his birthday - but it sounds like you are approaching this tit for tat. You’ve done something nice for him so you expect he has to do something nice for you. Honestly, I am wondering if you two should be getting married if this is how your special day has started? Are you sure you want to marry him? It sounds like you might be trying to sabotage things.

[IwishIhadaMargarita]

I’m crap at planning the kind of thing you seem to want and your response would make me feel like shite. Your poor fiancé.

[thecatsthecats]

Trust me, it's a mindset that has taken some, ahem, adjustment on both sides

(the moment, six weeks into lockdown and the cleaner not coming when I realised that I hadn't given a single thought to how the bins were going out was an eye opener too, lol)

The taking turns approach was both fun and relaxed - you could do the same on your unwedding day.

[RedRed9]

@IndiaMay I don’t know what type of wedding you’re after but five person ceremonies are allowed to go ahead from 1st August here.

[IndiaMay]

@ChangeThePassword that's really good then they were allowed in those circumstances. I'm just frustrated I guess. I can live with my Partner, shop with him, just not allowed to marry him atm.

[JorisBonson]

@thecatsthecats

I'd have thought a takeaway would be on lots of people's minds in the circumstances, not sure why it's out of order as a suggestion.

We had a special date weekend where we took turns making cocktails followed by takeaway once sufficiently tipsy.

Both of us being on top of each other all the time have been conscious to avoid 'I want' spilling over into 'I need' - we try to be respectful of each other, but one person's preferences don't automatically become the other's obligation.

That's a really good way to look at things👍

[Ducklingfarm]

Realistically if your not a creative planner type a nice walk and a take away are all there really is to do so yes I think you are being unreasonable as he is also probably down in the dumps about it, but you could expand on his thought make it a beach day, not sure if you have kids but if you do go find lots of pretty pebbles/shells and make hearts, write little love messages in the sand, take lots of pictures, order an afternoon tea and collect on the way and sip your prosecco together on the beach, come home and cook something special together then you have covered the take away part with afternoon tea and the walk is along the beach!

[thecatsthecats]

I'd have thought a takeaway would be on lots of people's minds in the circumstances, not sure why it's out of order as a suggestion.

We had a special date weekend where we took turns making cocktails followed by takeaway once sufficiently tipsy.

Both of us being on top of each other all the time have been conscious to avoid 'I want' spilling over into 'I need' - we try to be respectful of each other, but one person's preferences don't automatically become the other's obligation.

[starrynight87]

I think most men just don't realise or care why making an effort is important.

[ChangeThePassword]

People are dying and literally cannot be married beforehand

That might depend on where you live, but a friend of mine was allowed to marry a couple in that exact circumstances. They had to get special permission beforehand.

[IndiaMay]

Nope @Lynda07 marriages have been banned here since mid march! Its completely ridiculous. People are dying and literally cannot be married beforehand. There was about 2 weeks in march you could marry with 2 witnesses and the celebrant only in the room and then that changed.

We marked our wedding day (which was during peak lockdown - 1 hour excersise only etc.) With a lovely day. My fiance was fully on board though. We wore our rings just for the day, had bucksfizz and fancy pastries from our local artisan bakery in bed, we went for an hour walk and took some photos in a public flower garden to remember the day by, spent the day in the garden with prosecco/beer and snacks listening to the wedding disco playlist we had put together (annoyingly it was the perfect sunny spring day). And then in the evening we had a graze board we bought all the ingredients for in advance (as we love meats, cheeses etc.) And listened to our wedding breakfast playlist whilst we ate. Comedy film in the eve. It was the perfect day and we went to bed soooo happy. It was actually the day after that I felt horrible. Walking up with nothing left to celebrate, the weather was a bit shit and we didnt have the after glow of an actual marriage.

[Fallsballs]

Did you not know he wasn’t great at planning/surprises/gestures before you agreed to marry him ?!

[GrannyBags]

@Lynda07
You can not get married in Church at the moment, I’m not sure about registry offices.
OP - most men would fail to plan something like this. Can you give him a few suggestions of what you would like and then let him pick one so there is still a bit of a surprise?

[RedRed9]

The things is @JorisBonson you can’t just decide that it’s suddenly solely his job to plan a nice day for you both. That’s hardly in the spirit of weddings!

How about you both plan something nice for each other?

[ChangeThePassword]

it would be nice for him to take some initiative for once

It looks like that's not who he is though. And you can't force him to be that person. It's good that your see that now, so you can decide before you get married whther that's something you are going to be able to accept.

[RedRed9]

I thought people could still get married, only quietly.

Nope. Even the smallest possible number outside a registry office hasn’t been an option.

We’ve been trying to get married throughout lockdown. We just wanted the bloody paperwork done! It’s been allowed in exceptional circumstances only.

[JorisBonson]

Oh, I didn't realise you actually can't get married at all! I thought you could with 2 witnesses. Learn something new every day.

[JorisBonson]

@Lynda07 we could have got married but without our families there, which would have caused a whole load of issues.

I know I'm being a miserable fucker about it, I know that it's just a day and if I want to do something I should take control but, it would be nice for him to take some initiative for once.

But yes, I need some sort of kick up the arse so I don't spend the next 2 weeks moping.

[ineedaholidaynow]

I think weddings are still not allowed in England @Lynda07

[ChangeThePassword]

So - it was your idea to do something, but you have given him the responsibility for sorting it.

Anything he suggests you don't want to do.

You clearly enjoy planning stuff. It's clearly not his thing.

I'm sure he'd be happy if you went to drink prosecco with your friends rather than being a grumpy sod in his company. So yeah, do it.

[Turkeydrumstick]

Can’t you plan something together? We are getting married next year and for our preanniversary (cheesy I know!) we are buying in ‘fancy’ drinks to make cocktails and having a bar crawl around the house- different music and theme for each room. Could you do something like that and him choose a couple of themes?

[Lynda07]

I thought people could still get married, only quietly.

You could have done that - can still do it probably - and have the big 'do' later.

No point in being in a hump about it. He's probably just as disappointed as you, it was going to be his wedding day too. It's up to both of you to plan something nice if you feel it is necessary. Or else phone the Registrar and book yourselves in one day soon.

[edwinbear]

I think YABU. he may also be feeling a bit sad about it and probably doesn't particularly want to celebrate his 'non wedding day'.