AIBU to think this is rude?

[BumpBundle]

My brother and SIL (not married) have been together for about four years and moved abroad just over a year and a half ago (to where she's from). We know that she uses his social media and sometimes messages us from his account as if it's him.
We've always been a bit concerned about how controlling she is of him. For example, he's only allowed to eat two biscuits per day and no other snacks and she bought a cat even though he's allergic to them and they both just insist he's no longer allergic (but we can see his eyes and nose streaming on FaceTime). We know that there is violence in their relationship and when I called him when my son was born we could hear her screaming and swearing at him in the background (in fact, the whole hospital ward could hear) when she didn't know he was on a call.
My sister and her partner split for a while around the time my brother and his partner got together but they're back together now. A couple of days ago, he showed my sister a picture of my brother that SIL had posted on Facebook - but my sister couldn't see it on her Facebook. It appears that she's blocked me, my sister, my mum, my husband, my stepdad and my brother from seeing anything she posts about my brother - for their entire relationship. Because he's tagged in them, it means that we've been blocked from his account too. But, we can see some of the things that she's posted so she's changing these settings regularly (so she didn't just set it once and forget about it, she's reblocking us).
There's never been any animosity between the family and her, although we are concerned that she's controlling, we also know that my brother is an adult and that he can make his own decisions. We make sure we're there if he needs us and to just keep an eye but also know that no relationship is perfect and that it's his choice.
My other brother and his girlfriend broke up around six months ago, and since then, SIL has "liked" every post she's posted, every profile photo change and every cover photo change - she didn't like any before they broke up. They live in different countries and have never met in person.
AIBU to think it's strange, odd and rude to block us from seeing posts about our brother (especially when we can see all her posts that aren't about our brother)? AIBU to be pretty sure she's blocked us from his account too because we know she's frequently on his account and posts/messages as if she's him - and he almost never uses Facebook himself so it's unlikely he would notice.
What should I do? Should I bring it up or not? Given that he lives so far away, it would be nice to see what he gets up to like that...

[WanderleyWagon]

The person I knew who was being coercively controlled and bullied also was strongly discouraged (by emotional manipulation) from seeing his friends or engaging in activities outside the home. I wouldn't be so worried about the FB stuff or the biscuits, tbh, except inasmuch as they might be trivial signs of a much more fundamentally controlling and coercive relationship. Isolating someone from their support networks is, like, Abuse 101.

In case it helps, I regretted later not being more curious and enquiring about the relationship of the person I'm talking about, and not encouraging him - he was very close to me - to assert his own boundaries and sustain his support networks. If I thought it was happening again I would want to be on a plane asap to check things out, and I would be insisting on time alone with him to talk.
I realise in your case this seems impossible, but please keep in touch with him, encourage him to pursue his hobby, and try to maintain a relationship with him where he would feel comfortable coming to you if he's unhappy - and yes, absolutely raise the FB thing with him as a weird thing that's happening.

And if FB is already a lost cause, try to ensure he has his own email address that she has no access to, and ideally his own social media profile that she can't mess with.

If there's nothing fundamentally wrong with his relationship I can't see any of that doing any harm - and if there is something wrong with his relationship (which unfortunately sounds quite possible) then it could be a lifeline.

[BumpBundle]

@Bluetrews25 I understand that abuse does not need to be physical. KelpHelper was saying that I was falsely accusing SIL of abuse. She said that perfectly healthy relationships have the things I mentioned and that I was reading into these things too much. I don't see how that is "supportive" of me at all?
@WanderleyWagon He's not in contact with any friends from home that I know of but he's lived abroad previously and moved a fair amount so I'm not sure how many close friends he had in the UK - more would just hang out with the people around him but not really develop a lasting bond. I know that he has one particular hobby outside of the house but that she doesn't like him doing it and tries to stop him. I also know that he did have friends at work but she made him change jobs (this could be reasonable because his job did entail working a lot of evenings and weekends).

[Cloudyapples]

Hi op it doesn’t matter if your bro is tagged - if she has blocked you then you can’t see the post. You don’t need to be blocked on his page too.

[WanderleyWagon]

Do you know if he is in touch with other friends from home, or whether she has nudged him away from one-on-one contact with his own friends as well as family? This would really worry me. I knew someone this happened to, and the relationship did become physically violent as well as controlling.
If he is in touch with friends from home and if he has interests which take him outside the home, I'd be less worried. If he's spending 24-7 with her and can't have a conversation on his own, that's a big red flag for me.
Having said that I don't know how much you can do without making your brother defensive of her. I think that making sure he knows you love him and are there for him and keeping in contact even if she makes it more difficult is the most important thing.

[Bluetrews25]

Oohhhh, I get it.
OP, abuse does not just mean physical violence. Abuse is coercive control, and a whole raft of other things too.

[Bluetrews25]

All the behaviours you have described are abusive.
You may not be able to see this, OP, but we can.
Often the outsider can see more of the game.
No-one was calling you out on anything IMHO. I didn't see any of the contradictions from PP that you are concerned about.
You have reacted quite surprisingly to posts that seem to be supportive.
I would be very worried about him.

[BumpBundle]

@TheHighestSardine I honestly don't know if she's abusive or not. I haven't seen enough of their relationship to know and the line between control and abuse can be very difficult to determine. I'm certainly not denying that she's abusive but I'm not going to accuse her of abuse either. I appreciate and respect your opinion that it's abusive behaviour and PPs have had the same opinion as you. Whether she's abusive or controlling doesn't really change my behaviour though - either way I'll love and support my brother, whatever he decides, and still believe that he deserves to be treated better. I'll treat her with respect (because two wrongs don't make a right) and hope for the best.

[TheHighestSardine]

I think she's abusive.

And I think you're in denial about it.

[BumpBundle]

Also, I'm not "attacking" anyone, I'm questioning why you decided to call me out for something that I have not done. I'm not calling out the other people because no one else on this thread has accused me of doing something that I never did.
If other people think that she's abusive then that's their opinion of the situation - not mine.

[BumpBundle]

@KelpHelper
I think it's evident that you're having a problem with comprehension here.
YOU suggested that I was interpreting her behaviour as abusive - I never said that. I never said she was abusive. Given that I never said she was abusive, why do YOU think that I think she's abusive?!
Furthermore, you've tried to reprimand me for thinking she's abusive, (even though I never said that she was) and tried to argue that she's not abusive.
So, you've tried to argue two things:

1. that I think she's abusive and
   
2. that she is not abusive.
   

When I asked you why you think 1 is true. You said because the FACTS I stated "imply" that she's abusive, even if I didn't say it. If YOU have inferred from the FACTS I have stated that she's abusive then how are you arguing that she's not abusive?!

I'll use an analogy that might help you understand. Consider if I said "my husband often hits his head" and you said "stop calling your husband tall, he not tall based on what you've said". I would then say "I never called him tall" and you'd say "but you implied that he's tall". Do you see how I never called him tall? Do you see how you assuming that I've said he's tall based on what I've said means that you sound like an idiot for deciding he isn't tall?

If you've read the FACTS I outlined and have concluded that it sounds like I'm implying that she's abusive then how can you also argue she's not abusive?! It's a literal impossibility.

[KelpHelper]

@BumpBundle. Do you have significant comprehension difficulties? The facts as you set them out in your OP are that you say your SIL controls your brother's snacks, his social media, and you'd heard her screaming at him once on the phone. I asked whether you were over-reading the situation as abusive, in part because you seemed more concerned about her excluding you on their social media than anything else.

Your reply was a strange farrago of defensiveness and confusion - I was certainly not 'accusing' you of anything. What could you possibly be seen to have done wrong in this whole situation? Why does the word abuse/abusive seem to set something off in you?

I did not say this situation was abusive -- I asked whether you were over-reading it as abusive. I only know what you've said here.

Other posters have definitely interpreted the relationship as abusive:

@StatementKnickers said

Your brother is in an abusive relationship. If he were female and being treated like this by a male partner what would you do?

@Nymeriastark1 said

I'd be more worried about the domestic abuse than the Facebook stuff.

@HeyDuggeesCakeBadge said

it maybe like a lot of DV victims that he feels ashamed and embarassed,

@MustGetOutofBed said It's hard for anyone, especially men, to admit they're in an abusive relationship

Why not attack everyone who has used to term abusive, or referenced domestic violence?

[BumpBundle]

@portocristo and @StatementKnickers You're both right - we should visit but it's a twenty hour plane ride away with an infant...

[portocristo]

On a lighter note FaceTime them and tell them as you never get to talk to him the whole family is coming to stay for a month !! See what her reaction is, she sounds well weird to me op

[BumpBundle]

@KelpHelper I don't think you realise how little sense you're making. You read the facts that I stated. You, from those facts, concluded that I'm calling her abusive, even though I never said that. You said I'm "over-reading the situation as abuse" even though I never said anything about "abuse".
How can you argue that 1. I'm calling her abusive because I've stated those facts and 2. She's not abusive based on those facts? Both of those things can't be true.

[StatementKnickers]

Your brother is in an abusive relationship. If he were female and being treated like this by a male partner what would you do?

Personally, once restrictions are lifted I would get on a plane for a surprise visit.

[KelpHelper]

What a strange post, OP. I'm not 'accusing' you of anything or 'projecting'. No, you didn't use the term 'abuse', but you say this woman is controlling your brother's food intake and his social media, and you also say 'we know there is violence in their relationship'. I think you're strongly implying it's an abusive relationship.

[BumpBundle]

@KelpHelper Firstly, I never used the word "abuse" so I'm not sure why you're trying to accuse me there?
She told us about the biscuit policy. He's allowed two snacks per day, usually they're biscuits and she said she'll "confiscate" anything else he buys. She told it as a funny story, but he's not overweight and has a physical job. Aside from that, I wouldn't dream of telling another adult what they can and can't eat in their own house when it's bought with their own money.
After my son was born we FaceTimed my brother and he was walking from work to a bar to meet her. When he arrived at the bar, he said to the bar tender, "I usually have non-alcoholic beer but tonight I'll have a [I can't remember the name of the beer] because I'm an uncle". At that point we heard her scream his name across the bar followed by "what the fuck are you doing? Can't you see I'm sat here all on my fucking own and you don't even say hello to me before every fucking stranger gets spoken to?". I have no idea how they'd left things before he went to work but that's what happened there.
She has us on Facebook, we are friends on Facebook. She actually added me on Facebook before I'd met her in person. She has blocked us from seeing posts about my brother. We can see all her other posts. I can see her posts about travelling, about her sister etc, it's only the posts about my brother that I cannot see.
Of course it's possible that she doesn't like us but 1. That doesn't give her the right to use my brother's social media and manipulate HIS settings and 2. She had these settings before she'd met us. How can deciding that you don't like people that you've never met be considered rational?
Not sure what you're projecting here but you're creating your own story. I never said she was abusive, I said she was controlling. I consider it controlling to prevent adults eating food they bought in their own home.

[OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe]

Ohhhh I see!
Weirdo.
Definitely rude! Clearly she knows she’s in the wrong and is hiding it from you all.

[KelpHelper]

Is there a possibility you're over-reading the situation as abuse? How do you know about the 'no snacks' (but two biscuits) policy? And isn't it just possible you caught them in the middle of a huge row when you phoned after your baby was born? -- I feel sure a significant number of people may occasionally shout and swear in rows without being in abusive relationships.

I don't see the FB situation as at all concerning. If I used FB, I certainly wouldn't have my ILs on it.

Is it not possible that your SIL simply doesn't like you or your family and doesn't want you beyond a certain level on her social media?

[BumpBundle]

@justanotherneighinparadise We do FaceTime but she's always there.
@Artartart I don't know how we could talk to him without her there...they live together, she's always there. If we ask her to go away then it's obviously rude and will cause more problems.

[Artartart]

Perhaps say it's something personal about you and you need to video call him.

[Artartart]

The Facebook stuff itself is just odd. People do strange stuff on social media. But the other stuff sounds controlling if not abusive. You need to have a conversation with your brother. (without her in the background)

[justanotherneighinparadise]

How about Facetiming him?

[BumpBundle]

@Nottherealslimshady She hasn't blocked our accounts, she's just set her privacy settings on posts so that we can't see them - but she only seems to do this on posts about our brother, not on everything. You know how you can set to "public" or "just friends", there's an option to exclude specific people and she's set that so we can't see. We can still message, she can still see all our posts, we can see everything except the posts she's actively blocked us from seeing.
@DurhamDurham We speak almost daily on our group chat but it's sometimes difficult to know whether it's him or her - and sometimes it's very obvious that it's her. We don't really get an option to speak to him without her there because it's not as if we can ask her to go away without being very rude.

[DurhamDurham]

I think I'd be much more worried about the controlling behaviour and violence rather than what she's doing with her FB account. Try to keep the lines of communication open for your brother so that he knows that his family are there for him and can provide support when he needs it. Forget about FB, it's not important.