To stop my kid from playing computer games?

[Glass45]

My DS (7) has two best friends who have their own tablet and play games on it. I know that’s super normal and it’s weird that my DS doesn’t have one.

Anyway it got to a point where I heard him pretending to another friend he also had a tablet and plays mine craft. Then he spent the day with a third child who went on about it all day (mine craft) and I felt like I was holding DS back so I paid for it and downloaded it on my phone (after much convincing from DH also) and let him play for a bit. I did so very reluctantly (that was Thursday.)

Anyway since then, all he’s done is beg me to play it. All day. He wakes up and starts the begging.

I didn’t want to give him access to games as I think they’re bad for kids and addictive so I’m really annoyed with myself for letting him in the first place.

I sort of want to stop him from playing the game... is it too late? I don’t want to hold him back or be unfair. Some of my friends think I’m being unreasonable if I don’t let him. And so does DH.

[Dontcareforfoodpoisoning]

@Glass45 Not everyone is the same. I played games all throughout my childhood and teenage years, for hours a day, and I still do. I don't know what other people do with their devices, but it is just my hobby. I also have a university degree, good job, my own house and I'm 28. This comes across as boasting, but all I'm trying to say it that gaming is not the devil, and even gaming a lot doesn't necessarily lead to a ruined life.

Gaming has been hugely beneficial for my problem-solving skills. I have met some of my friends through gaming, and we hang out in real life. I also do plenty of other things, but I still love gaming. The main reason your DS is begging is probably because you haven't told him when he can next play. That would drive me up the wall. Imagine starting a really good film and it being turned off halfway through, and nobody is bothering to tell you when you can next watch it. Of course you're going to ask constantly.

It doesn't really matter whether you let him play for an hour a day or an hour a week, but you have to tell him when he can expect to play. It's a bit cruel otherwise.

[ValiaH]

@user8558 My kids love to play outside and make dens as well. It doesn't need to be either or, I love the outdoors and walking, exploring nature, but would also happily spend hours playing Skyrim/ Minecraft/ Sims4. I think it's all about balance, and that's down to us as parents. Its important to me that my kids learn the balance, especially as tech is going to be such a huge part of their lives. We do moderate their game play a lot! I am insistent that they aren't gaming on tablets all the time, or watching kids YouTube (I deleted that app!) Somehow smaller screens like phones or tablets affect my kids more than the PC or playing on the Wii. My middle is autistic, and for her playing minecraft is incredibly therapeutic and gives her a chance to switch off and just focus on something virtual for a couple of hours on the weekend. Its different for every child, but I agree that once the novelty wears off and they know there are set times they can play, it's not as 'all consuming' for them.

[Blackbear19]

The Spectrum tape, kids these days, with hard drives, they don't know they are living

[GetOutOfThereHoggle]

I still remember starting the tape on the spectrum, then running back in an hour later to see if it had loaded lol. Half the time it had failed and you needed to rewind it and try again lol. Kids these days have no idea 🤣 Made it SO exciting when it did work though.

[vanillandhoney]

Gaming has been a "thing" for years. These people are now adults and the vast, vast majority are more than capable of holding down jobs, raising families, participating in sports and living totally normal lives.

I hate the stereotypes that are perpetuated around adult gamers on here - that they're all socially incompetent, lazy, rude, unhealthy and ignorant. It's a hobby just like any other. It's just seen as being bad for you because it involves a screen! Yet the same parents who complain about too much screen time seem to spend hours on Facebook, Instagram and Mumsnet. Why is that any different?

Little and often is the best way. He's only seven so expecting him to go 3-4 days without it is probably a bit unrealistic, but an hour a day of screen time would be fine, no? It still leaves 12 or so hours a day for other things - including school work, exercise, imaginary games, meals, bath etc.

I was that child that wasn't allowed so many things growing up - we didn't have a VHS player, I wasn't allowed to watch the Simpsons, I wasn't allowed a gameboy or to collect Pokemon cards, and I'll tell you something - it was horrible. I know my parents had good intentions but I ended up being horribly excluded in school. I couldn't join in games or conversations because I genuinely had no idea what anyone was talking about.

Don't let your child be like that.

[mumof2exhausted]

Mine is 6 and luckily his friends are all into football/ rugby - generally running around and playing outside. He’d never choose iPad / computer games over playing out with friends but I know as they get older it’s difficult. I am really against computer games for this reason though. They are made specifically to be addictive. We have a wii we play as a family (mario carts etc) and he had iPad but I have chosen the games downloaded and he has a max 30 mins on it. He rarely asks for it. Maybe rightly more in lockdown when he needs a break from playing with his little brother. Don’t give in, be strict on times he can play. It pisses me off that because of those parents who don’t care and let their kids play on computer games for hours those parents who don’t want it come out looking like the bad guys to our kids as they think we’re being mean

[Blackbear19]

Forbidden fruit and all that. Gaming has been a thing since the '70s. I thought the 80's but was corrected by someone on here a couple of weeks ago.
The majority either out grow it or treat it like any other hobby, something done in free time very few become addicted to the point it interferes with living life.

[GetOutOfThereHoggle]

I think of you are clear with boundaries it will work itself out. Explain why you don't want him on all day, he's probably old enough to understand even if he'll not agree lol. My eldest is 8 and I hear him sometimes telling his younger brother that he needs to stop playing before his eyes start hurting and he runs out of vitamin D and turns into a vampire (last bit was his artistic license). Doesn't mean the eldest doesn't fight it and whine at me when say to stop, but I'll take the moaning for the social interactions and mental work outs the games give him when he plays. He knows the boundaries and the reasons. Won't stop him trying to push them, but he gets it.

[TimeWastingButFun]

Buy him a tablet and just restrict the time he's on it? My boys iPads have timers on them that you can set.

[Beechview]

I agree with clear set times although expect initial problems with that too.
Mine would just clock watch and be angsty until they could play.
They could never come off when it was time to stop.
They would refuse to go out or do anything if it clashed with their session time.
After trials and errors, I set their session times to fri, sat and sun from 4 til dinner. That seems to work for us.

[Glass45]

I’m not sure about his ability to self regulate. He’s pretty good when we watch a movie together, I can turn it off when it’s finished and he doesn’t mind. (His sibling goes utterly bananas - is younger.)

I was working Friday and yesterday, hence the no play.

My big fear is that he’ll turn into my DB, to be honest. He’s 18 years younger than me so he had a completely different childhood. My mum bought him an Xbox when he was 5 and he was (maybe still is) seriously addicted to games. He quit school because of it (seriously! Although he did find his way back eventually and did finish school.) He’s still a bit too into them now. When you drag him away from games, he’s sociable and sporty. At the moment, because of lockdown, he’s gained a lot of weight and is playing all day long.

So I swore I’d never let my kids because of that... which is why I’m a bit too militant. I’m quite militant about tv as well. Am worried I’m over reacting about it all and going too far the other way (DH thinks so).

[GetOutOfThereHoggle]

I think a lot depends on your kid. I have one who disappears into games like a rabbit hole and you have to pull him out, the other one isn't that bothered and self regulated better. Just have your time allowance in mind, do what works for you as a family, and what you're comfortable with. Everyone will be a bit different. Then stick to that. Rainy days here inevitably means more screen time, if it's 70 degrees they are in the garden and not shut up inside. You just have to do what feels right for your kid and your family dynamic. I do think a three day wait to go back on is a long time though. It might be better little and often? But like I said, it depends on your family dynamic/work? schedule/ kid's personality etc etc

[Shinyletsbebadguys]

Honestly I think people can be quite histrionic about these games. It is like anything else, children get focused on them and it's the great white whale for a while then they find something else. Parenting is about managing that. By making it a control factor from you in such an extreme way (I mean to be fair you are overreacting after the matter of limited play and a few days ).

Ds1 plays minecraft and we just didnt make a massive deal about it. Rather than set specific times and make it a control thing , after a short period we would tell him we were doing something else (go for a walk, school work , make a game etc) it didnt last long before he naturally began to self regulate.

It was never a battle with us , he knew he could play later for a while so will happily get off of it. Don't get me wrong , if he is in the middle of something specific he will now say so and dependant on the particular task he is either allowed to finish it or its pointed out he can do it another way.

I ascribe to the memory of my DM who made massive arbitrary rules that were often because " well I just know" or " I don't want you to do x y z ". All it made me do was doubt her judgement from a really young age because she couldn't justify or give good reasons , she put the rule in because she panicked and didn't like anything outside if her likes and dislikes. Frankly it meant I was never taught self regulation or sensible risk assessment until I taught myself as an older teen.

Step back , don't make it about whether you like it or don't. Can you evidence or justify your reasoning (in a child centric way of course ) ? Ds1 is far from easy he is ASD and very fixed but it worked with him and it works with neuro typical ds2 on screen time. They will choose not to use them now even when they can.

And seriously I'm like the furthest thing on earth away from fluffy mum , I spend a lot of time using batman voice (usually over sock and coat issues) but this doesn't need to be a battle.

[heartsonacake]

He hasn’t had a chance to play since Thursday, hence the begging. But you’re right - clear set times!

Why hasn’t he had a chance to play since Thursday? That’s a long time for a child especially when you’ve just introduced something new and they have no idea when they’ll get to play it again.

You need to be clear: set boundaries and times for when he can go on so he knows the score.

[Glass45]

This is my fear, user8558! I’m sorry you’re going through that

[GetOutOfThereHoggle]

Both my DS play minecraft, I'm amazed at what they both build, it really gets them thinking and engineering structures.. definitely one of the more educational popular games (I play it with them too and quite enjoy it lol). Mine would be glued to it too if I let them (younger one loves YouTube.. Ryan's Toys.. drives me bonkers lol) so I limit screen time where I can (definitely more lax in lockdown cos I need to get jobs done). Bad behaviour, or arguments when I tell them it's time to switch off (I always give ten min warning so they can save their games) and they lose time on it or lose it altogether if they kick off. It works quite while some days as he has things he has to do to get screen time (school work he's set, have plenty of outside time, family walks etc) so it's a good bargaining chip. Does he argue? YES. Just don't give in and he will get it eventually. I'm glad they've had their tablets (Amazon Fire, £19.99 in sale!), it's been a bit of a social tool for mine through lockdown. Mine has just started playing fortnite on the switch with some friends from school. They what's app each other at same time to chat. He not into class zoom calls (too chaotic) and gets loads of chat time with his mates whilst he's online gaming. He gets an hour a day with his mates on FN. It's lovely to hear him laughing and chatting. Then if he's been outside enough and been good he gets minecraft time later on too. We play that all three of us together. It's a really cute time and we all look forward to it lol (I'm just a big kid, any excuse for a bit of gaming).

[Glass45]

Thanks all. I do worry that I made it a bit to a “forbidden fruit” for him, which is why he’s so obsessed.

He hasn’t had a chance to play since Thursday, hence the begging. But you’re right - clear set times!

I do wish I’d not done it. But then maybe he’d be miserable as he would be missing out on the thing all the kids in his bubble are talking about? (We walk home with the other kids in his bubble, and sometimes play in the woods together after school (I figure they’re together all day long anyway so what’s the harm?!) and they play games that are all about mine craft. It’s obviously the new thing!)

[Bbq1]

Don't stop him now when the poor child has just got access to it Continue to limit the access and just tell dc the more the asks the less likely you'll let him play. Give him an hour at the time of the day, you think best. I don't really like the pull of consoles and gaming myself but unfortunately the use of technology and gaming etc is our children's world, their reality, not necessarily ours.

[user8558]

I'm so sick of the number of parents who let their kids play games all the time. Really sick of it. They do nothing else.

I don't allow DS to play more than 4 hours a week, he's 12 and for the past 5 years has been banned outright from playing games because gaming in moderation when he was younger was simply not at option. He was either playing or WW3 was going on.

He has no behavioural problems, unless games are involved. He cannot regulate his own use. But worst of all its the way it pushes every other interest he has out and it's all he can think of it it's all consuming for him.

He knows I will remove that Xbox the first excuse I get and he's a bit older now and has more self control.

But I despise them.

And I despise that it's all his friends talk about.

I despise how sad that makes him.

I hate hate hate hate games.

I can see and understand why so many parents can't fight it. My lovely boy turned into a writhing frothing mess when he played a few hours of mine craft a day. You have to be pretty resilient to contend with the hours and hours and days of disruption.

I hope when he starts high school he's able to find a peer group who he can fit into where games are not the sole topic of conversation.

I hate the social exclusion he suffers because I'd rather he built dens or read or played his guitar or made bread or worked on his garden.

He's so much happier without games or when they're very restricted with very clear boundaries.

[bloodyhellsbellsx]

YABU, downloading and letting him play once is like teasing him! You need to come to some agreement with him eg allowed one hour per day, and gaming time can be removed for poor behaviour etc. I would be worried he would be left out if all his friends play and he doesn’t.

[pinktaxi]

DS2 also 7 and I introduced him to Xbox Lego games. Now he wants to play all the time and is very annoying as I have to play too. Home schooling (?) so it's a fight to get him to do something, but it is a bit of an after pretend school activity. He nags too from the morning onwards

[Bbq1]

I guess because your ds had been desperate to play minecraft for so long, (to the point of pretending he played it to friends) he now wants to play all the time as it's such a novelty. Minecraft itself is a good game. My ds started on it when he was 7 and even now as a teenager still plays it occasionally. It's a cooperative game about building, creating new worlds and problem solving. You're right to limit it though. He will probably calm down about it when the novelty wears off.

[DocusDiplo]

I'm stuck with a young addict and don't feel able to set boundaries, especially during lockdown. I wish I'd never let him start. It's so stressful.

[Dissimilitude]

You’re in danger of setting up games as a “forbidden fruit”.

Let him play, set clear boundaries. Give him a window he can play them in. Let him relate to his friends!

[ValiaH]

Minecraft is a pc-only, weekend only activity here (pc only as it teacjes them mouse and typing skills, in addition to the other aspects of minecraft). DH and I also play, we are quite a 'gaming' family. Most of the other apps I have on my phone for the kids are educational games, so I might let them have an hour each here or there during the week but make it clear that they are borrowing my phone and if its not convenient, or they've played too much, its a no. My kids are 3, 5 and 7. If their mood drops or they start to act up as a result of too much screen time, we take a screen free break for a week or so.