Dinner table issues

[Disabrie22]

Just posting for perspective as would like to hear other people’s opinions on this.
I have a 10 and and 7 year old.
There father is very hot on table manners - which are important to me also. Every dinner time he will correct all table manners - this is the list:

1. Sit nicely
   
2. Use knife and fork
   
3. Eat over plate - no crumbs can be made - this can wind up dad.
   
4. Use napkin
   
5. No getting up from the table.
   
6. If too slow, focus drawn back to food repetitively.
   

All these rules are valuable I know but sometimes I feel like the children literally cannot brief with the stiffness of mealtimes. Is it wrong of me to find the constant point out of errors oppressive? I really hate mealtimes as a family and feel the children have to behave a certain way to stop my husband getting wound up.
My husband is incrediably intelligent, a good and kind man and a lovely, giving father but likes everything done a certain way.

[Windyatthebeach]

My great uncle allowed no talking at the table. At all. Not a word.
Maybe agree a lax lunch and a formal evening meal?
Dc need to be able to relax and enjoy food not have it as a regimented occasion imo


Although nothing wrong as such with his thinking...

[yesterdayschild]

My father was a complete bully and a cruel bastard. So much that I can not go into for fear of boring everyone. Anyway meal times were scary for us kids. When he died none of his 3 children went to his funeral.
I am not suggesting anything like this is happening in your case just brought back horrible memories.

[curtainsforme]

Table manners are important but not as important as being able to relax in your own home.

My kids all know how to eat properly at the table but the majority of the time nobody eats at a table now.

[YgritteSnow]

My parents were like this. Plus intrusive questioning dressed up as "family dinner". Stress every night and family mealtimes hold no positive associations for me now. I don't make my children sit at the table for family meals because I hated it so much, we only do it when we eat out and at other people's houses. They both have perfectly acceptable table manners.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Yanbu
He is not being a good father. I’m envisioning a Tom and Jerry moment, where you whack him round the face with a frying pan to the doing sound.

[DamnYankee]

#3 & #6 are unreasonable.

Not sure how #6 looks, really? So if little Johnny is getting full and slows down, he is asked over and over to "hurry up and finish"?

They are going to start a). tuning him out, b). openly resenting their father, or c). start to find ways to avoid family dinners - or d). all of the above.

And I am strict about 1, 2 & 4 and chewing with your mouth closed.
Good luck!

[LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow]

that sounds far too much...I am very hot on table manners but being so dictatorial is not the way to go about it

are they allowed to chat or enjoy the meal at all...it all sounds like a huge ordeal to me!

[TheGriffle]

Jesus Christ do you never just all slob on the sofa and eat pizza whilst watching tele? That sounds so restrictive, even more so if he is constantly haranguing them to follow the rules.

No bloody crumbs is ridiculous. What does he do if they do make crumbs, or knock a pea or some rice off their plate?

[EatsShootsAndRuns]

If this is true, he’s in danger of creating food issues. I'm not saying this is made up but there's been a couple of threads recently where the father is allegedly imposing draconian rules on the children and this feels like more of the same...

[BlueBooby]

I like nice table manners but that sounds oppressive. Perhaps it isn't as bad as it sounds but I can imagine meal times having a really uncomfortable atmosphere.

[snowybean]

Other than the no crumbs rule (rather ridiculous), this seems fairly easy for a seven and ten year old to achieve.

Does getting up including filling a cup up with more juice? If you serve water or juice in a jug then that's easily avoided. Or you can prompt them to ask for more.

When I was their age I was sent out to eat on the front doorstep if I didn't do as I was told. I have no issues with mealtimes and food.

[WhatsTheFrequencyKennneth]

Do you all sit and chat at the table too? Does he gently remind them or tell them off if they don't stick to the rules?

[cooliebrown]

you need to develop a healthy and positive relationship between your children and their food. IMHO entangling food and meals with seemingly arbitrary rules enforced by guilt, shame, anxiety is fraught with danger. You're worried that an infringement by one of your small children will trigger unpleasantness in your DP - I hope you can find a way to change this dynamic.

[gumball37]

I'm 39 years old and still have crumbs at times. Also, if someone needs to get up wouldn't the appropriate thing to do be to ask to be excused? And isn't part of dining together being connected... Chatting, sharing thoughts, etc.

Honestly... I'd never want to eat dinner with your husband.

[66redballons]

Crumbs! That’s too far.
Not the rest. However it’s “how” the expectations are conveyed that matters. Barking demands is no good.

[66redballons]

I don’t thinking asking to leave is needed, “I’m just going to ... whatever, toilet, drink etc”. Imagine yourself asking your dh to leave the table. Meal times are family time. Not pratting about about. Simple.

[Purpleartichoke]

No crumbs is a huge red flag. Even the poshest of diners can generate crumbs. Let me guess, if a young child uses a finger to push a pea onto a fork, dad starts complaining? What happens when a child spills a drop or two? What if you spill?

[raspberryk]

That's just normal expectations at the table surely, after this long how do they still need reminding? No crumbs may be a bit extreme but yes you need to eat over your plate. If I kept having to remind 7 & 10 year olds to eat properly I think I would be ready to gouge out my own eyes.

[UnaCorda]

This reminds me of the description of the father in the (true) story of Catherine Dunbar, a girl who developed severe anorexia.

[PrincessHoneysuckle]

We dont even use napkins at Christmas.He is being U.

[Ugzbugz]

Jeeez that must be exhausting for him being so wound up by it let alone the kids.

I am such a slow eater, always have been, DC always finishes before me and eats more than me. We chat and make crumbs and tonight ate dinner on the sofa.

I couldn't be bothered to get the worked up over a dinner, eat with your mouth closed, use your knife and fork and manners but that is to much.

[BlueJava]

Crikey that's quite a list! We have 2: try not to make too much mess and thank the cook! He sounds controlling- is it just meal times or all the time?

[BackforGood]

The crumbs is perhaps a bit unrealistic, but I really don't think that is a draconian list for dc of 7 and 10.

I know you were hoping for us all to say he IBU, but that isn't unrealistic expectations at all.
Of course, what I can't see is why family meals can't be a fun, happy time as well as your dc following reasonable expectations of manners.

[doodleygirl]

Table manners are important but you can maintain your standards without turning dinner time into a draconian affair.

If you want your DC to hate mealtimes then continue as you are.

[likeafishneedsabike]

We are strict ish but the kids get up and down to pet the cats. My Dad (a non cat owner) tells them off for this as he thinks it’s deeply unhygienic. I think the cats are cleaner than we are